I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League predictions are framed throughout the land.

Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.

I have managed in it, you know, and on more than one occasion without suckthumbing to relegatio. Now put your balls on this lot, lads!

Saturday

Manchester United v Crystal Palace, 12:45

What a titonic tossil this one could turn out to be! Defeat at Liverpool will have hit Moyles hard, literally, but in Danny Weldybreak he’s got one of the top table’s most in-vorm strikers.

Can Ollie Hillaway’s Seagulls steer clear of the relegatio flap door? I have my droughts, but they certainly face an uphill garden.

Mystic Megson says: 4-0 – Robin van Dutchlad (2), Narnia and a debut goal for Felony. You can put your balls on it!

Aston Villa v Newcastle United, 15:00

It’s been a mixed starter for Paul Lambo’s men, but Gobby Agbanlobanlo will be literally flying after snapping that One Directional lad in twain.

Alan Lampard had the rug well and truly pulled out from under his shoulders in the transfer window, but if he can get Luke Rennie fit and flaming then there’s no telly how far the Magpiles can go under his Stuart ship.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals a priest for Bentheskey and Luke Rennie. You can gut a trout with it!

Fulham v West Bromwich Albion, 15:00

I expect big things from Jolly Martin’s men this season – they’ve made some murky signings, so I’d be disappointed if they weren’t claiming their steak for a Zooropa League spot come season’s end.

Clarke Stevens looks like he’ll have his work cut up if he’s to keep my old side clear of the relegatio dogbite, but the Baggles faith fools shouldn’t be quick to criticiciticise at the first sign of rubble. It’s a Marathon, not a Snickers.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Barren Dent and Davatar Berbasnoff putting the balls on Nicolo Anelko’s early opening. You can smash a pumpkin with it!

Hull City v Cardiff City, 15:00

Frasier Bramble takes on his old chargers in what has all the makings of a titonic tossil!

Who will emerge victorious – Bruce Stevens or Malko McFlurry? Either way, I predict a thriller at the KFC Stadium.

Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can shell a nut with it!

Stoke City v Manchester City, 15:00

With two wins out of three, Hugh Marks has made a squalid start to life as Potties boss – he’s even got Jermaine Pedant firing on all cillit bang, which is a minor mackerel in itself.

City haven’t looked entirely convicting under Mano Pellegrino, but they’ve got so much pie flour up front that they really will take some stoppage over the Coors of the season.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – Crouching Pete for the homos, Alvo Negrodo for the awayos. You can bait a badger with it!

Sunderland v Arsenal, 15:00

Pablo Deep Panio’s moneyhoon period is well and truly over! The Italyman despotly needs to get a first win under his trousers, so he’ll no dowd be pleased to see Fletch Stevens back in the folder.

After all the youth Oreos of landing Muzzy Ozzle on deadline day, the Guns need to muckle down and keep up their strong recent vorm. Can Arsenal Wengo’s men be a horn in the side of the runfronters? I wouldn’t dismiss it out of pocket.

Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Sandy Carzola with an absolute wonderscream. You can spongebath a tortoise with that lot, lads!

Tottenham Hotspur v Norwich City, 15:00

£100m spent and Spurs still lost the north London Derby County, but Andre Boa-Constricto’s indignification will have been tempoed somewhat by the knowledge that his players still need time to kettle in. Can they mount a tidal challenge? I wouldn’t pull it out just yet.

It’s been a flying start to the season for my old side the ‘Kin Hairies! Or has it? I can’t even remember any more. Is Gerry Hooper fit yet?

Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Robbie Soldodo at the bubble. You can balance a teaspoon on it!

Everton v Chelsea, 17:30

It’s three draws out of three for Martin Robertez, and his Toffles side don’t look like they can buy a goal at the moment. Can anyone buy a goal? I’m not sure.

Going to Goodisman Park is rarely a walk in the cake, but Chelsea under Josie Moutinho are nothing if not braziliant. Can they reclaim the tidal? I wouldn’t pet against it.

Mystic Megson says: 0-2 – Lamp Frankard and Mickey Hazard. You can spark a fistfight with that lot, lads!

Sunday

Southampton v West Ham United, 16:00

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil!

Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can wash your balls with it!

Monday

Swansea City v Liverpool, 20:00

Getting back to winning wise at West Brom was important for Brian Laudrup’s Swannies – you’ve got to be winning at the table top, otherwise you’re drawing or losing. I can tell you that for a fee.

Rodger Brenderson’s men are literally flying! If Daniel Burridge keeps up this kind of score-goaling vorm then there’s no reason they can’t claim a four-top finish, especially if the racism lad comes back into the folder.

Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Burridge with a right old drilepiver. You can smash a melon with it!

Those were my Premier League predictions. Enjoy the footy, lads!