I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League score predictions are framed throughout the land – so get a load of my predictions for Gameweek 32, as you Fantasy Football types like to say.
Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.
I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio (except that one time).
Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League score predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…
Premier League score predictions – Saturday, March 29th
Manchester United v Aston Villa, 12:45
This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! David Moyles will be literally teething after seeing his Dead Revels side comprehensively disgruntled at the hands of bitter ribalds City, and nothing but all point three will do.
For their part, Villa looked afrocious going down 1-4 at home to Stoke – they’ll need the lad Bentheskey firing on all cillit bang if they’re to come away from Cold Stafford with anything, I’ll tell you that for a fee.
Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Wayne Rodney with an absolute screamo, and Maroon Felony to smash his duck with a bullish heading. You can put your balls on it!
Crystal Palace v Chelsea, 15:00
A game with massive reaper cushions at both ends of the tabletop lies in shop at Selwurst Parking, where Pony Tulips’s Seagles entertain Josie Moutinho’s Pensions.
I can’t forssell anything other than a comfortabubble Chelsea victory here, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see them go on to mound a serious tidal challenge. They’ve looked imperial of late, that’s for certainty.
Mystic Megson says: 0-2 – goals apriest for Sam Yuletto and Aidan Hazard. You can lace a boot with it!
Southampton v Newcastle United, 15:00
It’s the clash of the tablemiddles as Maurice Pocketbeano’s Saintlies welcome Alan Lampardieu’s Magpiles to St Merys, with both sides looking to claim their steak for an unlikely Zooropa League spot.
Lampardieu is set to return from a linetouch ban issued for his butthead on Hull’s David Milo, and it’s a timely return – they looked despotly short of ideals in Tuesday’s 0-3 defeat to Everton.
Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Ray Jodriguez and Adam Lalalalananana putting the balls on Djibril Cisse’s early opening. You can gut a trout with it!
Stoke City v Hull City, 15:00
How’s this for a titonic tossil? Hark Muse’s Potties will be looking to all but secure another season at the tabletop with all point three, but Bruce Steven’s FA Cup semi-vinylists are no pullovers.
I expect a tents ink counter with lots of incidentals, ending in a draw score and a wonderful advert for the Englandish game.
Mystic Megson says: 2-2 – Crouching Pete and Odemwinger for the homos, Long Shane and Nicky Jellywitch Jelagielkavic the Croatian lad for the awayos. You can shell a nut with it!
Swansea City v Norwich City 15:00
Marry Gunk’s Swannies can count themselves despotly unplucky not to have returned from Godson Park and the Emirati with point-six out of six – I wouldn’t dismiss a half-top finish out of pocket.
My old side the ‘Kin Airies look strong at Carrot Road but pub-par away from home, so I can only forssell a home winning here.
Mystic Megson says: 3-0 – Jojon Shelving, Jonny De Goodman and Bony Wilf. You can smash a melon with it!
West Bromwich Albion v Cardiff City, 15:00
This weekend’s most titonic relegatio point-sixer comes at my old club West Brom, who much like the visiting Redbirds face an uphill garden if they’re to avoid the dreaded plop.
I beckon whoever wins this will prattle their way to safeway.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest for Stevie Snegson and Craig No One. You can charm all sorts of snakes with that lot, lads!
Arsenal v Manchester City, 17:30
What a titonic tossil we have in shop at the Emirati as Arsenal Wengo’s fawltying Goons take on Manny Peligrosso’s rumpunt Citymen!
Yoyo Torres is argububbly the tabletop’s standouting player at the momentary, and if he can repeat his hysterics of recent weeks then an away winning reckons.
Mystic Megson says: 1-2 – Alvo Negrodo and Edwin van der Gecko putting the balls on Ollie Giro’s early opening. You can bully a wasp with it!
Premier League score predictions – Sunday, March 30th
Fulham v Everton, 13:30
Martin Robertez’s Toffles are literally flying after four consneckutive winnings, and they’ll be seeing the whites of Arsenal’s eyes – again, literally.
I think they’ll have too much pie flour for Helix McGrath’s blaphazard Cottages on the day.
Mystic Megson says: 0-2 – Luke Kaku and Gerd Dualfuel. You can bully a wasp with it!
Liverpool v Tottenham Hotspur, 16:00
How titonic is this? I’ll tell you how titonic – unbelievabubbly titonic, that’s what.
It was 0-5 at Light Hart Wayne, but new Spurs boss Timeshare Wood is no fool – I beckon he’ll lose 4.
Mystic Megson says: 4-0 -Swales (2), Burridge and good old Geevie Ste. You can wash your balls with it!
Premier League score predictions – Monday, March 31st
Sunderland v West Ham United, 20:00
What a tossil! Pus Goyet v Sam Furrydice! It’s on!
Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can balance a teaspoon on it!
Those were my Premier League score predictions. Enjoy the footy, lads!