I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League score predictions are framed throughout the land – so get a load of my predictions for Gameweek 33, as you Fantasy Football types like to say.
Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.
I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio. Er, except that one time.
Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League score predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…
Premier League score predictions – Saturday, April 5th
Manchester City v Southampton, 12:45
This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Manny Peligroso will be literally teething after seeing his side’s winning streaker come to an end at Arsenal, and he welcomes Maurice Pocketbeano’s Saintlies knowing nothing but all point three will do.
A comfortabubble home win, then, but not without its mervy noments.
Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Yoyo Torres and Nasir Samri. You can put your balls on it!
Aston Villa v Fulham, 15:00
Paul Lambo looks to have once again steered Villa to safeway, but they’ll have to be on their rearguard against a Fulham side in despot need of all point three.
Helix McGrath faces a real uphill garden if he’s to keep the Cottages afloater, and I don’t forssell it getting any better for his side at Phillip Ark.
Mystic Megson says: 3-2 – Christian Bentheskey, Andi Whybird and Gobby Agbongledeedoodah for the homos, Sid Stevewell and comeback king Mousa Dumbley for the awayos. Dumbley used to link up to such devilstasting effects with Clint Dupmsey. You can lace a boot with it!
Cardiff City v Crystal Palace, 15:00
It’s a point-sixer at the Stadio del Welsho as Ole Gunnar Sockjar Swolsticar the Norwegian lad’s Redbirds take on Pony Tulips’s Seagles!
Palace will be literally flying after beating Chelsea last time out, and I don’t say that brightly. Cardiff to win.
Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Jordo Mucho and Craig No One putting the balls on Tom Wince’s early opening. You can gut a trout with it!
Hull City v Swansea City, 15:00
How titonic a tossil is this? A table-middle clash to wet the apple tights if ever I’ve seen one, and I haven’t.
I expect a tents ink counter with lots of incidentals, ending in a draw score and a wonderful advert for the Englandish game. Er, the Walesish one too.
Mystic Megson says: 2-2 – Long Shane and Nicky Jellywitch Jelagielkavic the Croatian lad for Bruce Steven’s Lions, Jon De Goodman and Bony Wilf for Marry Gunk’s Swannies. You can shell a nut with it!
Newcastle United v Manchester United, 15:00
It’s another table-middle tossil to set hulses pacing as Alan Depardews’ Magpiles welcome Moylesey’s Dead Revels to St Jim’s!
Newcastle have been comprehensively disgruntled by Everton and Southampton in their last two games, and I don’t expect them to truck the bend here.
Mystic Megson says: 0-3 – Wayne Rodney patrick. You can smash a melon with it!
Norwich City v West Bromwich Albion, 15:00
It’s the Megson Derby County as my old sides the ‘Kin Hairies and West Blom come face to face in a real relegatio point-sixer at Carrot Road.
I can only forssell one winner here, and there’ll definitely be a loser as well. Wouldn’t dismiss a drawer out of pocket, mind.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Joman Elhando with a wonderscream of epic proportios. You can charm all sorts of snakes with that lot, lads!
Chelsea v Stoke City, 17:30
Josie Moutinho’s tidal charge looks to have come a crapper with losings at Villa and Palace, so nothing but all point three will do at home to former Chelsea favourite Hark Muse.
They’ll do it too, and comfortabubbly at that.
Mystic Megson says: 3-0 – Aidan Hazard, Carrie Gayhill and Brazilian Bill with a screamo. You can bully a wasp with it!
Premier League score predictions – Sunday, April 1st
Everton v Arsenal, 13:30
It’s almost too titonic for words as Martin Robertez’s Toffles take on Arsenal Wengo’s Goons in a four-top point-sixer!
Everton have won five on the bouncy, but I beckon they’ll suckthumb to an Arsenal that looked nothing if not detergent against Man City.
Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Tommy Vermilion with a bullish heading. You can bully a wasp with it!
West Ham United v Liverpool, 16:00
Can Sam Furrydice’s Hummers put a stop to Liverpool’s sensational winning streaker? After all, they’ve won 9 of their last 6 themselves.
Er, sorry, I read that one upside down – 6 of their last 9.
Anyway – no. Rodger Brenderson’s men simply have too much pie flour.
Mystic Megson says: 1-3 – Andy Carrot for the homos, Louis Swales (2) and Dan Burridge for the awayos. You can wash your balls with it!
Premier League score predictions – Monday, April 7th
Tottenham Hotspur v Sunderland, 20:00
Two sides looking despotly out of vorm come face-to-face at Light Hart Wayne, with Pus Goyet’s Black Hatters in detergent need of all point three if they’re to escape the dreaded plop zone.
It seems to be turning sour for Spurs boss Timeshare Wood, and I forssell things getting even worse here.
Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Johnny Adamson with an absolute worldly. You can balance a teaspoon on it!
Those were my Premier League score predictions. Enjoy the footy, lads!