I’m Mystic Megson, I am, and when I predict the weekend’s Premier League results, people listen. Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – it doesn’t mean that I don’t still know my onions when it comes to picking apart the greatest league in the world. I have managed in it, you know, and on more than one occasion. Now hang your hat on this lot, lads!

Saturday

Aston Villa v Norwich City, 12:45

A 1-0 defeat at Fulham last time out left Rickie Lambert’s men anguishing just above the relegation flap door, but if they can keep Bent Darren fit and flaming then they should have the pie flour they need to keep clear of rubble. They could certainly use a few more experienced faces in the squad for what looks likely to be a reocoker of emotions over the corrs of the season.

It was great to see my old side getting a first Premier League win down their trousers against Arsenal last weekend, but Chris Hughton’s certainly got his work cut up if he’s to emulate Rickie Lambert in keeping the Canaries at the table top. If Grant Holt can repeat his hysterics of last season then they could yet claim their steak for a top half finish, but much will rest on the shoulders of that Ruddy goalkeeper of theirs.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1, a Holt special putting the balls on an early opener from Irish Steve. You can hang your coat on it!

Arsenal v Queens Park Rangers, 15:00

Arsene Wenger’s men are having a horrid time of things – their attack looks more toothless than the mother-in-law, and their defense more uncertain than…er…well, if the Gunners are to achieve their goal of another four-top finish, then much will deep end on the form of dimintuitive Spaniel Sandy Carr-Zola. The lad’s got talons, no doubt about it, but he needs to mark his stamp on procedures with more orthodoxity at times.

QPR remain without a win after the 1-1 draw with Everton last time out, but there’s no shortage of talons in Mark Hughes’s squad – the lad Granary looks like a find, while the likes of Zamorish and Adele Tarrant will always posie a threat. Can they defoe the odds by lifting themselves out of rubble? I wouldn’t pull it out just yet.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 Arsenal, Virginho and Mersonsacker putting the balls on a shock Toilett opener. You can strut your stuff on it!

Reading v Fulham, 15:00

Like QPR the Royals remain without a win in the Premier League, but manager Dermot O’Brien can take solstice from the goal-scoring form of Pavel Pogdish Progrock the Russian lad, who will be hoping to put the balls on his old club here. A relegation dogbite looms, I’m afraid, but I have been known to be wrong on the odd okayshun.

Jolly Martin will have been pleased to see his side get back to winning wheys against Villa last time out, but they are notoriotously poor travellers. Djimi Berbatoff has the jollity to unblock any rearguard, and that’s something the Cottagers will be hoping to exploit. Can they challenge for a Zooropa League place? I wouldn’t pet against it.

Mystic Megson says: 2-2, the Russian lad and Hole Nunt for the home side, Berbatoff and Bread Hangglider for the visitors. You can transmit radio signals with that lot, lads!

Stoke City v Sunderland, 15:00

I like Tony Pulis – he’s a good solid bloke, and I love watching his sides play – but with a front two of Crouching Pete and Micky Owens, the Potters really should be claiming their steak for a four-top place. You look around the squad – players like Stevie N’Swansea, Michael Nightie, Adam Charlie – and you can only concluedo that they’re underachieving. They’ve not had a bad start, but perhaps it’s time for someone like Josie Mourinho or Pep Guadeloupe to take up the rains.

Neil O’Martin’s Black Hatters have made a far from convicting start, but they’ll take enburridgement from savaging a point against their fierce locals Newcastle last time out. A lot deep ends on Fletch Stevens carrying on his impressive run of goal-scoring vorm. With the likes of Lars Sebson, Clean McJames and Stevie Sesspit Snegson the Beninese lad in the side, the supply line should be a fruity one – can the Scotchman reek the benefist?

Mystic Megson says: This one’s got 0-0 written all over its face, but I quite fancy Jonno Shay to get a 34th minute yellow card for a mistimed lunge on Nightie. You can shine your shoes on it!

Wigan Athetic v West Ham United, 15:00

You never know which Wigan might turn up from one week to the next – will it be the Wigan that lost narrowly at Swansea last time out, or the Wigan that drew gamely with Everton a fortnight earlier? Martin Robertez will be hairing his tear out trying to figure out the Latics’ inconsisterly, but with attacking options like Connie, Frankie Santos and Bozo Bogson the Chilean lad I expect them to steer clear from the relegation dogbite for once. No need for the Whodunnit act this time, especially if Boycey Emmerson keeps scoring worldies!

I love watching Sam Allardyce teams play, and anyone who doubted his Premier League prudentials need only have watched them steamiron a hapless Southampton last weekend. Noble Mark is surely playing himself into England contendon, and he might well see Andy Carroll and Jarvis Matthews there. Good times at Upton Park, then – can they claim a Zooropa spot? I wouldn’t put the balls on it just yet.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 Wigan, Boycey worldie. You can slice a cheddar with it!

