Nicklas Bendtner, Marouane Chamakh and Danny Graham all scoring within the same week has activated the apocalypse, it turns out.
The end of days, tomorrow, looks set to interfere with this weekend’s fixtures, with games at Burton Albion, Peterborough United and Hamilton Academical already postponed.
In a shock twist, the misfiring trio’s incalculably unlikely synchronicity has been discovered by scientists to be the key that unlocks the doors to Armageddon.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, our maker encouraged people to say their goodbyes and pack their bags for an eternity of undisclosed activity.
He/she/it/they boomed: “As it was written, so it shall pass – Bendtner, Chamakh and Graham all scoring in close proximity shall signal the end of time.
“We don’t really know why. It had to be something though, so it might as well be that.
“Something as unlikely as that is itself unlikely ever to be out-unlikelied even if time continued indefinitely. That’s the must unlikely thing that could ever happen.
“Actually, the most unlikely thing in the world would be something coming along and being even more unlikely than Bendtner, Chamakh and Graham scoring in the same week.
“I mean, think of the odds. It’s unreal. Not even Les Dennis solving the Middle East conflict is as unlikely as that.
“Sir Alex Ferguson really being a centauroid dark angel sent to destroy Liverpool. Abu Haza managing Bolton Wanderers. Both less unlikely. Honestly, tell your grandkids.
“Except you can’t, because you’ll be dead.
He/she/it/they added: “Okay, see you bright and early.”