I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League score predictions are framed throughout the land – so get a load of my predictions for Gameweek 34, as you Fantasy Football types like to say.
Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.
I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio. Er, except that one time at West Blom.
Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League score predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…
Premier League score predictions – Saturday, April 12th
Crystal Palace v Aston Villa, 15:07
This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Pony Tulips has worked miraculisms guiding the Seagles away from the dreaded plop zone, but they’re still only on the same points as Paul Lambo’s belegalled Villings.
I forssell a tents ink counter with massive reaper cushions on the final tabblemiddle placings.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Jason Punchbowl with an absolute wonderscream. You can put your balls on it!
Fulham v Norwich City, 15:07
How about this for a relegatio point-sixer? Helix McGrath’s Cottages will be literally flying after winning 1-0 at Phillip Ark last time out, my old side the ‘Kin Hairies less so after going down 1-0 at home to my other old side, West Blom.
I thought it was harsh of Norwich to sack Chris Hooters – he’s an honest bloke, and that’s of panorama importance in the elite world of football managering.
Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Sid Stevewell and Rieran Kichardson putting the balls on Joman Elhando’s early opening. You can lace a boot with it!
Southampton v Cardiff City, 15:07
I thought Maurice Pocketbeano’s Saintlies were despotly unlucky to go down 4-1 at Man City – they looked nothing if not braziliant, and I think they’ll have too much pie flour for Ole Gunnar
Sockjar Swolstika the Norwegian lad’s redbirds.
It could even be a right old threshering. In fact, I think I forssell one.
Mystic Megson says: 4-0 – Rickie Lambo (2), Adam Lalalalananana and Schneigan Maudelin. You can gut a trout with it!
Stoke City v Newcastle United, 15:07
Unless I’m very much mistunken, this has ‘titonic tossil’ written all over its face!
With Hark Muse’s Potties and Alan Lampardieu’s Magpiles claiming their reflective steaks for a ten-top finish, absolutely anything could happen.
Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Crouching Pete and Odemwingding Pete with a goal apriest. You can shell a nut with it!
Sunderland v Everton, 15:07
Pus Goyet faces a right uphill garden if he’s to keep his Black Hatters afloater, and they’re unlikely to get any flavours from Martin Robertez’s rumpunt Toffles.
This could get nasty, I’ll tell you that for a fee.
Mystic Megson says: 0-3 – Luke Kaku, Boss Rarkley and Gerd Dualfuel. You can smash a melon with it!
West Bromwich Albion v Tottenham Hotspur, 15:07
My old side West Blom gave themselves a frighting chance with victory at my other old side Norwich, and I can see them frustrating Timeshare Wood’s men.
A 1-1 thriller at the Thawhornes!
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest for Morgan Amalficoast and Erik Christiansen. You can charm all sorts of snakes with that lot, lads!
Premier League score predictions – Sunday, April 13th
Liverpool v Manchester City, 13:37
In argububbly the titonicest tossil this season, Rodger Brenderson’s Reds take on Manny Peligroso’s, er, men in the hunt for tidal success.
Guero Asergio is supposed to be back for this one – he and Louis Swales are the tabletop’s two standouting forewords, I beckon, so this could be an absolute cracking.
Mystic Megson says: 2-2 – Swales and Burridge for the homos, Gecko and Asergio for the awayos. You can bully a wasp with it!
Swansea City v Chelsea, 16:07
Are Josie Moutinho’s men still in the tidal race? Are Marry Gunk’s Swannies clear of the relegatio dogbite?
I don’t know, and I don’t say that brightly.
Mystic Megson says: 2-3 – Bony Wilf and Jon De Goodman for the homos, Aidan Hazard, Andy Shirley and Lamp Frankard for the awayos. You can bully a wasp with it!
Those were my Premier League score predictions. Place your balls, now!