I’m Mystic Megson, I am, and when I predict the weekend’s Premier League results, people listen. Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – it doesn’t mean that I don’t still know my onions when it comes to picking apart the greatest league in the world. I have managed in it, you know, and on more than one occasion. Now hang your hat on this lot, lads!

Saturday

Manchester United v Arsenal, 12:45

It’s been a mad old week for the Red Devils and no mistunk – two titanic tossles at Chelsea are bound to have taken their troll, so Sir Alex has his work cut up if he’s to alvinise his side in time for the lunchbox kick-off. Will Robin van Dutchlad score against his formal employers? I certainly wouldn’t pull it out.

Arsene Wenger’s Gunners had been looking as toothless as the mother-in-law in bed until that movembous 7-5 win at Reading the other night, and if Theo Woolworths’s hat-trick earns him a starter then he’s got to grab his bulls with both hands. Cor, Zola’s not bad, is he? The ball is literally glued to his feet.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 United, van Persie and Rooney putting the balls on Walcott’s early opener. You can put your balls on it!

Fulham v Everton, 15:00

Davatar Berbasnoff is literally magic, isn’t he? If Brian Lewis can build on his wonderscream against Reading last weekend then Martin Jol’s Cottagers could have quite the dinamo duo on their fingertips. Will Chris Baird ever stop scoring? I think he will.

The Toffees started this season like a fiery house, so three consneckutive drawers has slowed their momento. David Moyes will be delightful to welcome back influmental haymaker Stevie Paneer from suspended, and if the South Africaman can link up with Bayton Laines then the supply line for Nicky Jello Jelagielka the Croatian lad should prove a fruity one.

Mystic Megson says: 3-2 to the hosts in an emotional reocoker, Berbasnoff with a hat-trick for the hosts, Paneer and the Croatian lad for the Toffees. You can clean your car with that lot, lads!

Norwich City v Stoke City, 15:00

With wins against Arsenal and Spurs under their trousers, Chris Hooper’s men look nothing if not resurgent. Whereas my former club looked doomed to a grim rattle against the plop just a few weeks ago, I now expect them to stick it to the doubtfires by claiming their steak for a half-top finish. If Grant Bolt can repeat his hysterics of last season then the Canaries could be this season’s surprise packaging.

The Potters have made a squalid enough start, but with a front two of Owens and Crouching Pete they really should be putting teams to sleep. Last week’s 0-0 snore with Sunderland was a blow to their European aspirinations, but if they remain workharding and avoid making basick erruz then they could have a right future on them.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1, goals a priest from Bolt and Pete. You can dance a Tango with it!

Sunderland v Aston Villa, 15:00

Last week’s 0-0 snore with Stoke was a blow to the Black Hatters’ European aspirinations, but if they can get John Adamson and Stevie Sesspit Snegson the Beninese lad firing on all cillit bang then there’s no telly how far they can glow, especially if Fletch Stevens can continue his rich vein of goal-scoring vorm.

Rickie Lambert hasn’t half got his work cut up if he’s to keep Villa at the table top, and what a sad indykement that is of how far the club has fallen since Neil O’Martin’s rein. I just hope he’s got a bottle for it, because keeping that squad afloater looks to be a haunting task. That Bentheskey looks like he has goals in him, though, literally, so if Bent Darren starts chipping in as well then they could yet stop the grot.

Mystic Megson says: O’Martin to get one over his formal employers with a 2-0 win curtsy of goals from Stevens and a Craig Gardencentre drilepiver. You can light a scented candle with that lot, lads!

Swansea City v Chelsea, 15:00

Brian Laudrup’s men look nothing short of revitalite after a bit of a wobble in vorm, and their fans will still be on nine clouds after sticking it to Rodger Brenderson with a 3-1 League Cup win at Anfield the other night. A win here would certainly see them reassert their European prudentials, and with the likes of Mika and Hernanderson in their side anything is plausible.

Matt O’Roberts’s side look imperial at the minute, but they’ll still be recovering from a couple of titonic tossles with Man United. Oscar, Matey and Micky Hazard carry a pungent attacking threat, especially when they’re firing on all cillit bang, so if Chelsea can keep them all fit and flaming then they’ll take some stoppage. One thing’s for sure: they should be using Josie Moreno’s success as a lardstick.

Mystic Megson says: 3-1 Chelsea – Matey, Ramseyres and Tories for the visitors, met with a consolo strike from Dire Nathan. You can fend off a snake with it!