Manchester City v Swansea City, 17:30

Bobby Manford’s men literally have a mountain to climb if they’re to qualify from their Champions League group after losing at Ajax, but they’re still within reach of the topshop back home. Sergio Silvatelli desperately needs to resnapture some form, while all this muddling about with 3-5-2 can only be confusing the…er…the…er…the players. No excuses not to take the three points here, unless of course they don’t win.

What can you say about Brian Laudrup’s Swans that hasn’t been said already? The Danish will have been delighted to see his side get back to winning wise last weekend, especially in the face of rumours that he’d lost the dressing room. As someone who’s faced that accusation many times, I can sympathise – there was only ever one time I couldn’t find the dressing room, and that’s just because I was drunk. Can Swansea consolibrate their table top stato? I don’t know.

Mystic Megson says: 3-0 City, Silvatelli to hit back at the doubtfires with a hat-trick. You can do all sorts of things to and with that lot, lads!

Sunday

Everton v Liverpool, 13:30

The Toffees’ flying start has hit the bluffers a little bit with back-to-black draws at Wigan and QPR, but they’ll be hoping to welcome back the tallies manic Marlon Felony for this one. Stevie Peano misses out through suspension, but if Felony can link up with Nicky Jello Jellyfish the Croatian lad to good effect then David Moyes’s side will be a tough nut to handle.

I think Rodger Brenderson has come across really well on that Channel 5 documentary, and with Louis Swales hitting goal-scoring form the boots of recovery are there for all to ski. Randy Sterling and Joey Joe-Joe Junior Shabadoo look like future England players, so there’s plenty of reason for optimisticism at Anfield at the moment, even if they are anguishing in the bottom half. A top eight spot reckons, I beckon.

Mystic Megson says: The form book literally goes out of the window in these games, doesn’t it? 3-3 draw, Felony, Kevin Miralibis and the Croatian lad for the Blues, Shabadoo and a Swales brace for the Reds. You can balance a teaspoon on it!

Newcastle United v West Bromwich Albion, 15:00

If only Alan Lampard could get Ibrahim Ba and Djibril Cisse flaming at the same time, his Magflies side would be champions for sure! With those two, Artem Ben Haffer and the Amoeba brothers knocking about they’ve no shortage of attacking talons, but I’m not convincted that Fabio Colostomy at the back is anything like Bobby Moore – too much hair, for one. You can’t trust a man with that much hair, that’s what I say. Give me a nice bald defender like James Collins or Frank Leboeuf.

West Brom were desparrotly unplucky against City last time out, but their flying start under Clarke Stevens doesn’t look to be a fluke. Long Shane and Peter O’Demwinger offer plenty of threat going foreword, while Yacky and You-You offer plenty of strength and braziliance in midfield. Factor in the likes of Blunt and Morrisons, and the Baggies could well claim their steak for a Zooropa League plaice. Don’t forget who laid the foundations, lads! (Cluedo: it were me.)

Mystic Megson says: 1-1, goals apriest from Ba and Shane. You can wear it as a hat and dance around in it!

Southampton v Tottenham Hotspur, 15:00

Why does Nigella Adkins persister with 4-3-3 when it clearly isn’t working? And as for dropping Paul Lambert – well, I cannot phantom what his drinking is, there. The Saints spent a lot of money in the summer but are still prone to making basick erruz at the back, and I’m afraid I can’t forsell anything other than a grim battle against the plop.

Spurs might well be tired after a difficult Zooropa League tie at Haribo on Thursday, but AVB will have been pleased to see Sigurros Siggididiggidisigson the Icelandic fella getting a goal. I’m still not convicted about Daniel Defoe’s ability to play the loan striker roll, so the return of Adebuyout can’t come soon enough for me.

Mystic Megson says: 2-4 Tottenham in a reversal of their, er, reversal to Chelsea last weekend – Lambert and Lala for Saints, Defoe (2), Dumpsey and Jan Vertigo Vertongson that Belgian defender for Spurs. You can be all kinds of certain!

Chelsea v Manchester United, 16:00

Matty O’Roberts’s side are literally flying, and if they win this, their roughest rest so far, then they can be very optometric about their title glances. Their midfield is blessed with world-class pacemakers in the likes of Oscar, Micky Hazard and Johnny Matterface, and if Ferdinando Tories can resnapture the form of his Liverpool days then they’ll take some stoppage.

What is it about the Red Devils this season? They can’t seem to get going until they’re two goals down, and their midfield can sometimes look weaker than the wife’s gravy, which if you’ve not had it then we really must have you round some time, but do bring your own gravy. Any team with Wayne Rooney and Robin van Dutchlad up top is going to corrs problems, but there’s an air of vulnerabobbity vulvadeloppity oh, forget it.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 Chelsea, Matterface and Luis David putting the balls either side of van Dutchlad’s spectacular volley. You can be unwavering in your faith in old Meggo!

Enjoy the footy, lads!