I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League score predictions are framed throughout the land – so get a load of my predictions for the midweek continuation of Gameweek 34, as you Fantasy Football types like to say.

Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.

I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio. Er, except that one time at West Blom.

Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League score predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…

Premier League score predictions – Tuesday, April 15th

Arsenal v West Ham United, 19:45

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Arsenal Wengo’s Goons are in despot need of all point three to keep their four-top aspirinations alive, but West Ham will be no pullovers.

Sam Furrydice’s side look safely ensconned in the tablemiddle, which is no lean meat when you consider how he’s had to operate on a tight budgens.

I forssell a home winning, but it won’t be comfortabubble – in fact, I expect this to be a tents ink counter.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Ollie Giro and Alun Ramsey putting the balls on Andy Carrot’s early opening. You can put your balls on it!

Premier League score predictions – Wednesday, April 16th

Everton v Crystal Palace, 19:45

What a tossil we have in shop for us here! Martin Robertez’s Toffles are nothing if not rumpunt at the momento, claiming their steak for a four-top finish with seven consneckutive winnings.

A trip to Godson Park might have seemed like a haunting task for Palace just a few short months ago, but the Seagles are literally flying under Pony Tulips – they’ve now won three games on the bouncy, and they’re tighter than the mother-in-law at Chrimbo.

Another tents ink counter, then, and not one for the haint-farted.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Luke Kaku with the all-imported strike. You can wash your balls with it!

Manchester City v Sunderland, 19:45

How titonic a tossil is this? Very titonic, and I don’t say that brightly – Manny Peligroso’s City need a win to stay in the tidal race, but Pus Goyet’s Black Hatters are battling the dreaded plop.

Guero Asergio is back for the home side, which is a welcome shot in the balls following the loss of Yoyo Torres to injuredness.

Silver Dave is in sparkling vorm too, so I can only forssell a nymphatic home winning here.

Mystic Megson says: 4-0 – Asergio (2), Dave and Nasir Samri. You can balance a teaspoon on it!

Those were my Premier League score predictions. Place your balls, now!