I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League predictions are framed throughout the land – so get a load of my predictions for Gameweek 27, as you Fantasy Football types like to say.

Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.

I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio (except that one time).

Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…

Saturday

Chelsea v Everton, 12:45

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Josie Moutinho’s men may have fallen out of the cup but they’re pretting city at the tabletop summat, with a defence that looks tighter than the mother-in-law at Christmas.

Martin Robertez’s Toffles are no pullovers, but I can only forssell one winning here.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Aidan Hazard with an absolute wonderscream. You can put your balls on it!

Arsenal v Sunderland, 15:00

Arsenal Wengo’s Guns have been far from convicting of late, but they’ve got a solid lineback and enough class going foreword that they should prove too much for Pus Goyet’s Black Hatters.

Can they win the league? I wouldn’t dismiss it out of pocket.

Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – goals apriest for Sandy Corzola and Muzzy Ozzle. You can lace a boot with it!

Cardiff City v Hull City, 15:00

Two Manchester United legends come face to face in what has all the makings of a relegatio point-sixer!

Ole Gunnar Sockjar Solsticar the Norwegian lad faces an uphill garden if he’s to keep the Redbirds afloater, so this could prove to be a vital all point three.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Penguin Jones with a bullish heading. You can gut a trout with it!

Manchester City v Stoke City, 15:00

Hark Muse returns to his old pomping ground in what looks to be a haunting task for his middletabling Potties.

A lass, City have too much pie flour up front – they carry a pungent attacking threat, that’s for certainty, and I expect them to claim a strong steak for the Premier League tidal.

Mystic Megson says: 3-0 – Alvo Negrodo, Davey Silver and Yoyo Torres. You can shell a nut with it!

West Bromwich Albion v Fulham, 15:00

Mel Pepys takes on Helix McGrath in the battle of the new managings at my old pomping ground the Thawhorns!

Another relegatio point-sixer beckons, and I expect it to be a tight ink counter without a winning.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest for Victor Anchovy and Barren Dent. You can smash a melon with it!

West Ham United v Southampton, 15:00

What a titonic tossil this could turn out to be! Sam Furrydice’s Hummers are firing on all cillit bang, joining Maurice Pocketbeano’s Saintlies in claiming their steak for a half-top finish.

This could be a classic ink counter, and I don’t say that rightly.

Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can charm all sorts of snakes with that lot, lads!

Crystal Palace v Manchester United, 17:30

I forssell a giant-murdering here! Palace look nothing if not revitalite under Pony Tulips, while the Dead Revels continue to fawlty under poor old Moyelsey.

United will take some stoppage when he gets his ki players up and humming, but it won’t start at Sellars Park.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Maroon Chammock and Tom Wince putting the balls on Robin van Dutchlad’s early opening. You can bully a wasp with it!

Sunday

Liverpool v Swansea City, 13:30

Can Rodger Brenderson’s men win the tidal? They carry a pungent attacking threat, so dismiss them at your Beryl.

Marry Gunk’s Swannies look like slams to the laughter here, I’m afraid.

Mystic Megson says: 3-1 – Swales, Burridge and Countbeano for the homos, Flico Churros for the awayos. You can bully a wasp with it!

Newcastle United v Aston Villa, 13:30

We’ve got such a potential titonic tossil in shop here that I can barely container myself!

Neither Alan Depardew’s Magpiles nor Paul Lambo’s Villagers are in good vorm at the moment, so – and call it a munch – this could well turn out to be a shock relegatio point-sixer come season’s ending.

Mystic Megson says: 0-2 – Bentheskey and Gobby Asbo Aggbot Agbonlobonlo the One Direction lad. You can wash your balls with it!

Norwich City v Tottenham Hotspur, 16:00

Chris Huggington and Time Sharewood take on each other’s old clubs in a match that carries cyganificance at both ends of the tabletop.

Unfortunately for my old side the ‘Kin Hairies, I think Spurs will portvale thanks to a certain revitalited striker.

Mystic Megson says: 0-2 – Manual Adebyebye at the bubble. You can balance a teaspoon on it!

Those were my Premier League predictions. Enjoy the footy, lads!