I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League score predictions are framed throughout the land – so get a load of my predictions for Gameweek 26, as you Fantasy Football types like to say.

Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.

I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio (except that one time).

Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League score predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…

Tuesday

Cardiff City v Aston Villa, 19:45

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! A relegatio point-sixer and no mistunk.

Ole Gunnar Sockjar Solsticar will be literally teething after going down 3-0 at Swansea in the Wales Derby County, and they’ll be facing a real uphill garden after another defeat here.

Mystic Megson says: 0-2 – Christian Bentheskey and Fabian Delphonzo. You can put your balls on it!

Hull City v Southampton, 19:45

Two teams sitting respectabubbly in the table middle come face to face at the KFC Stadium in what is sure to be a tight ink counter!

Bruce Steven’s Lions are newly flush with plenty of pie flour up front, but dismiss Maurice Pocketbeano’s Saintlies at your Beryl.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest for Nicky Jellyelk Jagielkavic the Croatian lad and Adam Lalalala. You can lace a boot with it!

West Ham United v Norwich City, 19:45

Another relegatio point-sixer beckons as in-vorm West Ham take on my old side the ‘Kin Hairies at Upson Park.

Sam Furrydice’s men look nothing if not resurgent, so I’m backing them to claim a third consneckutive winning.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Nevin Colon with a bullish heading. You can gut a trout with it!

West Bromwich Albion v Chelsea, 20:00

Can my old side the Buggies truck the bend and score against tabletop-topping Chelsea?

I wouldn’t have thought so – a solid lineback has been the bassist of all of Josie Moutinho’s sides, and this one also carries a pungent attacking threat.

Mystic Megson says: 0-2 – Aidan Hazard and Sam Yuletto. You can shell a nut with it!

Wednesday

Arsenal v Manchester United, 19:45

Both sides will be looking to backbounce from humouriliating results at the weekend, as the race for a four-top finish reaches its concluedo.

Expect to see the winner go from length to length, the loser to be left with little other than a bitter paste in their collective mouth.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Ollie Giro and Alex Oxbow-Lakerlain putting the balls on Robin von Dutchlad’s early opening. You can smash a melon with it!

Everton v Crystal Palace, 19:45

What a titonic tossil this could turn out to be! Martin Robertez’s Toffles were despotly unplucky at Spurs on Sunday, but Palace are no pullovers and Pony Tulips.

The Toffles have some keyboard players back from injuredness, so I’m backing them to get back to winning wise.

Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Keith Mirabilis and Gerard Dualfuel. You can charm all sorts of snakes with that lot, lads!

Manchester City v Sunderland, 19:45

It’s a hearse redressal for the Capital ‘Un Cup final at Maine Road, and City are two games without a goal.

Can John Adamson get Pus Goyet’s men back to winning wise on his old pomping ground? Probably not.

Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Alvo Negrodo and Edwin van der Gecko. You can bully a wasp with it!

Newcastle United v Tottenham Hotspur, 19:45

Alan Lampardieu takes on Slim Tearwood in the battle of the future England managerials, at least I beckon so.

The Magpiles have looked vulnerabubble since losing Joey Cabbie to that French lot, so I can only forssell another Spurs victoriousness.

Mystic Megson says: 1-2 – Sissossossoossookokoko for the homos, Poor Leno and Manuel Adebyebye for the awayos. You can bully a wasp with it!

Stoke City v Swansea City, 19:45

It’s the initials Derby County as SCFC take on SCFC! Won’t it get confusing for them? How will they know who to pass to?

Where do Stockport County figure in all this? I wouldn’t cool them out of the running.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – Adam Charlie and Bony Wilf with goals either side of the time half. You can wash your balls with it!

Fulham v Liverpool, 20:00

What a titonic tossil this could be, at least if it doesn’t get called off due to the tube strikes! For the sake of my Premier League score predictions, let’s say it doesn’t.

Who struck the tube anyway? I hope he gets what’s comeuppancing to him.

Mystic Megson says: 0-4 – Swales and Burridge with two each. You can balance a teaspoon on it!

Those were my Premier League score predictions. Enjoy the footy, lads!