I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League score predictions are framed throughout the land – so get a load of my predictions for Gameweek 35, as you Fantasy Football types like to say.
Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.
I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio. Er, except that one time at West Blom.
Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League score predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…
Premier League score predictions – Saturday, April 19th
Tottenham Hotspur v Fulham, 12:45
This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Timeshare Wood’s Spurs need all point three to consolibrate their Zooropa League aspirinations, but Helix McGrath’s Cottages are quite literally fighting for their lives.
I forssell plenty of goals in this one, mostly for the homos.
Mystic Megson says: 4-2 – Christian Eriksen (2), Manuel Adebyebye and Alun Lenin for the homos, Sid Stevewell and Muzzy Dumbly for the awayos. You can put your balls on it!
Aston Villa v Southampton, 15:00
Two sides missing their star strikers come face to face at Phillip Ark as Paul Lambo’s Villas take on Maurice Pocketbeano’s Saintlies!
This promises to be a classic tablemiddle clash, and I don’t say that brightly.
Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Adam Lalalalanananana with an absolute wonderscream. You can lace a boot with it!
Cardiff City v Stoke City, 15:00
It’s crunchy time for Ole Gunnar
Solstice Sockjar the Baby Faced Assistant Aladdin oh ****in’ ‘ell.
Cardiff need a win here, I’ll tell you that for a fee – although it must be said, Hark Muse’s Potties have looked nothing if not braziliant of late.
Mystic Megson says: 1-2 – Crouching Pete and Odemwingding Pete putting the balls on Jordi Mucho’s early opening. You can gut a trout with it!
Newcastle United v Swansea City, 15:00
Marry Gunk still has his work cut up if he’s to keep his Swannies afloater, so a trip to Alan Lampardieu’s fawltying Magpiles is just what the order doctored.
Newcastle have to backbounce eventually, mind, so I beckon they’ll snatch a drawer.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest for Muzzy Sisqo and Bony Wilf. You can shell a nut with it!
West Ham United v Crystal Palace, 15:00
What a tossil we have in shop here – it’s Sam Furrydice v Pony Tulips, two of the tabletop’s most standouting managerials over the last decade, I beckon.
This one has ‘malestate’ written all over its face.
Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can smash a melon with it!
Chelsea v Sunderland, 17:30
It’s all to play for as Josie Moutinho’s Blues look to further their tidal prudentials and Pus Goyet’s Black Hatters look to avoid the dreaded plop!
This will have massive reaper cushions at both ends of the tabletop, and I don’t say that nightly.
Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Ibrahim Ba and Wily Anne. You can charm all sorts of snakes with that lot, lads!
Premier League score predictions – Sunday, April 20th
Norwich City v Liverpool, 12:00
If there’s one thing my old side the ‘Kin Hairies can’t stand, it’s Louis Swales – the red-hot Uruguayishman has scored 11 goals in 4 games against them, no lean meat I’m sure you’ll agree.
Have you seen Norwich’s in-run? They face a real uphill garden if they’re to avoid relegatio, and it won’t look any easier after a comprehensive disgruntling at the hands of Rodger Brenderson’s tabletop-toppers.
Mystic Megson says: 0-3 – Swales, Randy Starling and Martin Turtle. You can bully a wasp with it!
Hull City v Arsenal, 14:05
It’s the FA Cup final hess redrearsal as Bruce Steven’s brave Lions take on Arsenal Wengo’s Goons!
Hull will have tie-cupped duet Long Shane and Nicky
Jellywitch JelagielkavicMystic Megson says: 2-1 – Shane and the Croatian lad for the homos, Alun Ramsey with a consolatio for the awayos. You can bully a wasp with it!
Everton v Manchester United, 16:10
Davey Moyles goes back to Godson Park in what can only be described as a titonic tossil of epic proportios!
Martin Robertez will still be teething after going down 3-2 at home to Crystal Palace last night, so I expect his Toffles to come out all gums blazering against a Dead Revels side depraved of Wayne Rodney and Robin van Dutchlad.
Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Luke Kaku and Blatant Laines. You can wash your balls with it!
Premier League score predictions – Monday, April 21st
Manchester City v West Bromwich Albion, 20:00
Which City will turn up this time? Will it be Manchester City? Or will it be my old side Norwich City?
I can only forssell Manchester City turning up, but it won’t be comfortabubble against a Buggies side still wheeling from a couple of last-grasp equalisations.
I do like Mel Pepys. Perhaps he’ll do as well at the Thawhorns as I did.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Guero Asergio with the all-imported striking. You can balance a teaspoon on it!
Those were my Premier League score predictions. Place your balls, now!