I’m Mystic Megson, I am, and when I predict the weekend’s Premier League results, people listen. Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – it doesn’t mean that I don’t still know my onions when it comes to picking apart the greatest league in the world. I have managed in it, you know, and on more than one occasion. Now hang your hat on this lot, lads!

Saturday

Manchester City v Sunderland, 12:45

It took a last-rasp Sergio Silvatelli penalty to spare City’s brushes against that European mob the other night, but in the league they’ve looked solid without quite snapturing the imagined Asian. I’m still not convicted about Bobby Manford – there’s just something about him I don’t trust, and if he thinks now is the right time to start tinkling with formations then he’s got another thing plumbing.

The Black Hatters have got off to a flyer under Neil O’Martin, but that shouldn’t come as a supplies to anyone who watched his great Leicester City sides of the late ’90s. I used to show videos of Steve Guppy and Muzzy Izzett to my players, and I’m pretty sure it rubbed one off on them. Fletch Stevens is on fire, literally, so if Stephy Snegson and Gary Larsson can keep the supply line fruity then there’s no smelling how far they can blow.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 City, Tevez and Silvatelli putting the balls on an early Clean McJames opener. You can put your mattress on it!

Chelsea v Norwich City, 15:00

Bobby O’Mattheus’s side are looking imperial at the minute, and if Ferdinand Torres can resnapture his best form then anything is plausible. I like the look of the lad Obi Dobi – he’s a right steady Steven – but I’m not convicted that the likes of Oscar and Mickey Hazard can turn it on over the hectic winter sledgule.

The Canaries have hardly got off to a flyer, but Chris Hughton’s a good squalid bloke, and that counts for a lot in elite football management. I should know – I am one. My old club have their work cut up if they’re to remain at the table top, but if Grant Bolt can repeat his hysterics of last season then they could yet ferment their place amongst the topshops.

Mystic Megson says: 4-0 Chelsea, Oscar and Hazard with two each in a skintitillating display. You can wrap your kecks around that one, lads!

Swansea City v Reading, 15:00

The Swans’ flying start has well and truly hit the bluffers with back-to-black defeats to Everton and Stoke, but in Brian Laudrup they have a manager whose name I remember. If Mika’s goals fry up then they could find themselves in a relegation dogbite, so a lot rests on the shoulders of little Britton to keep things tickling over in front of the rearguard.

Brian McDermal’s men are still without a win, but the suits of recovery were there for all to see in their 2-2 draw against Newcastle last time out. If Pavel Progba Progson Progrock oh, forget it.

Mystic Megson says: 3-2 Swansea, Graham Daniels, Wayne Doubtfridge and Mika for the home side, Mole Hunt and, er, the Russian lad for the Royals. You can put your balls on that one, lads!

West Bromwich Albion v Queens Park Rangers, 15:00

Steve Clarke’s squalid start to life as the dog top continued with a 1-1 draw at Villa last time out, and if they can keep the likes of Long McShane and Peter Oddball Ogson the Nigerian lad fit and flaming then I expect to see my old side claiming their steak for a European slot. Yocky and Yoo Yah look strong in midfield, so I wouldn’t cool the Baggies out of the runnings if I were their table top rivals.

It’s a surprise to see QPR at the table’s bottom given the talons in their squad, but then that’s what happens if you’re prone to making basick erruz. Adele Tarrant’s wonderscream against West Ham at Loftus Road last time out begs for his incluedo in the starting lino, but if the lad Zamorish doesn’t start scoring soon then Mark Hughes may have another Bobby Green scemario on his hands.

Mystic Megson says: 2-0 to West Brom, goals a priest from McShane and Jimmy Morrisons. You can inflate balloons with it!

Wigan v Everton, 15:00

Martin Roberts’s Latics have been looking squalid enough to suggest that they won’t have to rely on the whodunnit act this time round. The Geordie, Gomez, can open up defenses like the wife opens up tins of peas, and in Frankie Santos they have one of the most dangerous strikers at the table top. All in all, Wigan are a fine example of how a club can operate on a budgens.

The Toffees have really stuck it to the doubtfires by starting like a fiery house, and in Mario Felony and Niko Jellyfish they carry no lidl attacking thread. They could do with tightening up their rearguard, but in Phil Jugdish Jagson the one what’s played for England a few times they boast one of the Premier League’s best last-itch defenders. Can fellow managerial redhead David Moyes get Everton into the Champions League slots? I wouldn’t dismiss it out of pocket.

