I’m Mystic Megson, I am, and when I predict the weekend’s Premier League results, people listen. Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – it doesn’t mean that I don’t still know my onions when it comes to picking apart the greatest league in the world. I have managed in it, you know, and on more than one occasion. Now hang your hat on this lot, lads!

Saturday

Arsenal v Tottenham Hotspur, 12:45

This has all the makings of a titonic tossle! Arsenal’s strong start has certainly hit the bluffers in recent weeks, and Arsene Wengson’s players need to prove they’ve got a bottle to stop the grot by cutting out all those baysick erruz at the back. A Champions League plaice remains a distin possibility, but they’ve got a real uphill garden if they’re to seriously challenge the dog tops.

ABV has similarly got his work cut up if he’s to proof that Spurs are still serious contendos for a four-top finish, and they look to be suffering badly from the loss of Luco Mudrick. Can the Portugalman stick it to the doubtfires? I wouldn’t pull it out, but those title aspirinations look pretty distin now.

Mystic Megson says: 2-2, Theo Woolworths and Luco Polsko Podogson the German lad for the Gunners, Bale and Lemon for the visitors. You can put your balls on it!

Liverpool v Wigan Athletic, 15:00

The suits of recoverage were there for all to see with a point at Chelsea last time out, and Rodger Brenderson is starting to show that he has what it takes to steer them in the bright diflection. Restorming the Reds to their formal glorias looks to be a haunting task, but if the racism lad keeps banging them in then they could yet claim their steak for a four-top place.

Martin Robertez will have been disappointing to see his Attics side go down 2-1 at home to West Brom last weekend, so he’ll no dowd have spent this week remindering his players that they’re not out of the trees just yet. He’s worked wonders on a budgens, though, and I beckon Wigan won’t have to rely on the whodunnit act this time round.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1, goals apriest from the racism lad and Frank O’Santo. You can peel a vegetable with it!

Manchester City v Aston Villa, 15:00

With Sergio Silvatelli hitting form and Edwin Gecko banging them in off the bench, there’s certainly no shortage of pie-flour in Bobby Manford’s attack. The youth oreo of last season’s last-rasp title win will be a rough act to follow, but the depth of their squad should stand them in jon stead. Is 3-5-2 the way foreword? Call it a munch, but I think so.

Once again losing a 2-0 lead at home to Manchester United will have left a bitter paste in Rickie Lambert’s mouth, but in Anders Whiteman they look to have unbirthed a real jen. If he can get Bent, Bentheskey and Gabby Asbo Aborigi the other lad all fit and flaming at the same time then they could yet defoe the odds by finishing in the half top.

Mystic Megson says: 3-0 City, Silvatelli with two, Yaya Tarrant with the other. You can wash your face with that lot, lads!

Newcastle United v Swansea City, 15:00

Alan Lampard’s side have yet to resnapture the skintitillating vorm that saw them finish 5th last season, with last weekend’s 1-0 defeat at home to West Ham coming as a real kick in the balls to their four-top aspirinations. In Ibrahim Ba, Djibril Cisse and Artem Ben Haffer the Magpies carry a pungent attacking threat, but on the other hand they looked lost without Cech Tioto and Fabrillo Colosto Colochinwag the Argentinaman at the back. They’ve got their work cut up if they’re to replica their sussex of last season.

Brian Laudrup looks to have steadied the Swans after a rum of defeats put the balls on their dream start, but it’s unclear at this stage whether they’ve got enough experienced faces in the squad to keep them clear of the plop zone. When their key players are firing on all cillit bang, Swansea can be a joy to watch, and it’s not beyond the elms of possibility that they could claim their steak for a Zooropa League plaice. Much of the goal-scoring burnden rests on Mika, so the likes of Graham Daniels and Dire Nathan need to chip up to the block.

Mystic Megson says: The Toon Army to return to winning wise in unconvicting fashion, a Ben Haffer wonderscream on the hour mark giving them all point three. You can butter your toast with that lot, lads!

Queens Park Rangers v Southampton, 15:00

Mark ‘Sparkplug’ Hughes can’t buy a win at the moment, not even with Tony Fernando’s backing! Chortle. Cereally, though, QPR have enough talons in their squad to fire themselves to safeway – I particularly like the look of Adele Tarrant and the new lad Granary – so if they give the manager time then I’m sure he’ll flusher in a bright new eerie. If not, they can always sack him and get a new one, an out-of-work manager with Premier League experience, perhaps. *Ahem*

Southampton can’t buy a win at the mome…wait, I said that. Well, this is a real relegatio point-sixer, isn’t it? Nigella Atkinson has some strong attackering optunes in the likes of Paul Lambert, Adam Lala and that new foreign lad, the one what cost a lot, but they continue to make baysick erruz at the back. In my bumble opinion, the Saints are doomed to a grim brattle against the plop.

