Beckham soccer franchise to be named Miami L-Rons

"Remember when I beat Maradona at one-v-one basketball in the World Cup final?" roars actor Cruise.

Tom Cruise, soon-to-be centre-forward of the Beckham soccer franchise
Tom Cruise celebrates his one-v-one basketball victory over Maradona in the 1986 World Cup final (Image: Alan Light)

It’s the David Beckham soccer franchise that’s taking the world by storm right now, and it looks like it’s found a name.

In a shock twist, the former England midfielder’s high-profile Scientologist friends have pledged to throw their financial weight behind the club in exchange for sponsorship rights.

Football Burp understands that Miami L-Rons will play their home games at the Hubbardrome, a 450,000 capacity all-purpose arena that will also stage hoary old ‘classic rock’ bands and Miley Cyrus’s weekly fellating of various phallically shaped vegetables while twerking a particularly gritty and weather-worn lamppost.

We also understand, because he told us, that leading loonbag and renowned couch-jumper Tom Cruise reckons he can act his way into playing up front for the Beckham soccer franchise, using really complex old Stanislavskian techniques like emotion memory and that.

He wailed: “I just need to close my eyes and remember a time when I was kicking ass at football, like in the 1986 World Cup.

“That’s when I beat Diego Maradona at one-v-one basketball in the final. Remember that?

“That was all acting too, every last bit of it. I can be the L-Rons’ fox in the box, as long as I close my eyes and remember a time in my life when I was a fox in a box.

“Times were tough back then.”

Cruise shed a tear, assumed an expression of steely resolution and turned his back to us in order to speak dramatically into the horizon.

He said: “I promise I will win the football Superbowl for Miami L-Rons.”

At least that’s what his emotive soliloquy boiled down to.

In other news, Romeo Beckham has been linked with a move to the David Beckham soccer franchise.