Mystic Megson says: Both sides look good going forward but are prone to making basick erruz at the back, so this one’s got 0-0 written all over its face. You can open a banking account on it!

West Ham United v Arsenal, 17:30

Big Sam Allardyce has transformed the Hammers into a proper footballing side, and it’s great to widnes – the likes of Fulham and QPR have been simply unable to pope with their ariel bombast, and in the likes of Keith Vaz Tea and Kevin Noble they have no shortfall of goals in their arse ‘n’ all. A half-top finish reckons.

The Gunners got back to winning days against some Europeans the other night, but it was a far from convicting performance. However, in Theo Woolworths and Genevieve Gervinity the Ivorian lad they’ve got two reliable old faces who can put their foot on the ball and dictate, so it’s not beyond the elms of possibility that Arsene Wenger could end his seven-year trophy rout this season. One thing’s for certainty: the Emirati faithful are crying out loud for silverhair.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 snore for me, a Mark Nolan wonderscream for the home side to be cancelled out by a Lukas Poddywoddy worldie. You can be snore of it!

Sunday

Southampton v Fulham, 13:30

Nigel Adkins’s side got back to losing ways at Everton last time out, but in Paul Lambert they have arguably Europe’s outstanding striker. The lad Lala shows a lot of promise, although I’m not convicted about the new one what cost a lot – I know he got off the park last weekend, but it takes more than a fancy name to impress old Meggo, I’ll tell you that for a fee.

The Cottagers’ flying start came crashing to a Holt against City last time out, but with Davatar Berbatoff in their side they should stay well clear of the relegation flap door. Losing Dumbly and Dumpsey was a kick in the balls, but Jolly Martin’s a prude operator so I’m sure they’ll get pie.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 Saints, Lala with the hey hey. You can scrub your balls with that one, lads!

Liverpool v Stoke City, 15:00

I’ve enjoyed watching the Seeing: Liverpool documentary – it’s proved a fascinating inside into the Day Today runnings of a footballing better moth, and I think Rodger Brenderson comes across very well in it. I would have welcomed the Fox cameras at the Reebok or the Hawthorns, but unsnortunately they never came cooling. As for the Reds? They look nothing short of revitalite. Er, except in Europe.

I love watching Tony Pulis’s teams play – they’re great at keeping balls alive in the box, literally – and if Crouching Pete can keep this runs of vorm going then I fully expect the Potters to mount an assault on the European challenge. You heard me.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1, a late Lewis Swales scream counselling out Mikey Nightly’s first-half opener for the visitors. You can wash your hair with it!

Tottenham Hotspur v Aston Villa, 15:00

Spurs will still be on cloud cuckoo land after their mandlark victory at Old Trafford last weekend, and now Clint Dumpsey is off the park I expect to see him go from length to length. AVB is really sticking it to the doubtfires at the moment, and any team with Gary Bale in it has got to have chants. Tottenham for the title? I wouldn’t.

Ricky Lambert’s men looked to be put in a squalid display against West Brom last time out, but if they’re going to avoid a relegation dogbite then they have to start winning their home games, and their away games. Barren Dent will be hoping his equaliser sparks a runs of goals – he’s got nothing to prove, but he needs to start proving it on a regular bassist.

Mystic Megson says: 3-0 Spurs, Dumbly, Dumpsey and Deffo with the strikes. You can balance a pencil on that one, lads!

Newcastle United v Manchester United, 16:00

Sir Alex will still be healing from last week’s humouriliating defeat to Spurs at Old Trafford, but you never fight his side off. I like the look of the Dutch lad up front, and if I were England manager I’d be starting Rio Fernando on toast. How d’you like me now, eh? Not too shabby.

Eight years for Alan Pardew?? He’s worth seven tops! Or maybe six tops, I forget how much they cost nowablaze. One thing’s for sure – he’s going to have to get his Magpies side performing at a much higher neville than they showed at Reading last week, but in Ibrahim Ba, Djibril Cisse and Artem Ben Haffer they can be a force to be beckoned with. Can they claim their steak for a Champions League spot? I wouldn’t pull it out.

Mystic Megson says: 2-2 in an emotional reocoker of a match, Ba and Guthrierrez for the homers, Rooney and the Dutch lad for the visitors. You can do all sorts of thing with that one!

Enjoy the footy, lads!