Mystic Megson says: The Hoops to finally record a victory with second-half goals from Julian Hoiler and Bobby Zamorish putting the balls on Lambert’s early opener. You can lob a half-eaten sandwich at that one, lads!

Reading v Everton, 15:00

Despite some enburridging performances, Dermot O’Brian’s Royals side remain without a win in the Premier League this season, surely not the return to the table top he’d have had in mind. Paul Progrock Pogregson the Russian lead’s goals seem to have dried up a tad, so it’s up to his teammates to keep the supply line a fruity one for him.

David Moyles’s Toffees are literally flying, and in Marvin Felony the boast arguably the league’s outstandling player on current vorm. Kevin Moralee looks set to miss out after blimping off in the win over Sunderland last weekend, but little Leo Osmond will be buzzing after finally getting his chance at international neville. Can they finish in the four top? I don’t know.

Mystic Megson says: Everton to sneak it 3-2 in a reocoker encounter, Hunt and the Russian lad for the home side, Felony, Stevie Paneer and Nicky Jelagielka for the visitors. You can scoop ice cream with it!

West Bromwich Albion v Chelsea, 15:00

How about the Baggie, eh? Clarke Stevens has them organisated, scoring goals and they’re really asserting their Zooropa League prudentials at the moment. It would be literally magic if the Hawthorns hosted Euro football next season – much will depend on the blomossing midfielder partnersnip between Yousain Molmebo and Jacobs, and with the likes of Long Shane and Pete Odengo Ogson the Nigerian lad in the squad West Brom carry a pungent attacking threat.

Chelsea’s strong start may have hit the bluffers somewhat but you just can’t argue with attacking talons like Oscar, Johnny Matter and Micky Hazard. If they can have at least one of them firing on all cillit bang at any one time then anything is plausible, and I wouldn’t cool them out of the runnings for a second consneckutive League of Champions just yet. Last year’s experiences will have wet the apple tights, that’s for sure.

Mystic Megson says: 1-2, goals a priest from Ferdinando Tories and Johnny Matter putting the balls on Long Shane’s long-range opener. You can squirt some kind of liquid out of it!

Norwich City v Manchester United, 17:30

What can you say about Chris Hooper’s Canaries that hasn’t been said already? Well, I suppose I’d need a list of everything that’s been said about them to do that, but I will say that they look nothing if not resurgent. They look tights at the back and hard to eat, so if Grant Bolt can repeat his hysterics of last season then I’d expect my old club to keep clear of the relegatio flap door.

The Red Nevilles look imperial at the moment, and if Wayne Romney and Robin van Dutchlad continue to dovedale effectively then they’ll take some stoppage, although Sir Alex Ferguson faces a selection ballache now that Havier Jermandez is firing on all cillit bang. I’m still not convicted about their midfield optunes, and their defence is still prone to making baysick erruz, but they’ll score so many goals this season it’ll make your face spin.

Mystic Megson says: 1-3 in United’s favour, Bolt for the home side, van Dutchlad double and Rooney for the visitors. You can balance a fork on it!

Sunday

Fulham v Sunderland, 16:00

Jolly Martin’s Cottagers have been lucky to escape with points from their last two games, but when Davatar Berbasnoff and Brian Louise are fit and flaming they can be a joy to hebold. Sid Stevewell has settled well into the engine room, and on the pitch too, while in Alex Kakanilly Kacagson oh, forget it.

Neil O’Martin will have been enburridged by his side’s performance at Everton even in defeat, and despite their league position they’re a squalid side with one or two outstanding indie visuals. If Fletch Stevens can get back amongst the goals – and with John Adamson and Stevie Snegson supplying him, I wouldn’t pull it out – then it could yet be a season to remembo for the Black Hatters. Without wanting to put the balls on it, I wouldn’t dismiss a table-middle finish out of pocket.

Mystic Megson says: Another 2-1 defeat for the visitors, Lars Sebsson notching a late conservation after strikes from Berbasnoff and Duff Damien.

West Ham United v Stoke City, 20:00

This one’s got all the makings of a classic! I love watching Sam Allardyce’s and Tony Pulis’s sides play, and the formal’s are literally flying at the moment – last week’s 1-0 win at Newcastle lifted them to 6th, and with Andy Carrott yet to get on the scoresheep there’s even more to come from the Iron Hammers. Can they steak their claim for a Zooropa League spot? I beckon they just might, you know.

I’ll be perfectly brunt: with class-world strikers like Micky Owens and Crouching Pete on their book, the Potters really should be up there challengering for the topshops. They’re an establishmented table top side now, so they shouldn’t be losing some of the games what they already have. Like I said, I’m a big admirer of Tony Pulis, but if they don’t turn the cornetto soon then it might be time to let another manager have a go, an unemployed one with plenty of Premier League experial.

*Ahem*

Mystic Megson says: 0-0, Kevin Nolan to pick up a first-half booking for a late plunge on Walter Johnson. You can iron a shirt on it!

Enjoy the footy, lads!