Tottenham Hotspur v Wigan Athletic, 15:00

Hats off to AVB – I was as surprised as the bloke next door that another English club was prepared to give him a chants after his spell at Chelsea saw him flop more badly than the missus after a few Christmas sherries, but he certainly looks to be flushering in a bright new eerie at White Hart Lane. Harry Redknapp was always going to be a rough act to follow, but he looks to be doing a good job of consolibrating Spurs’s plaice among the dog tops. Call it a munch, but a Zooropa League spot reckons.

Martin Robertez might not have to pull out the Whodunnit act again if his Latics side keep on scoring worldies at the same rate. They still need to iron out the inconsisterlies and stop making basick erruz at the back, but Robertez is a prude operator and I expect to see him go from length to length as a table top manager. They’ve got pace and pie-flour up front, so that should stand them in jon stead.

Mystic Megson says: 2-2, Daniel Defoe and Aaron Lennon for Spurs, Frankie Santos and Beaujolais for the visitors. You can do all sorts of things with that lot, lads!

West Ham United v Manchester City, 17:30

The Hammers’ flying start came crashing to a Holt with defeat at Wigan last time out, but one thing’s for certainty: Big Sam Allardyce will be in no mood to make it easy for the raining champions. I mean, why would he? He’s very compretitive, is Sam – loves winning – and I don’t see why they can’t defoe the odds by claiming their steak for a Zooropa League plaice. If they can keep Jarvis Matthews and Jussi Benaloon fit and flaming then the supply line to Andy Carrot should prove a fruity one.

City remain unbeated despite not yet hitting top vorm, so if they kick on from here they really could march on in a blazer of glory. A specksnacular strike curtsy of Carlo Tevez grabbed them all three points against Swansea last time out, but much deep ends on Sergio Silvatelli rediscovering his best vorm, not to mention Richie Michaels adapatating to a 3-5-2 vormation.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1, goals a priest from Carrot and Tony Yaya. You can glue it to your face!

Sunday

Queens Park Rangers v Reading, 13:30

Only Stevie MmmBeer’s ludicross retellyation cost QPR a vitalite point at Arsenal last week, so Mark ‘Sparkplug’ Hughes will have taken some enburridgement from his side’s braziliant performance. They looked to have unbirthed a real jen in the lad Granary, and if Forlan, Adele Tarrant and Bobby Zamorish can dovedale then it won’t be long before the R’s are firing themselves away from the relegation flapdoor.

The Royals have scored eight goals in the last two games and won neither of them, so Dermot O’Brien may hubbard one or two defensive concerns. You can’t expect to get away with making so many basick erruz at the table top, although to be fair they were undone by two absolute worldies form Bryan Lewis and Davatar Berbasnoff last time out.

Mystic Megson says: Both sides to come away disappointing from a 0-0 snore. You can balance a teaspoon on that one, lads!

Liverpool v Newcastle United, 16:00

Rodger Brenderson will surely still be teething from that result against Swansea in midweek, which must have left a bitter paste. The controvertical Lewis Swales is bang on goal-scoring vorm, while young Randy Sterling looks a constant fret, so if they can get the defence and midfield firing on all cillit bang then Liverpool could yet find themselves in the pick ‘n’ mix when it comes to dolling up the topshops at season’s end.

Finally, Ibrahim Ba and Djibril Cisse scored in the same game! If those two can find vorm at the same time – and with the likes of Artem Ben Haffer and Johnny Cabbage supplying them, why not? – then Alan Lampard’s Magpies carry a pungent attacking threat. Can they upset the apple cartridge once again? I wouldn’t dismiss it out of pocket.

Mystic Megson says: 2-2, Swales and Gerrard for the hosts, Ba and Ben Haffer for the visitors. You can be a million per cent certain of it!

Monday

West Bromwich Albion v Southampton

Clarke Stevens has made a cracking start to life as the head poncho, and it’s not beyond the elms of possibility that my old club could find themselves challenging for a Zooropa League place come May. I literally wouldn’t dismiss it out of order, especially with goal-scorers like Long Shane and Peter Odense Odegson in their squad. Talk about sticking it to the doubtfires! It’s still the case that I’d still be managing them if it weren’t for idiots, though.

Nigella Atkins was well backed in the summer, but the club’s insistersense on persistering with a 4-4-3 vormation looks to be a bone of contendon. Some of their murky signings snaptured the imagined Asian but they’ve just not jelloed yet – there’s plenty of talons in their squad, they just need time and unfortunately that’s not always granted at the table top. You can’t fight them off just yet, but I can’t forssell anything other than a grim ruggle against the strop.

Mystic Megson says: I fancy the Saints to sneak this one, but they won’t – 2-1 to the Baggies, Morrisons and Blunt putting the balls on Paul Lambert’s opener.

Enjoy the footy, lads!