Erstwhile “Baby-Faced Assassin” Ole Gunnar Solskjær has been assassinated, we regret to inform you.
The baby-faced assassin, kinda old-lookin’, was taken out towards the end of his first press conference as Cardiff City manager.
Bluebirds owner Vincent Tan is being questioned by local police, all of whom support the club and have many questions for him indeed, not least from their warden Mackay.
The Malaysian – Tan of course, not Mackay – is understood to be completely loopy, and is therefore almost certainly involved with/the cause of it somehow.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Solskjær admitted he was disappointed to be assassinated and furthermore could not shed any more light upon the identity of his killer.
He said: “It’s annoying being assassinated, you have to be all dead and that.
“And of course I can’t tell you who assassinated me, for if I had spotted him then a) he wouldn’t have been a very good assassin, and b) I’d at least have attempted to elude him.
“Oh, and obviously I was assassinated towards the end of the press conference. Wasn’t going to be assassinated halfway bleedin’ through, was I?
“I’d say that my assassination induced the prompt cancellation of the remainder of that particular press conference, yes.”
“Now stop bothering me, I’m dead.”
When asked for his early impressions as to who carried out the hit, Mackay puffed pensively on his pipe while scratching the underside of his chin with an index finger.
His index finger, of course, not an Opta Index finger*.
He said: “Seems to me that Tan must have done it.
“He can make jobs disappear, so why not people too?
“Tan’s not botched a hit, I’d wager – he looks the type, handy with a weapon, if you know what I mean.
“Because I certainly don’t.”
He continued: “It is me, Malky, by the way.
“This isn’t meant to be a humorous ventriloquism of the afore-referenced Porridge character – it’s me, Malky.
At the time of going to press, Mackay has just signed a five-year deal with South Wales police worth a reputed £120,000 a week.
(*If they do those)
NOW: Chortle along with Burp’s round-up of the latest best Vincent Tan jokes