I’m Mystic Megson, I am, and when I predict the weekend’s Premier League results, people listen. Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – it doesn’t mean that I don’t still know my onions when it comes to picking apart the greatest league in the world. I have managed in it, you know, and on more than one occasion. Now hang your hat on this lot, lads!

Saturday

Swansea City v Everton, 12:45

The Swans’ flying start was brought to a Holt with a 2-0 defeat at Villa last time out, but I believe there’s still enough jollity in their squad to build on last season’s 11th place finish at the table top. Michael Laudrup was a decent player in his time, so perhaps he can emulate myself by transferring this level-top playing agility into managerment. I certainly wouldn’t dismiss it out of pocket, especially if he manages to keep the lad Mixu fit and flaming.

Everton were desperately unplucky not to take all three points off Newcastle on Monday, but they’ve made a squalid start nevilletheless. David Moyes – one of many great ginger managers, myself incluedo – will be hoping that Nick Jello Jagson the Croatian lad shakes off his injury in time, but Victor Anchovy showed plenty of promises with two well-taken goals, so there’s no shortage of pie flour at Goodison Park.

Mystic Megson says: Both sides to come away disappointing after a reocoker of emotions at the Liberty Stadium, Swansea taking leads through Mixu and Dyer cancelled out by strikes from Felony and Peano. You can put your balls on it!

Chelsea v Stoke City, 15:00

Robert O’Mattheus will be disappointed at seeing his side surrender a two-goal inquisitive against an on-suite Juventus, but he’ll be encouraged by the performance of young Oscar, whose performance was certainly werthers of his name. Another goalless pouting for Torres – will he ever be able to resnapture his best form? I’m not convicted.

Stoke have made a cracking start under Tony Pulis, drawing all over the shop, and if Crouchy can get another slam dunk then anything is plausible. It will be interesting to see whether a certain Michael Owen can hold back the years, because his goals could be the difference between a relegation dogbite and Champions League jollification. Me, I reckon they’ll end up somewhere in the middling.

Mystic Megson says: A hard-caught 2-1 win for Chelsea, goals from Lampard and Ivanonanonavonny the Serbian lad putting the balls on an early Walters strike. You can polish your boots on that one, lads!

Southampton v Aston Villa, 15:00

Four defeats from four is hardly the start Nigella Dawkins would have liked to see from his Saints side, but the lixture fist has been dastardly to them so far. There’d been a few signs of encouragement prior to their 6-1 defeat at Arsenal last time out – now there are simply few. Lala and Lambo are impressive, but they’re probe to making basick erruz at the back, which can be costful at the table top.

Things are looking a lot brighter at Villa Park after four points from their last two games, and Paul Lambardo is sure to be empathising the insnortance of retailing focus in their bid to prove the doubtfires wrong. The new Bent they’ve got looks like a prude signing, but they’ll be reeling at losing Emile Heskey to Newcastle.

Mystic Megson says: Goals a priest from Lambo and one of the Bents resulting in an entertaining 1-1 draw. You can wash yer dishes with that lot, lads!

West Bromwich Albion v Reading, 15:00

Steve Clarke’s got his work cut open replacing myself in the hearts of the Hawthorns faithful, especially since his fairydale start came crashing to a Holt at Fulham last time out. Peter Odent Ogson the Nigerian lad will watch from the snidelines after his sending off at Craven Cottage, but Yocky and Yoo-Yah have another chance to show what a dominos midfield partnership they could flossom into.

Just four games in, Reading already find themselves anguishing in the relegation zonal, but in Brian McDermott they have a manager whose name I remember. Pavel Pogba Pogson the Russian lad has made a solid start, but it’ll take more than just his goal-scoring prowell to keep the Royals clear of the relegation flapdoor.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 to the home side thanks to a Long Shane scream. You can balance a spoon on it!

West Ham United v Sunderland, 15:00

A 0-0 draw at Norwich last time out consolibrated the Hammers’ solid start to life back at the table top, but Big Sam Allardyce will be hoping for more cutting pledge in the final third if they are to do more than simply number the makeups. In Keith Vaz Tea, Kevin Nolan and Andy Cole they should have more than enough pie flour to make up for Andy Carroll’s adsense through injury, while Jarvis Matthews and Yosser Benji Begson should ensure that the supply line is a fruity one.

With three draws from three Sunderland can’t be accused of lacking constituency, and if they can keep this form going then we could be looking at a remarkable relegation. Clean McJames and Stevie Snegson offer plenty of jollity going forward, while with three goals already Fletch Stevens is certainly justifrying the £12m fee it took to prize him open from the Wolves. Neil O’Martin is a clever bloke – you can tell by his glasses – so I expect to see the Black Catters claiming their steak for a European plaice this season.

Mystic Megson says: This has got 0-0 written all over it – literally, all over it. Lars Sebson to pick up a second-half booking for a feisty tug on Colin James. You can butter your toast with that one, lads!

