Gasp in astonishment as Mystic Megson gazes into his crystal balls and casts his West Ham v Southampton score prediction for this weekend, including goal-scorers and his own expert analysis of each side…

If it’s titonic you’re after, check out this tossil! Sam Furrydice’s Hummers will be literally flying following their 3-1 disgruntling of Crystal Palace, but Ronald Cumin’s Saintlies are certainly no pullovers.

I see no reason why West Ham shouldn’t be claiming their steak for a half-top finish in 2014-15 – Large Sam’s made some crackering signings in Marrow Karate and Chaiku Karate, so Andy Carrot’s iandury shouldn’t hit them as hardly as it did last season.

If the likes of Jarvis Matthews and Stewie Downwards can keep the supply line nice and fruity, then we might even see Nevin Colon getting back amongst the goals – and wouldn’t that be a shot in the balls?

As for Southampton, they’ll be despotly disappointed with their 0-0 drawer at home to my old side West Blom, so they’ll be chumping at the pits to make amens.

The new lad Tad Itchy looks like a prude signing, but I expect more from Pele – if he can reproduce his hysterics of Brazil 1970 then he really will take some stoppage.

I thought the Saintlies could easily have taken all point three at Liverpool on opening day, so dismiss them at your Beryl. However, I will – Hummers to win it.

Now, here comes Mystic Megson’s West Ham United v Southampton score prediction for Saturday August 30th – place your balls, now!

Mystic Megson says West Ham 2-0 Southampton – Goals apriest for Marrow Karate and Carl Control. You can put your balls on it!