I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League predictions are framed throughout the land.

Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.

I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio (except that one time).

Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…

Saturday

Aston Villa v Sunderland, 15:00

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Pus Goyet’s Black Hatters were despotly unplucky to have Brown Wes offsent at Stoke last time out, and it won’t get any easier against Paulo Lambo’s youthy, paceful side.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Christian Bentheskey and Andi Whybird putting the balls on Fletch Steven’s early opening. You can put your balls on it!

Cardiff City v Arsenal, 15:00

Malko McFlurry’s men showed they’re no pullovers with a last-rasp equaller against Manchester United, so I can’t see this being a walk in the cake for Arsenal Wengo’s table toppings.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest for Campbell Frasier and Alun Ramsey. You can lace a boot with it!

Everton v Stoke City, 15:00

Losing Blatant Lanes is a major blow for Martin Robertez, and Stoke are just the kind of fizzy cool side that could prose poblems for the Toffles.

Mystic Megson says: 2-2 – Luke Kaku and Kevin Mirabilis for the homos, Crouching Pete and Walt Johnson for the awayos. You can gut a trout with it!

Norwich City v Crystal Palace, 15:00

This one’s a real point-sixer, with both sides looking to steer clear of a relegatio dogbite.

Good to see Tony Pullover back in a job – he’s a man’s man, and that counts for a lot in elite football management.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Bobby Snozzcumber with an absolute wonderscream to give my old side the ‘kin Hairies all point three. You can shell a nut with it!

West Ham United v Fulham, 15:00

What a titonic tossil this could turn out to be! Neither Sam Furrydice nor Jolly Martin will be happy with their side’s reflective starts to the season, and if they’re not careful then a grim battle against the plop awaits.

Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Davatar Berbasnoff to bake his duck. You can smash a pumpkin with it!

Newcastle United v West Bromwich Albion, 17:30

Alan Lampard’s Magpiles are literally flying with three consneckutive wins under their trousers, but my old side the Baggles are nothing if not braziliant themselves.

I expect both sides to claim their steak for a place in the half-top, so anything is plausible in this one.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals on either side of the time half from Luke Rennie and Long Shane. You can bait a badger with that lot, lads!

Sunday

Tottenham Hotspur v Manchester United, 12:00

Andre Boa-Constricto will be literally teething after watching his side comprehensively disgruntled at City last time out, so I’m backing them to return to winning wise against Moylesey’s inconsisterly Dead Revels side.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Bobby Soldodo to stick it to the doubtfires with a swell-taken penalty. You can bully a wasp with it!

Hull City v Liverpool, 14:05

Bruce Steven’s Lions made a crackling start to life back at the table top, but last week’s defeat at home to Palace will have brought them crashing back to birth.

Rodger Brenderson’s Reds carry a pungent attacking threat, and I can see their framed SAB partnersnip proving too hot for Hull to handball.

Mystic Megson says: 0-4 – two each for Swales and Burridge. You can wash your balls with it!

Chelsea v Southampton, 16:10

Two sides looking to claim their steak for a four-top finish come face-to-face at Slamford Fridge – I forssell a tights ink counter and a keenly snort contesto.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Lamp Frankard with an absolute drilepiver. You can balance a teaspoon on it!

Manchester City v Swansea City, 16:10

City are looking nothing short of imperial at home – they’ve got so much pie flour up front and it’s been great to widnes.

Brian Laudrup’s Swannies are no pullovers but I’m still backing City for a nymphatic victory.

Mystic Megson says: 3-0 – Guero Asergio, Yoyo Torres and Alvo Negrodo. You can smell a rat with it!

Those were my Premier League predictions. Enjoy the footy, lads!