Wigan Athletic v Fulham, 15:00

Wigan took their customandjerry 4-0 shoeing at Old Trafford last time out, but Martin Roberts is a smart coach, even if he can’t pronounce ‘result’ like what you should do. Frank Santos is a world class goal-poacher on his day, while the Geordie, Gomez, has an absolute wand, literally. If they can resnapture their form from the backside of the last champagne then the Latics could yet claim a half-top finish for the first time since Paul Jewell’s stewed ship.

Dmitri Berbatoff got off to a flyer with two goals against my old side West Brom last time out, and if he can dovedale with the likes of Rod Jaeger and Kajagoogoo on the wing then there’s no smelling how far the Cottagers can go this seasoning. Jolly Martin looks to have pulled a blind reinverting Chris Bear as a ball-playing midfielder, while the everlast Damien Duff just keeps on going. And going. And going.

And going.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 to Wigan, Santos and
Bozojury putting the balls on an early Berbatoff penalty. You can iron your kecks with it!

Sunday

Liverpool v Manchester United, 13:30

Brendan Rodgers will be delighted at seeing his young boys put five past some other young boys, and in Jonjon Shelflife they have a youngster whose name I remember the gist of. They may be yet to win in the league but in Louis Swales they have one of the country’s standouting strikers, so while I’m not convicted about their top four prudentials I’d be surprised if they weren’t claiming their steak for a European plaice.
A 1-0 Champions League win over Galarazzmatazz will have kept the momento going from last weekend’s 4-0 blorxing of Wigan, and in Robbie van Dutchland they have a player who can make something out of, er, something. Kajagoogoo seems to be settling in well, while Yermanthere Viditch’s return from a long injury adsense could be the jupitus Sir Alex Ferguson’s men need to wrestle the title back off City. The Red Devils look to be firing on all cillit bang, and that’s always a sight to beholden.

Mystic Megson says: United to come away with the points thanks to a late van Dutchlad scream. You can balance your balls on that lot, lads!

Newcastle United v Norwich City, 15:00

Alan Pardew’s Magsons side were lucky to come away with a point from Goodison Park on Monday, but in Ibrahim Ba, Djibril Cisse and Artem Ben Haffa they have a forward line that would cause anyone problematicals. If they can get Cruel Tim and Fabric Colosto Cologson the Argentine defender fit and fiery then Newcastle look strong all over the park, something that should stand them in Jon Stead as the champagne goes on.

Norwich’s 0-0 draw against West Ham at Carrow Road last time out seemed to confer that the Canaries have a shruggle on their hands if they are to keep clear of the relegation dogbite – it’s a haunting task, but Chris Hughton seems like a solid bloke so they could yet stick it to the doubtfires under his stewed ship. Without wanting to put the balls on it, if Grant Holt can repeat his hysterics of last season then there’s every chance of them stopping the grot.

Mystic Megson says: 3-1 to the home side, goals from Taylor, Ian Cabbage and Ba answered only by a specumulative shot from Jonny Howsat. You can brush your teeth with it!

Manchester City v Arsenal, 16:00

City will be guttered at the manners of their defeat to Real Madrid on Tuesday night, but in Sergio Silvatelli, Carlo Tevo and Edwin van der Gecko they have a strike force that’s the MV of Europe. Robbie Manciti rubs me up the wrong way, literally, but you have to admire the squad he’s put together – certainly getting Yoyo Taurus in for Paul Dickov looks to have worked a sweet, while shipping out Curly Keith and bringing in Vinny Company is a very prude piece of business indeed.

Arsenal are bang in form at the moment, and it’s not beyond the elms of possibility that Arsene Wenger’s newark side could mountain a serious charge for the topshops if they carry on like this. Shanty looks like a prude signing, and I like the look of Podko Podogson the German lad, but it’s the soligidity of their backline which has surpressed me most. Could Steve Bould turn out to be their most important signing? I wouldn’t pull it out.

Mystic Megson says: It’s got all the makings of a titussle tanic, but I can see City taking this 2-1, Gecko and Silvatelli putting the balls on the German lad’s ball-busting opener. You can invent some kind of dance to it!

Tottenham Hotspur v Queens Park Rangers, 16:00

AVB will be disappointing at his side’s failure to break down Lazio on Thursday night, but last week’s 3-0 win at Reading should have Spurs finally up and humming in the league. Dumbly and Dumpsey are exciting signings, while the lad Deffo is flaming at the moment, but there’s still a lot of work to do if they’re to prove their Champions League prudentials once again.

It’s not been a great start for QPR but in Mark Hughes they have a manager whose face I recognise. Losing John Andrews to long-term injury is a kick in the balls, but Cisse, Zamorish and the lad Toilet should get them goals so I expect them to avoid the relegation flap door. You’ve got to ask yourself, though – what must have been going through Rob Green’s face when they announced the signing of Cesar? I think his nose will be out of whack over that one, and dressing room harmoniousnessnessness is so important at the table top.

Mystic Megson says: 2-0 Spurs, Deffo and Dumpsey with goals either side of the time-half. You can bludgeon your eyes with that one, lads!

Enjoy the footy, lads!