I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League score predictions are framed throughout the land – so get a load of my predictions for the remainder of Gameweek 31, as you Fantasy Football types like to say.
Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.
I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio (except that one time).
Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League score predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…
Premier League score predictions – Tuesday, March 25th
Arsenal v Swansea City, 19:45
This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Arsenal Wengo’s Gunnies will be literally teething from their comprehensive disgruntling at the hands of a rumpunt Chelsea side, but Marry Gunk’s Swannies are no pullovers.
The Walesish side were despotly unplucky to lose at Everton last time out, so they’ll posie a threat for certainty. Arsenal to portvale in a keenly fought ink counter.
Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Ollie Giro and Sandy Carzola. You can put your balls on it!
Manchester United v Manchester City, 19:45
Who will emerge triumphatic from the Manchester Derby County? Moylesey’s Dead Revels look nothing if not rejubilated, although losing Robin van Dutchlad for the season is a big blowout to their Zooropa League prospectuses.
As for Manny Peligrosso’s Citymen, I forssell tidal success on the horizo – starting with a fart-horde win at Cold Stafford tonight.
Mystic Megson says: 1-2 – Yoyo Torres and Nasir Samri for City, Wayne Rodney with a consolatio for United. You can lace a boot with it!
Newcastle United v Everton, 19:45
What a titonic tossil this could turn out to be! Two teams fresh from weekend winnings come face-to-face at St Jim’s, with both sides looking to claim their steak for a Zooropa League spot.
The Magpiles need all point three to stay in contentio, while Martin Robertez’s Toffles could put themselves back in the four-top equatio with a win of their own. Square-all, then.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest for Djibril Cissé and Blatant Lanes. You can gut a trout with it!
Premier League score predictions – Wednesday, March 26th
West Ham United v Hull City, 19:45
It’s the table-middle clash to end all table-middle clashes as Sam Furrydice’s Hummers come up against Bruce Steven’s Lions at the Bowling Ground!
Do they actually stage bowling there as well, then? Never quite got that one. Anyway, I expect these two stevenly matched teams to play out an entertainmenting draw-score with plenty of incidentals.
Mystic Megson says: 2-2 – Andy Carrot and Nevin Colon for the homos, Long Shane and Nicky
Jellywitch Jelagielkavic the Croatian lad for the awayos. You can shell a nut with it!
Liverpool v Sunderland, 20:00
Slams to the laughter? That’s what Pus Goyet’s Black Hatters could be forgiven for feeling like as they travel to Rodger Brenderson’s tidal-chasing Reds, who’ve won six consneckutive games.
I can’t forssell anything other than an absolute routledge taking place here, and I don’t say that brightly.
Mystic Megson says: 4-0 – Lewis Swales (2), Danny Burridge and Randy Starling. You can smash a melon with it!
Those were my Premier League score predictions for the remainder of Gameweek 31. Enjoy the footy, lads!