Benteke signs new contract as part of sick new experiment

Scientists determined to find out how Aston Villa supporters react to good news.

Christian Benteke scores against Brad Guzan
Just to confuse Villa fans still further, here’s Benteke scoring against Brad Guzan (Image: Erik Drost)

Christian Benteke signs new contract, what happens next? That’s what scientists are determined to find out with a sick new experiment to see how Aston Villa supporters react to good news.

The fans, fed up, were first fed the news that the Belgian had handed in a transfer request in order to extinguish any faint glimmers of optimism that may have arisen from Paul Lambert’s side’s successful battle against the drop.

In a move that’s already being described as “sickeningly exploitative”, Villa fans were then informed that Benteke had performed a volte-face – a Holte-face, if you will – that has seen him commit his future to the club until 2017.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, some Villa fan or other declared himself to be “disgruntled beyond belief” at what he took to be yet another setback.

He said: “First we sell Ashley Young, Stewart Downing and James Milner. Then we appoint Gerard Houllier and Alex McLeish.

“Then we get knocked out of the cups by Bradford City and Millwall. Now this. I mean, where does it end?

“I’ve been a Villa supported for thirty-five years and I can honestly say that…hey, wait a minute. This is good news.

“I don’t feel so good. My heart’s beating like mad and I’m starting to feel really hot. Do you mind if I just sit down for a moment?

“Ah, that’s bett…”

KABOOM! His head exploded, a plume of smoke rose from his neck hole and his lifeless carcass slumped to the ground.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp immediately afterwards, some scientist or other explained that what had just occurred was “perfectly normal and only to be expected”.

He said: “It’s perfectly normal and only to be expected.

“We all saw how Birmingham City reacted to winning the League Cup, and indeed how Wolverhampton Wanderers set about going straight back down after finally getting themselves promoted.

“Well, sort of – it took the useless b******s three seasons to get it right.

“In conclusion, self-destruction – even self-combustion – is a Midlands thing, just like barm cake and, er, whatever else they have or do there.”

He added: “I’m totally not really a scientist.”