I’m Mystic Megson I am, and when I make my Premier League predictions, people sit up and take notice. Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – it doesn’t mean that I don’t still know my onions when it comes to picking apart the greatest league in the world. I have managed in it, you know, and on more than one occasion.
Now hang your hat on this lot, lads!
Chelsea v West Bromwich Albion, 15.00
This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Raffle Benito has been unable to stop the grot at Stanford Bridge, whereas Clarke Steven’s Baggles have got back to winning wise, claiming their steak for a Zooropa League spot in the process. I forssel a keenly fought contest littered with baysick erruz. Is Lou Kaku illegible to play?
Mystic Megson says: 3-2 Chelsea – Ibrahim Ba (2) and Won’t Matter for the homos, Long Shane and Joey Mulombo for the awayos. You can put your balls on it!
Everton v Reading, 15.00
The Toffles have lost their way a lidl of late, and suddenly a four-top finish looks like a right old uphill garden. The Royals’ recent resergence well and truly hit the bluffers last week when they were comprehensively disgruntled by Wigan, and I can’t forsell anything other than a grim battle against the plop from hair on in.
Mystic Megson says: 2-1 Everton – Kevin Mirabilic and Nicky
Jello Jelagielka Jegson the Croatian lad for Moyles’s men, Le Fondu with a consolatio for Dermot O’Brian’s lads. You can wash your face with that lot, lads!
Manchester United v Norwich City, 15.00
Sir Alex’s Dead Revels look nothing short of imperial at the minute – they really will take some stoppage if they can keep Micky Rooney and Robin van Dutchlad firing on all cillit bang. Chris Hooters’s ‘Kin Hairies looked to be getting sucked back into the relegation dogbite before last week’s last-rasp win over Everton, and I reckon my old side have got a bottle for it.
Mystic Megson says: 2-0 United – Rooney and van Dutchlad, simple as. You can balance a teaspoon on it!
Southampton v Queens Park Rangers, 15.00
Maurice Pocketinho’s moneymoon period well and truly hit the bluffers at Newcastle last time out, but in the likes of Ricky Lambo, Adam Lala and Gastronom Ramirez they carry a pungent attacking threat. As for QPR, I reckon they’re stuffed – but then again, Harry Redsnap’s no mug. On the other hand, they’ve got no chance.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest from Lambo and Adele Tarrant. You can fashion a garment out of that lot, lads!
Stoke City v West Ham United, 15.00
I like Tony Pullover – he takes no prisoners and he makes no apologies for it, which is what you need to be a manager at the table top these days. His Potties side have upset the apple cartridge and no mistunk. As for Sam Furrydice, he’s definitely got the Ironings heading in the bright direction – he makes no apologies for prisoners, and he takes nothing from it.
Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can salt your butties with it!
Sunderland v Fulham, 15.00
This has all the makings of a titonic tossil and no mistunk! Fletch Stevens and Davatar Berbasnoff are two of the league’s standouting strikers, and with the likes of Stevie Snegson and Brian Louise sniffling about, anything can sparkle. Get ready for a Christmas cracker! Er, except it’s not Christmas, obviously.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals a Preece from Aidan Johnson and Sid Stevewell. You can distil some curious kind of liquor with that lot, lads!
Swansea City v Newcastle United, 15.00
Brian Laudrup and his Swannees must be literally flying now they’ve got the Coco Colo Cup under their trousers, and now it’s up to them to assert their top half prudentials all over the Premier League’s face. Alan Lampard looks to have played a blinker with the signing of Muso Sicostco, and the lad Puppy Seasaw seems to have found a bit of vorm. This should be a tight ink counter.
Mystic Megson says: 2-3 – Mika and Jon De Goodman for the homos, Seasaw and Goofron for the awaos. You can be sure of it!
Wigan Athletic v Liverpool, 17.30
Can Martin Robertez pull off the Whodunnit act once again? I wouldn’t rule it out of pocket, that’s for certainty. The suits of recoventry were there for all to see in last week’s 3-0 disgruntling of Reading, but Rodger Brenderson’s Reds will be an altogether tougher properposition. They’ve got their eye on a Zooropa League spot and they’ve got the pie-flour up front to get it.
Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Kony and Molony putting the balls on Louis Swales’s early opener. You can stuff your face with that lot, lads!
Tottenham Hotspur v Arsenal, 16.00
Barreth Gayle’s not half bad, is he? Jossi Jasperlinen had no chance with that last-rasp wonderscream the other night, and I expect him to seal a four-top finish for Andre Boa-Constricto at the first time of asking. Er, at Spurs, that is. As for the Gunners, they look to have unbirthed a real Jen in Sandy Carzola, and with the return of Jake Wiltshire they’re sure to be there among the topshops come the end of the season.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals afleece from Manual Adebyebye and Leo Woolworths. You can put someone else’s balls on that lot, lads!
Aston Villa v Manchester City, 20.00
Paul Lambo’s men were looking all sorts of doomed, but Cristiano Benturkey’s goals offer them a way out of rubble. Bobby Manford has also been a man experiencing some pressure, so the 2-0 win over Chelsea last time out is sure to have come as a welcome shot in the face. Can they catch United? I wouldn’t rule it out the roost just yet.
Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Sergio Silvez with an absolute wonderscream. You can braid a chimp with it!
Enjoy the footy, lads!