The Best Fifa Football Awards in Zurich has suddenly become a thing and been won by Cristiano Ronaldo, Football Burp has learned.

In a shock move, the newly conceived Ballon d’Or alternative was staged with a lavish ceremony in front of a glittering array of bemused guests.

And Ronaldo sent shock waves throughout the room when his acceptance speech went on to consist entirely of “thanks, I’ll toss it on the pile”.

Entertainment for the evening was provided by former Fifa president Sepp Blatter, who embarked on a two-hour monologue on the sorrow he felt about being found to be a crook.

He wailed: “It’s so unfair. Football was mine, literally the whole game.

“If recent history has taught us nothing else, it’s that deposing a mad despot leaves a power vacuum that makes the whole situation even worse.

“So I’m disappointed to say the least.”