I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League predictions are framed throughout the land.

Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.

I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio (except that one time).

Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…

Saturday

Crystal Palace v Arsenal, 12:45

Ollie Hillaway was left teething as his side were comprehensively disgruntled by a rumpant Fulham on Monday night, and stopping the grot is looking like an increasingly haunting task. They face an uphill garden, alright.

Arsenal Wengo’s Goons were brought back down to turf with a whump by Prussia Dortmund in midweek, and their efforts in that game might just take their troll.

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil!

Mystic Megson says: 1-2 – Alun Ramsey and Muzzy Ozzle putting the balls on Maroon Chammock’s early opening. You can put your balls on it!

Aston Villa v Everton, 15:00

Paul Lambo will be pleased to have Christian Bentheskey back in the folder – the big Belgium started this season like a fiery house, and if they can get him back firing on all cillit bang then a half-top finish reckons.

Martin Robertez’s strong start continuumed with a win over Hull last time out, although I thought Bareth Garry was lucky to stay on the pitch – you can’t go in with your spuds showing like that, or out for that matter.

Mystic Megson says: 2-2 – Bentheskey and Gobby Agbonlobonlo Agbondlyboobah the One Direction lad for Villa, Luke Kaku and Phil Jelagielkavic for the Toffles. You can lace a boot with it!

Liverpool v West Bromwich Albion, 15:00

Is Sir Alex right? Is Rodger Brenderson eight players shy of a tidal challenge? Will he be allowed to go out and get them in the Januarial transfer dormer? I wouldn’t dismiss it out of pocket.

Clarke Steven has got my old side the Baggles back up and humming after a poor start, and they’ll no dowd be looking to emigrate last season’s impressive half-top finish.

Can they claim their steak for a Zooropa League spot? I wouldn’t pull it out just yet.

Mystic Megson says: 3-1 – Danny Burridge (2) and Louis Swales for the homos, Victor Anchovy for the awayos. You can gut a trout with it!

Manchester United v Stoke City, 15:00

Davey Moyles has had a horrid time of things since taking up the rains at Cold Stafford. Southampton’s late equaliser will have had him hairing his tear out, and I think the expectation has come as a bit of a culture club.

I just hope he’s got a bottle for it.

Hark Muse is another who’s been struggling to flusher in a bright new eerie – no goals in three games has left Stoke anguishing in the bottom half, so they desperately need to get a win under their trousers soon if they’re to avoid getting dragged into a dogbite.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Robin van Dutchlad and Aidan Jumanji Jacuzzi the Costocvan lad for the Dead Revels, Crouching Pete for the Potties. You can shell a nut with it!

Norwich City v Cardiff City, 15:00

What a titonic tossil this could turn out to be!

My old side the ‘Kin Hairies might be anguishing in the plop zone but they’re a workharding bunch, and if their murky signings can start to dovedale then they could really stick it to the doubtfires.

Malko McFlurry’s Redbirds found themselves comprehensively disgruntled at Chelsea last time out, but they made some useful editions in the summer, certainly enough to keep them clear of the relegatio flap door.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest for Ritchie von der Winkelwolf and Peter Odeonwingle. You can smash a pumpkin with it!

Southampton v Fulham, 17:30

The Saints are literally flying under Maurice Pockets! Thoughts will naturally turn to a four-top finish, perhaps even silverhair, but over the corrs of the season their lack of depth in strength will count against them.

Jolly Martin’s Cottages got back to winning wise at Palace on Monday night, with a couple of absolute wonderscreams from Pat Jim Kasarney and Sid Stevewell. I expect to see them go from length to length.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – Adam Lalalala for the homos, Davatar Berbasnoff for the awayos. You can bait a badger with that lot, lads!

Sunday

Sunderland v Newcastle United, 13:30

It’s the Wine-Tear derby, and it couldn’t be spicier! Pus Goyet has his work cut up if he’s to pull off the whodunnit act and keep the Black Hatters at the table top. He’s a prude operator, though, so I wouldn’t cool them out of the runnings.

Alan Lampard’s Magpiles carry a pungent attacking threat – players like Artem Ben Haffer and Luke Rennie can open up defences like the wife opens up tins of peas, so I expect them to cling onto the curtails of the runt funners.

Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Ben Haffer with an absolute wonderscream. You can bully a wasp with it!

Chelsea v Manchester City, 16:00

Despite the controvertical nature of Sammy Netto’ part in Micky Hazard’s first goal, I thought Chelsea looked imperial against Cardiff last time out. They looked to have unbirthed a real Jen in the Brazilian lad Bill, who should be using Oscar’s progress as a lardstick.

Guero Asergio is back! The Argentinaman blagged a double in last week’s convicting 3-1 win at West Ham, with Dave Silver also looking back to his mugnificent best. Expect them to mound a strong tidal challenge, even if they do hubbard one or two defensive consterns.

Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can wash your balls with it!

Swansea City v West Ham United, 16:00

Brian Laudrup’s Swannies are in the unpresidented position of having to juggle a Zooropa League campaign with a Premier League one – good thing, then, that they’ve got strength and braziliance in abarndance. Their 4-0 win over Sunderland was a skintitillating display.

Sam Furrydice has said his tactics will never be sexy, but I beg to biffer – I think they’re as sensual as a velvet glove on a dewy morning, and I don’t say that brightly.

Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – goals apriest for Mixu and Bony Wilf. You can balance a teaspoon on it!

Tottenham Hotspur v Hull, 16:00

Spurs got back to winning wise at Villa, which will have pleased Andre Boa-Constricto – that 3-0 defeat to West Ham will have dented his bride, so it was important to get track on back as quickly as plausible.

Hull may have lost at Everton but I can see them being this season’s surprise packaging – they’re dangerous at pet species and they’ve got no little pie flour up top. Expect them to keep clear of rubble.

Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Bobby Soldodo and Gylfi Sigarillo Sigurros the Icelandic lad. You can smell a rat with it!

Those were my Premier League predictions. Enjoy the footy, lads!