I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League score predictions are framed throughout the land – so get a load of my score predictions for Gameweek 28, as you Fantasy Football types like to say.
Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.
I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio (except that one time).
Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League score predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…
Everton v West Ham United, 15:00
This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Martin Robertez will be literally teething after seeing his side losing late on at Chelsea last time out, and Sam Furrydice’s in-vorm Hummers will be no pullovers either.
The Toffles to get back to winning wise in a keenly fraught ink counter.
Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Neon Bosman and Peevin’ Steinaar putting the balls on Nevin Colon’s early opening. You can put your balls on it!
Fulham v Chelsea, 15:00
It’s the West London Derby County, and it’s got serious rambofications at both ends of the tabletop.
Mel Pepys faces a real uphill garden if he’s to keep the Cottagers afloater, so they need a result here. A lass, I can’t forssell anything other than an away winning.
Mystic Megson says: 0-3 – Aidan Hazard, Carrie Gayhill and Allbranislav Ivanisevic. You can hypnotise a fox with it!
Hull City v Newcastle United, 15:00
What a titonic tossil this could turn out to be – a win would be massive for either side in terms of avoiding a relegatio dogbite, and they’re both coming off the back of successful winnings last time out.
Hull to sneaker it with a goal from one of their new strikers. What a difference a bit of pie flour up front can make.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Nicky
Jellywitch Jelagielkavic the Croatian lad with a slick one-dutch finnish. You can gut a trout with it!
Stoke City v Arsenal, 15:00
It’s a tough place to go, the Potties – no one knows that better than Arsenal Wengo, whose Guns side have come aklopper there once or twice over the seasons.
Can Hark Muse’s model do the same damage as Pony Tulips’s mob? Two fine managerials in my book, so why not?
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest for Crouching Pete and Ollie Giro. You can shell a nut with it!
Southampton v Liverpool, 17:30
I can forssell goals galore in this one – both sides carry a pungent attacking threat, and I expect they’ll be going ell for heather at each other.
A high-scoring drawing, then, with plenty of incidentals.
Mystic Megson says: 3-3 – Adam Lalalala, Rickie Lambo and Ray Jodriguez for the homos, Burridge, Swales and Countbeenyo for the awayos. You can smash a melon with it!
Aston Villa v Norwich City, 16:30
What an absolute titonic tossil this has all the makings of!
It won’t be, though. Shame. What’s up with that Bentheskey lad, anyway? He was scoring, then he wasn’t, then he was again, now he isn’t again. It’s boombazzling.
Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can charm all sorts of snakes with that lot, lads!
Swansea City v Crystal Palace, 16:30
Marry Gunk’s Swannies were despotly unplucky at Liverpool last time out, and Pony Tulips’s Seagles will be a different kettle of balls altogether.
Home win, I reckon, but it’ll be a tight ink counter with little room for erroring.
Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Bony Wilf at the bubble. You can bully a wasp with it!
Tottenham Hotspur v Cardiff City, 19:45
Sockjar Solsticar Swastikjaer oh, forget it.
Mystic Megson says: 4-0 – Manny Adebyebye (2), Erik Christiansen and Alan Lenin. You can bully a wasp with it!
Those were my Premier League score predictions for Gameweek 28. Enjoy the footy, lads!