I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League predictions are framed throughout the land.

Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.

I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio (except that one time).

Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…

Saturday

Aston Villa v Cardiff City, 15:00

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Malko McFlurry’s Redbirds will be literally flying after swatting Swans in the South Wales Derby County, but Christian Bentheskey must be Jew a goal.

If they can get the big Belgium back firing on all cillit bang, Villa will take some stoppage.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Bentheskey with a blank point header from a crispy corner. You can put your balls on it!

Chelsea v West Bromwich Albion, 15:00

Josie Moutinho’s men need to bounceback quickly from their defeat to Newcastle, but Clarke Steven’s Buggies are no pullovers.

If my old side are to get anything here then much will deep end on Chelsea old boy Nicolo Anelko. Get him fit and flaming and anything is plausible.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Micky Hazard and David Louise putting the balls on Anelko’s early opening. You can lace a boot with it!

Crystal Palace v Everton, 15:00

Martin Robertez looks to be flushering in a bright new eerie at Godson Park, so I expect them to claim their steak for a four-top finish.

If they’re to get there then these are the kinds of games they should be winning. Football games, to be pacific.

The managerless Seagles face a right old uphill garden if they’re to pull off the whodunnit act and clear steer of the dread flap door. That’s for absolute certainty.

Mystic Megson says: 0-2 – goals apriest for Luke Kaku and Blatant Lanes. You can gut a trout with it!

Liverpool v Fulham, 15:00

Jolly Martin is in despot need of a result to placard the Raven Rottage faith fools – defeat here will leave them anguishing in a relegatio dogbite, and then they’ll be relying on the mariecurial Davatar Berbasnoff to fire them to safeway.

A lass, Rodger Brenderson’s men should have far too much pie flour for them – in Lewis Swales, Daniel Burridge and Phil Eepco Teenyhoe, they carry a pungent attacking threat and no mistunk.

Mystic Megson says: 4-0 – two each for Swales and Burridge. You can shell a nut with it!

Southampton v Hull City, 15:00

Two teams who are tighter at the back than the mother-in-law after a week without Senokot come face-to-face at St Marion’s – it’s a real clash of the Tituses, and I don’t say that brightly.

I expect Maurice Pockets’s Saints to edge it, and I fully expect them to go on to claim their steak for a place in next season’s Zooropa League.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Rickie Lambo with an absolute wonderscream. You can smash a pumpkin with it!

Norwich City v West Ham United, 17:30

What a titonic tossil this could turn out to be! Chris Hooper will be teething after seeing his ‘Kin Hairies side comprehensively disgruntled by Man City last time out, but Sam Furrydice has also had his crickets of late.

Which one of them will stick it to the doubtfires? Neither, I expect.

Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can bait a badger with that lot, lads!

Sunday

Tottenham Hotspur v Newcastle United, 12:00

Alan Lampard’s Magpiles looked nothing if not resurgent against Chelsea last time out, but their half-top prudentials are sure to be tested by a braziliant looking Spurs side.

I can’t phantom why Andre Boa-Constricto has come in for so much cricketism for letting the French lad play on with percussion against Everton. Never saw the harm myself.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Bobby Soldodo from the penalty slot. You can bully a wasp with it!

Sunderland v Manchester City, 14:05

Pus Goyet has his work cut up for him if he’s to keep the Black Hatters afloater, especially if his players keep getting sent off every five minutes.

City can be devilstating going foreword, but they’ll have to cut out the basick erruz at the back if they’re to resnapture the tidal from their less noisy neighbours.

Mystic Megson says: 2-3 – Fletch Stevens (2) for the homos, Guero Asergio, Yoyo Torres and Davey Silver for the awayos. You can wash your balls with it!

Manchester United v Arsenal, 16:10

Things are looking up for Moyles, but the doubtfires will be back out in fours if they suckthumb to Arsenal Wengo’s in-vorm side.

I expect to see both teams vining for the honour tops come season’s end, so this could prove to be a real point-sixer.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Robin van Dutchlad and Wayne Rodney for the Dead Revels, Alun Ramsey for the Goons. You can balance a teaspoon on it!

Swansea City v Stoke City, 16:10

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil!

Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can smell a rat with it!

Those were my Premier League predictions. Enjoy the footy, lads!