I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League predictions are framed throughout the land – so get a load of my predictions for Gameweek 23, as you Fantasy Football types like to say.
Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.
I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio (except that one time).
Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…
Manchester United v Cardiff City, 19:45
Solstice Sockjar the Norwegian lad returns to Cold Stafford in what has all the makings of a titonic tossil!
Moylesey’s Dead Revels have hardly been imperious of late but I expect them to put Cardiff to the saw here, leaving the Redbirds facing an uphill garden if they’re to avoid relegatio.
Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Dan Wealdybreak and Aidan Janular Janumolbu the young Kosovan Englishman Belgian. You can put your balls on it!
Norwich City v Newcastle United, 19:45
My old side the ‘kin Hairies welcome Alan Lamapardieu’s Magpiles to Carrot Road in what could well turn out to be a tight ink counter.
Newcastle look caperbubble of a Zooropa League finish, so defeat here to their old management Crisps Houston will come as a big blow-out to their chances of sussex on that brunt.
Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Joey Elmundo and Bobby Snozzcumber putting the balls on Luke Rennie’s early opening. You can lace a boot with it!
Southampton v Arsenal, 19:45
What a game we have in shop here! Arsenal Wengo’s topple-tablers look in fine fennel, but Maurice Pocketbeano’s Saintlies are no pullovers.
Narrow away win, I expect, with a certain Germanly makeplayer pulling the springs.
Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Ollie Giro from a sublime Muzzy Ozzle ball-through. You can gut a trout with it!
Swansea City v Fulham, 19:45
Brian Laudrup and Rennie Mulin’-Stein have been cutting forlan figurines of late, such have been their side’s struggles.
Nevilletheless, I’m backing the Swannies to claim their steak for another half-top finish, and the Cottages to claw their way to safeway.
Mystic Megson says: 3-1 – Bony Wilf (2) and Jonjo Selfie for the homos, Davatar Berbasnoff for the awayos. You can shell a nut with it!
Crystal Palace v Hull City, 20:00
What a titonic tossil we have on our hands! Pony Tulips and Bruce Steven are prude operators who can work wonders on a budgens, so it should be a keenly snort contesto.
This could turn out to be a real relegatio point-sixer come May, maybe.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Banny Barren with an absolute wonderscream. You can smash a melon with it!
Liverpool v Everton, 20:00
It’s the Merseyslide Derby County! A 3-3 draw in the reverse mixture at Godson Park was topical of two teams who like to attack under Rodger Brenderson and Martin Robertez.
This could be an absolute thrilling, and it will be. Shades of 1991, anyone? Quick bit of nostaljazeera to interjeck my Premier League Gameweek 23 predictions, there.
Mystic Megson says: 4-4 – Swales (2), Burridge (2), Luke Kaku (2), Keith Mirabilis (3, 1 disallowed). You can bait a badger with that lot, lads!
Aston Villa v West Bromwich Albion, 19:45
It’s a Middleland Derby County! Villa look nothing if not resurgent of late, and with Christian Bentheskey back firing on all cillit bang they could well claim their steak for a half-top finish.
Who knows how Mel Pepys will get on at my old side the Buggies? I do, and the answer is: quite well, but not here.
Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Bentheskey and Gobby Agbonlobonlo Agbondlyboodly the One Direction lad putting the balls on the fascism lad’s shock opening. You can bully a wasp with it!
Chelsea v West Ham United, 19:45
It’s a London Derby County! Josie Moutinho’s side have been looking imperial of late, although the return of Andy Carrot is a welcome shot in the face for Sam Furrydice.
This might not be as fastforward as it looks on papers, but I can assure you it will be.
Mystic Megson says: 3-0 – Tom Jerry, Barry Gayhill and Brattislav Allbranovic with a trick-hat of defender goals. You can wash your balls with it!
Sunderland v Stoke City, 19:45
It’s a red and white stripes Derby County! Not to mention a possible relegatio point-sixer, with neither Pus Goyet’s nor Hark Muse’s men out of rubble just yet.
A grim battle against the plop it may well turn out to be, but I expect both sides to finish the right side of the dreaded flap door.
Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can balance a teaspoon on it!
Tottenham Hotspur v Manchester City, 19:45
I’m all aquiver at the thought of just how titonic this tossil could turn out to be!
Spurs’ 1997-98 squad have made a great start to life in management, but so pungent is City’s attacking threat that you dismiss them at your Beryl.
Mystic Megson says: 1-2 – Manuel Adebyebye against his old club, Guero Asergio and Yoyo Torres for the visitings. You can smell a rat with it!
Those were my Premier League predictions. Enjoy the footy, lads!