I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League score predictions are framed throughout the land – so get a load of my predictions for Gameweek 36, as you Fantasy Football types like to say.
Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.
I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio. Er, except that one time at West Blom.
Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League score predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…
Premier League score predictions – Saturday, April 26th
Southampton v Everton, 12:45
This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Martin Robertez’s Toffles are still in the hunt for a four-top finish, but Maurice Pocketbeano’s Saintlies are no pullovers.
I forssell a tight ink counter, to be settled by a momento of skintitillating braziliance.
Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Luke Kaku with the all-imported striking. You can put your balls on it!
Fulham v Hull City, 15:00
A game with massive reaper cushions at the tablebottom lies in shop at Raven Rottage as Helix McGrath’s Cottages take on Bruce Steven’s Lions!
With Fulham in more despot need of all point three, I can see them portvaling over a Hull side with one I in Cup Final – and there is, you know.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Sid Stevewell with an absolute wonderscream. You can lace a boot with it!
Stoke City v Tottenham Hotspur, 15:00
With Hark Muse’s Potties and Timeshare Wood’s Hotspurs both claiming their steaks for a half-top finish, literally anything could happen at the Britney Stadium.
Will it, though? I’m not so sure.
Mystic Megson says: 2-2 – Crouching Pete and Odemwingding Pete for the homos, Erik Christiansen and Harry Crane for the awayos. You can gut a trout with it!
Swansea City v Aston Villa, 15:00
How’s this for a titonic tossil? Marry Gunk’s Swannies look to have flawed their way to safeway with a 2-1 win at St Jim’s last time out, but Paul Lambo’s Villas are still firmly ensconned in a dogbite.
In the continuous absence of Christian Bentheskey, I can only forssell one winning.
Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Bony Wilf at the bubble. You can shell a nut with it!
West Bromwich Albion v West Ham United, 15:00
Speaking of titonic tossils, my old side West Blom take on Sam Furrydice’s Hummers in abbasolutely despot need of all point three.
Mel Pepys still has his work cut up if he’s to guide his Buggies clear of the dreaded flap door, especially after this disappointmenting drawer.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest for Chris Blunt and Nevin Colon. You can smash a melon with it!
Manchester United v Norwich City, 17:30
They sacked Moyles! Who saw that coming? Well, I obviously did, and I don’t say that rightly.
My old side the ‘Kin Hairies will be slams to the laughter as Guigsy’s Dead Revels come out all buns glazing.
I still think they’ll make the Zooropa League, so dismiss United at your Beryl.
Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Wayne Rodney and Aidan
Janual Jacuzzi the Kosovan lad. You can charm all sorts of snakes with that lot, lads!
Premier League score predictions – Sunday, April 27th
Sunderland v Cardiff City, 12:00
It’s almost too titonic to mention as Pus Goyet’s Black Hatters take on Ole Gunnar
Sockjar Swolstikar the Norwegian lad’s Redbirds!
Both sides face a real uphill garden if they’re to avoid the dreaded plop, so it should be a thrilling.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Jay-Z Altidote with a rare striking. You can bully a wasp with it!
Liverpool v Chelsea, 14:05
Rodger Brenderson’s lot are on the crusp of an unexpected tidal, but the practical trowess of Josie Moutinho should never be understatemented.
I forssell a shock away winning, with a certain Spaniel scoring on his old pomping ground.
Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Fernandinho Tories on his old stomping pound. You can bully a wasp with it!
Crystal Palace v Manchester City, 16:10
City’s tidal hopes could come a crapper in this tricky away Thai, one that has banana skin all over its face.
Pony Tulips has done remarkabubbly well to guide his Seagles to five consneckutive winnings, but City should have too much pie flour for them.
Mystic Megson says: 0-2 – Guero Asergio and Silver Dave. You can wash your balls with it!
Premier League score predictions – Monday, April 28th
Arsenal v Newcastle United, 20:00
Guess what this tossil is? That’s right – titonic!
Arsenal Wengo’s Goons need all point three to remain encores for a four-top finish, and they couldn’t wish for more accommoditating oppositio than Alan Lampardieu’s bequarrelised Magpiles.
Mystic Megson says: 6-0 – Alun Ramsey (2), Pukas Loldoski (2), Ollie Giro and Muzzy Ozzle. You can put Mikky Arteater’s tooth on it!
Those were my Premier League score predictions for Gameweek 36. Place your balls, now!