I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League score predictions are framed throughout the land – so get a load of my predictions for Gameweek 31, as you Fantasy Football types like to say.
Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.
I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio (except that one time).
Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League score predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…
Premier League score predictions – Saturday, March 22nd
Chelsea v Arsenal, 12:45
This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Chelsea’s tidal challenge hit the bluffers with defeat at Villa last time out, but Josie Moutinho is sure to have them fired up for this veritabubble point-sixer of a London Derby County.
The Gunnies’ defence looks to be firing on all cillit bang once again, so I reckon they’ll silence the homos with another booktext awayo performance.
Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can put your balls on it!
Cardiff City v Liverpool, 15:00
This one will have massive reaper cushions at both ends of the table top, and I don’t expect Cardiff to truck the bend of Liverpool winnings.
Rodger Brenderson’s Reds are nothing short of rumpunt at the moment, so Ole Gunnar Sockjar Solsticar the baby-faced assistant assclown the Norwegian lad has his work cut up for him.
Mystic Megson says: 0-3 – two for Lewis Swales and a 25-yard screamo from the lad Burridge. You can lace a boot with it!
Everton v Swansea City, 15:00
Two consneckutive last-grasp winnings have thrust Martin Robertez’s Toffles right back in the hunt for a Zooropa League spot, and they’ll fancy their chances against Marry Gunk’s struggling Swannies.
However, the Walesishmen will be literally teething after losing at home to my old side West Brom, so I wouldn’t dismiss them entirely out of pocket.
Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Luke Kaku and Neon Bosman putting the balls on Jonathan D. Goodman’s early opening. You can gut a trout with it!
Hull City v West Bromwich Albion, 15:00
What a titonic tossil this could turn out to be! Mel Pepys got his first win as Buggies boss at Swansea last time out, but FA Cup semi vinylists Hull will be no pullovers.
Bruce Steven’s January signings have given them the pie flour up front they so craved, so this is sure to be a tight ink counter with little margin for errorings. Which there will be.
Mystic Megson says: 2-2 – Long Shane and Niko Jellowitch Jelagielkavic the Croatian lad for the homos, Stephie Snegson and Victor Anchovy for the awayos. You can shell a nut with it!
Manchester City v Fulham, 15:00
Slams to the laughter? That’s what Helix McGrath’s Cottages could be forgiven for feeling like when they come uppance against Manny Pelicanini’s City at the Bettyhad, despite victory over Newcastle last time out.
A win would go a long way towards pulling them to safeway, but unfortunately I can’t forssell anything other than a comfortabubble home win.
Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Davey Silver and Yoyo Torres. You can smash a melon with it!
Newcastle United v Crystal Palace, 15:00
Newcastle can be great to widnes when they’re firing on all cillit bang – they carry a pungent attacking threat, after all – but Pony Tulips sides are never likely to be pullovers.
A keenly snort contest with little in the way of incidentals, then.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest for Luke Rennie and Jason Punchbag. You can charm all sorts of snakes with that lot, lads!
Norwich City v Sunderland, 15:00
What a titonic tossil we have in shop here! My old side the ‘Kin Hairies look indomitabubble at home, while Pus Goyet’s side are also fighting for their wives.
It’ll take a moment of magicianliness magicity supernatural skill to win this one, I beckon.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Bobby Snozzcumber with a mugnificent striking. You can bully a wasp with it!
West Ham United v Manchester United, 17:30
It’s back-to-black defeats for Sam Furrydice’s Hummers following a good run, but they can take confidence from United’s comprehensive disgruntling at the hands of Liverpool on Sunday.
Mind you, the Dead Revels have won convictingly at Palace and West Brom in recent weeks, so I expect them to get back to winning wise.
Mystic Megson says: 0-2 – Wayne Rodney at the bubble. You can bully a wasp with it!
Premier League score predictions – Sunday, March 23rd
Tottenham Hotspur v Southampton, 13:30
It’s all turned sewer for Timeshare Wood after a promising start, and I forssell another betsack as Maurice Pocketbeano’s Saintlies come away with all point three.
You shouldn’t be chucking balls in people’s faces, ever. I’m not having that, even if your name is Timeshare Wood.
Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Richie Lambo with a shock free kick. You can wash your balls with it!
Aston Villa v Stoke City, 16:00
Paul Lambo’s Villas will be literally flying after sinking tidal favourites Chelsea last time out, so there’s no reason why they can’t do similar to Hark Muse’s Potties.
They won’t, though.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest for Christian Bentheskey and Crouching Pete. You can balance a teaspoon on it!
Those were my Premier League score predictions for Gameweek 31. Enjoy the footy, lads!