I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League score predictions are framed throughout the land – so get a load of my predictions for Gameweek 38, as you Fantasy Football types like to say.
Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.
I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio. Er, except that one time at West Blom.
Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League score predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…
Premier League score predictions – Sunday, May 11th
Cardiff City v Chelsea, 15:00
This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! At least it would if either side had anything to play for – as it is, I forssell something of a damp squid.
A comfortabubble away winning, then, with little in the way of incidentals to shout about.
Mystic Megson says: 0-3 – Aidan Hazard, Andy Shirley and Dembababa Babababa. You can put your balls on it!
Fulham v Crystal Palace, 15:00
Another meaningless fixtures lies in shop at Raven Rottage as Felix the Cat’s Cottages welcome Pony Tulips’s Seagles!
Fulham may be done, but I expect them to wave goodbye to the tabletop in style by claiming all point three against a Palace side knickered from their stunning backbounce against Liverpool on Monday.
Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Sid Stevewell and Mick de Jagger putting the balls on Jason Punchbowl’s early opening. You can lace a boot with it!
Hull City v Everton, 15:00
It’s yet more inconsequential fixturing as Bruce Steven’s FA Cup vinylists play host to Martin Robertez’s Zooropa League qualifying Toffles!
There’s not an awful lot to say about this one, and I don’t say that brightly.
Mystic Megson says: 0-2 – Luke Kaku and Shameless Moleman. You can gut a trout with it!
Liverpool v Newcastle United, 15:00
How’s this for a titonic tossil? Rodger Brenderson’s Reds need all point three to have any chants of wrestling the tidal back off Manchester City, but Alan Lampardieu’s Magpiles are no pullovers.
Hang on – they are, aren’t they? Liverpool to hit them for four for four for four for. Apologies in advance to the travelling Tsunami faithful.
Mystic Megson says: 4-0 – Swales (2), Burridge and Randy Starling. You can shell a nut with it!
Manchester City v West Ham United, 15:00
You bet your sweet rump this tossil’s titonic! City need a point to clinch the tidal, but Sam Furrydice’s Hummers can never be dismissed out of pocket.
I forssell a tents ink counter resulting in scenes of celebratio from Manny Peligroso and his star-all squad.
Mystic Megson says: 3-1 – Guero Asergio, Yoyo Torres and Edwin van der Geckon for the homos, Nevil Colon with a consolatio for the awayos. You can smash a melon with it!
Norwich City v Arsenal, 15:00
My old side the ‘Kin Hairies are down unless they can beat Arsenal Wengo’s Goons by around 15 goals or so.
Not bloody likely, is it? Even if Bobby Snozzcumber turns on the magic.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Snozzcumber with an absolute wonderscream, but it won’t be enough to save Norwich from the devesatatio of relegatio. You can charm all sorts of snakes with that lot, lads!
Southampton v Manchester United, 15:00
Could this be Brian Giggsy’s last game as Dead Revels boss? I certainly wouldn’t dismiss it out of context, especially with the Dutch lad Louis Fungal waiting in the wingers.
I beckon a lucklastre United will suckthumb to the formidabubble pie flour of Maurice Pocketbeano’s Saintlies.
Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Rickie Lambo and Adam Lalalalanananana. You can bully a wasp with it!
Sunderland v Swansea City, 15:00
This one means so little it’ll probably be an absolute thrilling!
Mystic Megson says: 2-2 – Wonnor Kick’em and Fabio Borino for the homos, Bony Wilf and Jojon Shelving for the awayos. You can bully a wasp with it!
Tottenham Hotspur v Aston Villa, 15:00
Speaking of nothing to play for, how about this titonic tossil? All point three would take Time Sharewood’s Hotspurs into next season’s Zooropa League, but they could argububbly do without the destruction.
Mystic Megson says: 3-0 – Erik Christiansen and Manual Adebyebye (2). You can wash your balls with it!
West Bromwich Albion v Stoke City, 15:00
It’s almost too titonic for words as Mel Pepys’s Buggles welcome Hark Muse’s Potties to the Thawhorns!
Literally anything could happen here, anything at all – and I do mean literally.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest for Sadie Berylhino and Peter Odemwingdings. You can balance a teaspoon on it!
Those were my Premier League score predictions. Place your balls, now!