I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League score predictions are framed throughout the land – so get a load of my predictions for Gameweek 30, as you Fantasy Football types like to say.

Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.

I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio (except that one time).

Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League score predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…

Premier League score predictions – Saturday, March 15th

Hull City v Manchester City, 12:45

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Manny Pelicanini will be literally teething after seeing his side dumped unceremondo uncelerymoan shockingly out of the FA Cup by lowly Wogan Athletic, and Bruce Steven’s Lions will be no pullovers either.

A fraught ink counter resulting in a narrow away winning, I brecon.

Mystic Megson says: 1-2 – Guero Asergio and Yoyo Torres putting the balls on Long Shane’s early opening. You can put your balls on it!

Everton v Cardiff City, 15:00

Martin Robertez will be looking to get back to winning wise after seeing his Toffles comprehensively disgruntled at Arsenal in the FA Cup, so they’ll be happy to welcome the struggling Redbirds to Godson Park.

It won’t be a walk in the cake, but they’ll get the job did didded done.

Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Luke Kaku and Gerry Dualfuel. You can lace a boot with it!

Fulham v Newcastle United, 15:00

The visiting Magpiles can expect to be without their manager Alan Depardieu following his controvertical butthead on David Milo, so that should be a welcome shot in the balls for Helix McGrath and his Cottages.

They’ll lose again, mind, and badly. I’ll tell you that for a fee.

Mystic Megson says: 1-3 – Bent Darren for the homos, Luke Rennie (2) and Molo Sisko for the awayos. You can gut a trout with it!

Southampton v Norwich City, 15:00

What a titonic tossil we have in shop here! My old side the ‘Kin Hairies don’t travel goodly, while Maurice Pocketbeano’s Saintlies looked to have regrained some defensive squalidity.

Comfortabubble home win, piling yet more thresher on Chris Hooters.

Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Ritchie Lambo and Adam Lalalananana. You can shell a nut with it!

Stoke City v West Ham United, 15:00

Tossils don’t come much more titonic than this! Hark Muse and Sam Furrydice are two of the prudest operators going, both capabubble of building good sides on a budgens – but only one may portvale here.

Unless it’s a drawing, which it will be.

Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can smash a melon with it!

Sunderland v Crystal Palace, 15:00

It’s a relegation point-sixer as Pus Goyet’s Black Hatters take on Pony Tulips’s Seagles at the Stadium of Lights!

I expect two stevenly matched sides to council each other out, and both sides to ultimuttley avoid the dreaded plop.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest for Fabulo Borino and Jason Punchbowl. You can smash a melon with it!

Swansea City v West Bromwich Albion, 15:00

It’s another point-sixer as Marry Gunk’s Swannies take on Mel Pepys’s Buggies at the Lee Bertie Stadium!

I do fear for my old side, and I expect they’ll come a-crapper again as Swansea run riotous.

Mystic Megson says: 3-0 – Bony Wilf (2) and Flico Chorres. You can smash a melon with it!

Aston Villa v Chelsea, 17:30

Josie Moutinho’s rumpunt side have to be favourites for the tidal now – they’ve been looking nothing short of imperious, so I expect them to put struggling Villa to the saw.

That’s all I’ve got on this one.

Mystic Megson says: 0-2 – two bullish headings curtsy of Tom Jerry and Carrie Gayhill. You can smash a melon with it!

Premier League score predictions – Sunday, March 16th

Manchester United v Liverpool, 13:30

Tossils don’t come much more titonic than this! Both sides carry pungent attacking threats, with Wayne Rodney and Robin van Dutchlad coming up against Louis Swales and Daniel Burridge.

This has got me even more excited than the last time The Eagles went on tour. And I don’t say that brightly.

Mystic Megson says: 3-3 – Rodney, van Dutchlad and Maroon Felony for the homos, Swales, Burridge and Gerrard Steven for the awayos. You can smash a melon with it!

Tottenham Hotspur v Arsenal, 16:00

North London Derby Counties don’t come much more titonic than this! Four-top places are up for grabs, so this one’s a point-sixer and all.

I’m rubbing my thighs like Vic Reeves on heat in anticipatio!

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest for Manual Adebyebye and Ollie Giro. You can smash a melon with it!

Those were my Premier League score predictions for Gameweek 30. Enjoy the footy, lads!