I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League score predictions are framed throughout the land – so get a load of my score predictions for Gameweek 25, as you Fantasy Football types like to say.
Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.
I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio (except that one time).
Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League score predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…
Saturday
Liverpool v Arsenal, 12:45
This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Rodger Brenderson’s side hit the bluffers at my old side West Blom last time out, but in Lewis Swales and Daniel Burridge they boast argububbly the tapletop’s most standouting doublestrike.
Arsenal are starting to look imperial once again, keeping the pressure on Man City with a freightstraword 2-0 win over Crystal Palace, so they’ll be no pullovers.
Mystic Megson says: 3-3 – Swales (2) and Burridge for the homos, Ollie Giro, Sandy Carzola and Muzzy Ozzle for the awayos. You can put your balls on it!
Aston Villa v West Ham United, 15:00
Who will emerge triumphatic from the battle of the claridge and blues? This is a massive game for both clubs, I’ll tell you that for a fee.
I expect it will come down to who is better on the day out of Christian Bentheskey and Andy Carrott, assuming the man target gets his controvertical red card resinbinned.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Gobby Agbonlobonlo Agbonlingtonstanlahor the One Direction lad with an absolute wonderscream. You can lace a boot with it!
Chelsea v Newcastle United, 15:00
The visiting Magpiles will still be teething from going down 3-0 in the Tyne-Wear Derby County once again, and they face an uphill garden if they’re to make amens for it here.
Josie Moutinho’s men look nothing if not braziliant, and I expect them to win this one comfortabubbly.
Mystic Megson says: 3-0 – Sam Yuletto, Aidan Hazard and Carrie Gayhill. You can gut a trout with it!
Crystal Palace v West Bromwich Albion, 15:00
They may have lost at Arsenal last time out, but Pony Tulips’s Palace have looked strong at home.
You could say the same of Mel Pepys’s Boggles after draws with high-flying Everton and Liverpool in decent weeks, but the Seagles have home advantageousness and should claim a crucial all point three.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Jason Punchbowl. You can shell a nut with it!
Norwich City v Manchester City, 15:00
Slams to the laughter? That’s what my old side ‘Kin Hairies could be forgiven for feeling like when they come uppance against Manny Pelicanini’s in-vorm tabletop-toppers.
I can’t forssell anything other than an absolute routledge taking place here.
Mystic Megson says: 0-4 – Alvo Negrodo (2), Edwin Gecko and Yoyo Torres. You can smash a melon with it!
Southampton v Stoke City, 15:00
Southampton are much better now they play in red rather than red and white stripes – something for Hark Muse to think about?
Maurice Pocketbeano’s Saintlies look bang back in form, with England trio Adam Lalalala, Rickie Lambo and Ray Jodriguez all scoring at Fulham last time out.
Can they do it again? One of them can.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Lalalala with a subliminal lob. You can charm all sorts of snakes with that lot, lads!
Sunderlad v Hull City, 15:00
Sunderland are literally flying under Pus Goyet, winning 3-0 in the Wyne-Tear Derby County and with Aidan Johnstone looking nothing if not rejuvenated.
Hull claimed a creditabubble draw with Spurs last time out, but vorm is not on their side – much will depend on how quickly Long Shane and Nicky Jellywitch Jelagielkavic the Croatian lad mic up an understanding.
Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can bully a wasp with it!
Swansea City v Cardiff City, 17:30
It’s the Wales Derby County at the Libutty Stadium! Ole Gunnar Solstice Sockjar the Baby Faced Assistant Aladdin oh ****in’ ‘ell.
Look, if the Norwegian lad beats the Danish lad then he’ll go down in mystery.
Brian Laudrup’s in despot need of the points, though, so expect his Swannies to be fired up, literally.
Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can bully a wasp with it!
Sunday
Tottenham Hotspur v Everton, 13:30
What a four-top point-sixer this one could turn out to be – a classic ink counter, and no mistunk!
Spurs’ 1998 squad and Martin Robertez have both made great starts, and I expect both to claim their steak for a Zooropa League place at the very least.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest for Erik Christiansen and Kelvin Mirabilis. You can wash your balls with it!
Manchester United v Fulham, 16:00
The Dead Revels haven’t been having a good time of it, but I still can’t forssell anything other than a comprehensive disgruntling for Rennie Mulin’-Stein on his former pomping ground.
I expect Robin van Dutchlad, Jonny Matter and Wayne Rodney shall link up to deviltasting effects.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Danny Weldybreak. You can balance a teaspoon on it!
Those were my Premier League score predictions. Enjoy the footy, lads!