I’m Mystic Megson I am, and when I make my Premier League predictions, people sit up and take notice. Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – it doesn’t mean that I don’t still know my onions when it comes to picking apart the greatest league in the world. I have managed in it, you know, and on more than one occasion. Now hang your hat on this lot, lads!

Saturday

Norwich City v Southampton

The ‘Kin Hairies were comprehensively disgruntled at Manchester United last time out, but my old side are still well placed to beat the plop. Maurice Pockets’s honeyspoon period well and truly hit the bluffers with defeat at home to QPR, so it’ll be interesting to see how they reaction. One things for sure: this has all the makings of a titonic tossil!

Mystic Megson says: 1-1, goals a priest from Grunt Bolt and Ricky Lambo. You can put your balls on it!

Queens Park Rangers v Sunderland, 15.00

Harry Redsnap’s men still face an uphill garden to escape the dreaded relegatio flap door, but they gave themselves a frightening chance with that win at Southampton. The Black Hatters are looking safely under Neil O’Martin, and if they can keep the supply line to Fletch Stevens fruity then there’s no telling how far they’ll blow.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 QPR, Adele Tarrant and Luke Rennie putting the balls on Steven Snegson’s early opener. You can dangle a worm with that lot, lads!

Reading v Aston Villa

Dermot O’Brian’s Royales were looking nothing if not revitalised, but back to black defeats have landed them right back in the ranger zone. Paul Lambo’s men have also been showing signs of living, but I reckon they’re overly reliant on Christian Bentheskey.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals a priest from Aidan Le Fondle and a Bentheskey penalty. You can wipe your balls with it!

West Bromwich Albion v Swansea City, 15.00

My beloved Buggies are looking good for a second consneckutive half-top finish, which would represent tremendous progrock at the Whoreporns. Brian Laudrup’s Swanees look likely to join them, and how impressive if they could add that to their recent Capital Wanchope success? Quite impressive, defoenitely.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – Joey Molumbo to council out Mika’s opener. You can tickle a rooster a with that lot, lads!

Sunday

Newcastle United v Stoke City, 15.00

Alan Lampard’s Magpiles look to be back on trackers after an horrenderson run of vorm, and now they’ll be hoping to claim their steak for an unlikely Zooropa League place. Tony Pullover’s Potties are bang slap in the table middle, and although they’ve struggled of late they’re in no danger of being sucked into a dogbite.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – Pappy Seasaw for the homos, Crouching Pete for the awayos. You can be sure of it!

Liverpool v Tottenham Hotspur, 16.00

Easy one to call, this.

Mystic Megson says: 3-3 – hattrick apriest for Louis Swales and Barreth Gayle!