I’m Mystic Megson I am, and when I make my Premier League predictions, people sit up and take notice. Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – it doesn’t mean that I don’t still know my onions when it comes to picking apart the greatest league in the world. I have managed in it, you know, and on more than one occasion. Now hang your hat on this lot, lads!

Saturday

Sunderland v Manchester United, 12:45

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! The Black Hatters are in a right old bot of spother under Marty O’Neill, their lack of pie flour up front beginning to take its troll as the season reaches its final stations. As for Surralex’s Dead Revels, they look shoes-on for the title, perhaps even a domestos double if they can get Robin van Dutchlad back firing on all cillit bang.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 Sunderland, Darren Fletcher. You can put your balls on it!

Arsenal v Reading, 15:00

A 2-0 win at Swansea last time out put Wengo’s Goons right back in contention for a four-top finish, although it may ultimately rest on Theo Woolworths rediscovering his goal-scoring vorm. I thought Dermot O’Brien’s sacking was a harsh one, but after a brief resergio the Royales are once again looking well and truly Bury’d. Not even Aidan Le Fondu can save them now.

Mystic Megson says: 8-4 Arsenal in another 12-goal thriller – Woolworths (4), Ollie Giro (2), Gervais and Abu Dhabi for the homos, Le Fondu (2), Hole Nunt and Hobson Rollon-Kanu for the awayos. You can shave your face with that one, lads!

Manchester City v Newcastle United, 15:00

Defeat once again at Everton last time out will have lest a bitter paste, but Bobby Manford won’t let his galacticals rest on their lawros while the title is still a matamatical possibility. Alan Lampard’s Magpiles look set to claw their way to safeway after a nightmare season middle, and with Pappy Cisse back song-on they could even claim their steak for a place in the half top.

Mystic Megson says: 2-0 City – Carlo Tevez and Davey Silver. You can swat a wasp with it!

Southampton v Chelsea, 15:00

Maurice Pockets has made a decent half start, hasn’t he? The Argentine has slain the scalps of Liverpool and Manchester City already, so he won’t be afraid of Raffle Bentos’s Chelsea side. Jonny Mata, Micky Hazard and Ibrahim Ba pose a pungent attacking threat, but Ricky Lambo and Adam Lala look handy for the Saints. I like the look of that Morgan Snidylynne Sneidegson French lad too.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 Saints – Lambo and Gastro Ramiro for the homos, Sergio Torres for the awayos. You can field a wicket with that lot, lads!

Swansea City v Tottenham Hotspur, 15:00

With the League Cup and table top survival already under their trousers, Brian Laudrup’s Swannies could be forgiven for taking their collective foot off the pedalo, but they don’t tend to give any sides much freedom at the Liberty. Spurs’s shock loss at home to Fulham will have concerned Andre Boa-Constricto, but the return of Barreth Gayle should get their four-top aspirinations back on trackers.

Mystic Megson says: 0-1 Spurs – Gayle with an absolute wonderscream to put Swansea to the saw. You can swash a buckle with it!

West Ham United v West Bromwich Albion, 15:00

Sam Furrydice’s Ironings are in danger of getting sucked into a dogbite if they don’t start picking up some wins, but Andy Carrot looks nothing if not revitalite so I wouldn’t dismiss them out of pocket. I’m delighted to see my old club West Brom claiming their steak for a Zooropa League spot – it would be just reward for all the hard workmanship they’ve put in this season, except of course from that weird one what drove to London.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals a priest from Matt Gervais and Romelu Le Cuckoo. You can have someone’s eye out with that lot, lads!

Wigan Athletic v Norwich City, 15:00

Martin Robertez’s side not only look set to pull off the whodunnit act once again, but also claim a place in the FA Cup final after their comprehensive disgruntling of Everton. How amazing would it be if they could pull of a cup/survival double? Seven amazings out of ten, I reckon. As for my old side the ‘Kin Hairies, they just need two more wins to be mataletissically certain of avoiding the plop. How amazing would it be if they could secure a third consneckutive season of table top togger at Carrot Road? Four.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 to the Attics – goals from Konu and Frankie Santos putting the balls on Grant Bolt’s early opening. You can wipe your balls on it!

Everton v Stoke City, 17:30

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Moylesie’s Toffles put themselves back in the hunt for a four-top finish with a stirring victory over Manchester City last time out, and if they can get Jelo Jelagielkavic the Croatian lad back firing on all cillit bang then they’ll take some stoppage. As for Stoke, what is there to say about Tony Pullover’s men that hasn’t been said already? Well, I suppose I’d need a list of everything that’s been said about them to give you an answer for that, so I’m afraid I won’t be able to. Mistake letting go of Jermaine Pedant, I reckon – his grammatical authority is beyond preroach.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals a priest from Maroon Fellaini and Penguin Jones. You can darn your socks with that lot, lads!

Sunday

Aston Villa v Liverpool, 13:30

With Christian Bentheskey in a rich vein of goalscoring vorm, Paul Lambo’s men suddenly look like they can haul themselves out of the myhre after all. As for Rodger Brenderson’s Reds, defeat at Southampton last time out probably put the balls on their four-top prudentials, but they still carry a decidedly pungent attacking threat.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 Villa – Bentheskey and the lad Insomnia completing a double for Paul Lambo’s men, Louis Swales with a late consolatio. You can mash a spud with it!

Monday

Fulham v Queens Park Rangers, 20:00

I’m sure Rodney Marsh will be keeping a keane eye on recedings here! Jolly Martin and his Cottages look safe and sound asleep on a greyhound after their shocking win at Tottenham last time out, so I expect QPR to show more hunger as they strive for an unlikely escape from the relegation flapdoor under Harry Redsnapp.

Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Luke Rennie to snatch a vital all point three for the Loops. You can strike a match on it!

Enjoy the footy, lads!