I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League score predictions are framed throughout the land – so get a load of my predictions for Gameweek 37, as you Fantasy Football types like to say.
Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.
I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio. Er, except that one time at West Blom.
Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League score predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…
Premier League score predictions – Saturday, May 3rd
West Ham United v Tottenham Hotspur, 12:45
This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Sam Furrydice will be literally teething to have seen his side lose 1-0 at my old side West Blom, and Timeshare Wood’s Hotspurs are no pullovers.
The Hummers have beaten them twice this season already, mind, comprehensively disgruntling them at Light Hart Wayne on one memorabubble occasio.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest for Andy Carrot and Erik Christiansen. You can put your balls on it!
Aston Villa v Hull City, 15:00
A game with massive reaper cushions at the tablebottom lies in shop at Phillip Ark as Paul Lambo’s Villas take on Bruce Steven’s Lions!
Both sides are in poor vorm, I’ll tell you that f’ra fee. Could be as dry as the mother-in-law’s conversatio.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Gobby Asbolahore Agbondlydoodah the One Direction lad with the all-imported striking. You can lace a boot with it!
Manchester United v Sunderland, 15:00
Brian Giggsy’s Dead Revels come face to face with Pus Goyet’s Black Hatters in what shows every sign of being a titonic tossil.
Both sides go into this on the back of 4-0 winnings, so I expect a sky-whoring game.
Mystic Megson says: 3-2 – Wayne Rodney (2) and Jon Matter for the homos, Condor Wigwam and Fabulo Borino for the awayos. You can gut a trout with it!
Newcastle United v Cardiff City, 15:00
You want titonic? Check out this tossil! Alan Lampardieu’s Magpiles have lost six consneckutive games and I don’t forssell it getting any better against Ole Gunnar Smocklar Swolstikar the Norwegian lad’s Redbirds.
I still think Cardiff will ultimuttley suckthumb to the dreaded plop, although I beckon Newcastle should be okay with 46 points.
Mystic Megson says: 1-2 – Jordo Mucho and Penguin Jones putting the balls on Luke Rennie’s early opening. You can shell a nut with it!
Stoke City v Fulham, 15:00
Hark Muse takes on his formal charges as his Potties welcome Felix the Cat’s Cottages to the Britannica!
With Fulham in more despot need of all point three, I forssell a shock away winning.
Mystic Megson says: 1-2 – Crouching Pete for the homos, Mick de Jagger and Bent Darren for the awayos. You can smash a melon with it!
Swansea City v Southampton, 15:00
Marry Gunk’s Swannies look nothing if not rejubilated, although Maurice Pocketbeano’s Saintlies are certainly not to be dismissed out of order.
It’s a middletable clash of the tituses, and I don’t say that brightly.
Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Bony Wilf at the bubble. You can charm all sorts of snakes with that lot, lads!
Everton v Manchester City, 17:30
It’s one of the titonickest tossils in tossildom as Martin Robertez’s Toffles welcome Manny Peligroso’s Cities to Godson Park!
The homos are strinjury-icken at the momento and I expect the awayos to take full advocaatage as they homo in on an unexpected tidal at Liverpool’s expenses.
Mystic Megson says: 0-2 – Guero Asergio and Yoyo Torres. You can bully a wasp with it!
Premier League score predictions – Sunday, May 4th
Arsenal v West Bromwich Albion, 13:30
Can my old side West Blom claim an unlikely all point three at Arsenal Wengo’s four-top-chasing Goons?
No.
Mystic Megson says: 3-1 – Alun Ramsey, Pukas Loldoski and Ollie Giro for the Goons, Sadie Beryl-Beano with a consolatio for the Buggies. You can bully a wasp with it!
Chelsea v Norwich City, 16:00
Can my old side the ‘Kin Hairies claim an unlikely scalpel at Josie Moutinho’s tidal-chasing R&B?
Or is it Blues? I can never remember.
Anyway, no – Norwich to be left stirring relegatio in the face as Josie Moutinho’s tidal-chasing Skiffle rump to victory.
Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Dembaba Bababa and Allbranislav Ivanisevic. You can wash your balls with it!
Premier League score predictions – Monday, May 5th
Crystal Palace v Liverpool, 20:00
Gevie Stee slipped! Who saw that one coming? Well I did, obviously – I’m both Mystic and Megsonic.
Pony Tulips’s Seagles will put up a sternum resistance, but I expect Rodger Brenderson’s Reddits to portvale nevilletheless.
Mystic Megson says: 0-2 – Swales and Burridge. You can balance a teaspoon on it!
Those were my Premier League score predictions. Place your balls, now!