Bayern agree to give United five-goal head start

"I look at Moyes's sullen expression and think, 'That could have been me,'" sympathises Guardiola.

Head start
“After you, artificial rabbits!” (Image: Nancy W Beach)

Bayern Munich have taken the unprecedented step of agreeing to give Manchester United a five-goal head start to the Champions League quarter-final tie between the two clubs.


The Bundesliga giants, sporting, were last night crowned German champions with a record seven games to spare, after which they retired to the conference room to wince their way through the Red Devils’ 0-3 defeat to Manchester City.

According to a club insider, Bayern head coach Pep Guardiola floated the idea of giving United a head start and was met with resounding approval from players and staff.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Guardiola asked why we were in the business of soliciting titbits from dubious sources when we could just log on to Skype and ask him directly.

He roared: “It just seems a bit strange is all. Perhaps you’d prefer I give exclusives to your bitter rivals Soccer Belch?

“I just feel so sad looking at David Moyes’s sullen, grey expression and thinking, ‘Hey, that could have been me.’

“Sure, they asked, but who’d be crazy enough to be the guy who replaces the greatest football manager of all time?

“The way I see it, if I hang on a few more months then I could be the guy who replaces the guy who replaces the greatest football manager of all time.

“And what better way to rubber stamp my credentials than by overturning a five-goal deficit in a Champions League quarter-final?

“That would be even more legendary than just tw*tting them, I think. I mean, would the 2005 final still be talked about so much if Liverpool had just turned up and won 3-0?

“Not bloody likely, mate.”

He added: “As you can see, my English is impeccable now – I’ve been watching Moyes’s post-match interviews and learning.

“I now know fifty-six different words for ‘not good enough’.”

Moyes is believed to be readying a request for an ten-goal head start.

He said: “We all saw what they did to Barcelona last year.

“We’re no Barcelona, you know – we’re substandard, poor, inferior, ill-equipped, insufficient, second-rate, second-class, unsatisfactory, inadequate.

“Unacceptable, not up to scratch, not up to par, deficient, imperfect, defective, faulty, shoddy, amateurish, careless, negligent, incompetent, inept.

“Dreadful, awful, terrible, abominable, frightful, atrocious, disgraceful, deplorable, hopeless, worthless, laughable, lamentable, miserable, sorry, third-rate, diabolical, execrable.

“You know. S***e.”