Beattie turns down Chelsea, Everton and Man City for Accrington Stanley role

James Beattie
Beattie… Man of many talents (Image: Simon Harriyott)

Accrington Stanley have appointed James Beattie as their new manager after the former England striker rejected advances from Chelsea, Everton and Manchester City.

Beattie, 35, made five appearances for his country without scoring, although he did hit the crossbar on one memorable occasion against, you know, someone or other.

Having not managed a single competitive goal since 2010 until this season, Beattie stuck it to the doubters by smashing seven in 27 appearances to help Stanley to an 18th place finish in League Two.

While many observers have expressed their surprise at Beattie moving into management just when he looked to be forcing his way back into the international fold, the man himself was adamant that now is the time to start positioning himself for the Manchester United job when it next becomes available either in a year’s time or twenty.

He said: “How do I see it going? Well, I see it going very well to start with – after all, we have the firepower of Francis Jeffers to call upon, and then there’s that other guy with whatever he does. I want to say ‘Lee’.

“I envisage our initial success – on a shoestring, of course – as drawing parallels with the success of this article in economically bringing together mentions of the vacant positions at three top Premier League clubs, all under the vaguely amusing pretext of reporting my new role as manager of Accrington Stanley.

“However, I cannot foresee anything other than ultimate failure once we run out of viable options to continue our progress, a bit like how this article has ground to a halt now that it’s been bled for all it’s worth.

“Where do we go from there? Where do we go from here? Football, eh? What’s that all about?”

And Francis Jeffers said…nothing, you idiots. Francis Jeffers is dead, he’s locked in Football Burp’s basement.

He isn’t really. Not dead, and not in our basement. Now calm down.