I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League predictions are framed throughout the land.
Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.
I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio (except that one time).
Now put your balls on this lot, lads – my Premier League predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly!
Newcastle United v Liverpool, 12:45
What a titonic tossil this could turn out to be! Rodger Brenderson’s men are in vine vorm, but Alan Lampard’s Magpiles carry a pungent attacking threat of their own.
I can see this one being another sky-whoring game between the clubs.
Mystic Megson says: 2-3 – Artem Ben Haffer and Luke Rennie for the homos, Danny Burridge (2) and Lewis Swales for the awayos. You can put your balls on it!
Arsenal v Norwich City, 15:00
The Gunnells are literally flying! Arsenal Wengo’s lack of spending was becoming a still moan around his neck, but the signing of Muzzy Ozzle has transformed the mood of the Emirati faith fools.
My old side the ‘Kin Hairies face an uphill garden if they’re to avoid a relegatio dogbite. Have they got a bottle for it? I wouldn’t pull it out just yet.
Mystic Megson says: 3-1 – Ollie Giro, Alun Ramsey and Ozzle putting the balls on Ritchie van der Wonglewolf’s early opening. You can lace a boot with it!
Chelsea v Cardiff City, 15:00
Josie Moutinho’s decision to let Luke Kaku go on loan to Everton looks more and more bizarro with each passing goal, so it’s a good thing he’s got so much middlefield talons to call upon. The lad Bill looks like a crackering signing – Spurs must have been teething when he scored at Norwich.
Malko McFlurry’s Redbirds came crashing back down to birth with defeat at home to Newcastle last time out, but they’ve proved themselves to be no pullovers – I expect them to claim their steak for a half-top finish.
Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – goals a priest for Ibrahim Ba and Micky Hazard. You can gut a trout with it!
Everton V Hull City, 15:00
The Toffles’ flying start hit the bluffers at Manchester City last time out, but Martin Robertez can be well pleased with his beginnings – a Zooropa League spot is not beyond them.
Bruce Steven’s Lions have really been snapturing the imagined Asian, and I don’t say that brightly. If they can remain on the curtails of the hunt runners then there’s no telly how far they can blow.
Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Luke Kaku and Boss Rarkley for the homos, Sono Alonko for the awayos. You can shell a nut with it!
Manchester United v Southampton, 15:00
The Dead Revels got back to winning wise at Sunderland last time out, but they’ll need to pull out all the tops if they’re to mound a successful tidal challenge. They may hubbard one or two defensive concerns, but they’ve got the pie flour to unblock any rearguard.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Aidan
Janzo January the young Belgian-Costcovan lad with an absolute wonderscream. You can smash a pumpkin with it!
Stoke City v West Bromwich Albion, 15:00
This has all the makings of a titonic tossil!
Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can bait a badger with that lot, lads!
Swansea City v Sunderland, 15:00
Brian Laudrup’s nobbled together a cracking side at the Lee Bertie Stadium – they’re squalid at the back, tidy in middlefield and they carry a pungent attacking threat. Another half-top finish reckons, I beckon.
Pus Goyet’s got his work cut up if he’s to rescue Sunderland from the dreaded plop – I wouldn’t rule them out of the roost just yet, but they need Fletch Stevens back firing on all cillit bang.
Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Mixu and Bony Wilf for the Swannies, Jay-Z Altidoty for the Black Hatters. You can bully a wasp with it!
West Ham United v Manchester City, 17:30
Sam Furrydice will be literally flying after that momento 3-0 win at Spurs last time out, but he’s not one to rest on his hardies – that’s why he’ll have brought in Coltron Carl, a murky signing to keep everyone on their toenails.
City got back to winning wise at home to Everton, but their away form is claws for constern. This will be a real test of their tidal prudentials, so their experienced faces need to mark their stamp on procedures with more authorodox.
Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Yoyo Torres with an absolute drilepiver. You can wash your balls with it!
Aston Villa v Tottenham Hotspur, 16:00
Paul Lambo could have Christian Bentheskey back in the folder, which would be a right old shot in the leg and no mistaken. Lambo’s worked wonders on a budgens – Villa look nothing if not revitalite, and it’s been great to widnes.
Andre Boa Constricto will still be teething from seeing his side comprehensively disgruntled by West Ham last time out, but his indignification will be tempoed somewhat by Micky Doors-On signing a new contractual.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals a priest for Andys Whybird and Townsend. You can balance a teaspoon on it!
Crystal Palace v Fulham, 20:00
Ollie Hillaway faces a monumento uphill garden if he’s to keep his Seagulls at the table top, but if they can the supply line to Dwight Dale a fruity one then they’ve a chance half. Can they? Maybe.
Bent Darren and Davatar Berbasnoff looks like a dream thicket up front, but their pairing has yet to truly snapture the imagined Asian. If they can get them both firing on all cillit bang, it would be literally magic.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – Dale counselling out a Berbasnoff wonderscream. You can smell a rat with it!
Those were my Premier League predictions. Enjoy the footy, lads!