Aston Villa goal drought takes on life of its own

Completes ten-hour gestation period, assumes physical form, embarks on trail of mild destruction.

Aston Villa goal drought extends back to 1982
Villa last scored a goal in 1982 (Image: Bogaerts, Rob / ANEFO)

It’s the Aston Villa goal drought that’s had the lion’s share of us muttering “hot damn, I’m glad that’s not my team”, and it was this morning celebrating becoming a physical entity unto itself.

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The dry spell, prolonged, extended into a club record breaking sixth consecutive Premier League match in yesterday’s 5-0 defeat at Arsenal, a result which managed to simultaneously fulfil the expectations and depress the hell out of the travelling Villa faithful.

After exactly ten hours of profound goallessness, the Aston Villa goal drought materialised into physical reality, beat its chest, roared at the sky, smashed through the backdrop of Paul Lambert’s post-match press conference and swallowed around a dozen microphones before stomping off into the horizon leaving behind a trail of relatively mild destruction.

It’s current whereabouts are undetermined, although police continue to receive reports of submerged cries of “I’m a real boy” emerging from the River Rea.

Speaking at the press conference, Lambert remained philosophical.

He said: “Ah cannae fault the lads fae effuht, ah thought we was…great Caesar’s ghost, what the hell is that?

“Oh no! It’s the goal drought, it must have completed its ten-hour gestation period and become a physical reality!”

He added: “Run for the hills!”

And that’s exactly what happened.

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