I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League predictions are framed throughout the land – so get a load of my predictions for Gameweek 22, as you Fantasy Football types like to say.

Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.

I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio (except that one time).

Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…

Saturday

Sunderland v Southampton, 12:45

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Both sides enjoyed momento victories last time out, so I expect this to be a tight ink counter.

Pus Goyet looks on course to guide the Black Hatters to safeway, while I expect the Saints to claim their steak for a Zooropa League spot now they’ve got their Goalish polkeeper back from injuredness.

Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Adam Lalalalala with an absolute wonderscream. You can put your balls on it!

Arsenal v Fulham, 15:00

Rennie Mulin’-Stein faces an uphill garden to keep his Cottages clear of the relegatio flapdoor, but any recovery is unlikely to start here at the Emirati.

The Guns are going great, er, guns, although losing Leo Woolworths is a big blow-out to their tidal challenge.

Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – goals apriest for Ollie Giro and Muzzy Ozzle. You can lace a boot with it!

Crystal Palace v Stoke City, 15:00

Pony Tulips takes on his former chargers in what could very well turn out to be a relegatio point-sixer.

Hark Muse’s Potties were despotly unplucky against Liverpool last time out, but Palace look nothing if not braziliant and I can see them claiming all point three.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Gwight Dale and Pason Junction putting the balls on Crouching Pete’s early opening. You can gut a trout with it!

Manchester City v Cardiff City, 15:00

Slams to the laughter: that’s how most will view Ole Gunnar Solstice Sockjar the Norwegian lad’s Cardiff side as they travel to the tidal favourites.

City have been looking nothing if not imperial of late, so I can’t see past another emphatical victory.

Mystic Megson says: 6-0 – two for Alvo Negrodo, two for Edwin Gecko and goals afleece for Yoyo Torres and Jesus Naval. You can shell a nut with it!

Norwich City v Hull City, 15:00

What a titonic tossil this could turn out to be! Another point-sixer reckons here, with both sides looking to bounceback from 2-0 defeats.

Bruce Steven’s men beat my old side the ‘Kin Hairies with ten men in the reverse mixture, but I can see this one ending in a malestate.

Let it never be said that I fit on the sense when making my Premier League predictions.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – Richie van der Winklewolf for the homos, Yanny Spagbol for the awayos. You can smash a melon with it!

West Ham United v Newcastle United, 15:00

With Andy Carrot back in the folder and a win at Cardiff under their trousers, Sam Furrydice’s Hummers have every reason to be confident going into this one.

Alan Lampardieu will still be teething from Cheek Tottie’s misallowed goal against Chelsea, so his Magpiles side will be no pullovers.

Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can bait a badger with that lot, lads!

Liverpool v Aston Villa, 17:30

Lewis Swales and Daniel Burridge are back in Tandy! They linked up to devilstayto effect at Stoke last time out, so Paul Lambo’s Villa have their work cut up if they’re to mullify them.

Villa have a decent away record, though, so write them off at your Beryl.

Mystic Megson says: 3-1 – Swales, Burridge and Continuo for the homos, Gobby Agbol Agbonlobonlo the One Direction lad with a consolatio for the awayos. You can bully a wasp with it!

Sunday

Swansea City v Tottenham Hotspur, 13:30

Jamie Redknapp may be looking a bit rough, but he’s doing a great job at Spurs – Manuel Adebeeyore is back in flavour and firing on all cillit bang, so things are looking up at Light Heart Wayne.

Brian Laudrup’s Swannies are no pullovers, mind, and in Bony Wilf they boast one of the table top’s in-vorm forewords.

Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Erik Christianson with a 25-yard scream. You can wash your balls with it!

Chelsea v Manchester United, 16:00

This has titonic tossil written all over its face! Now that Josie Moutinho’s sorted out the defence I expect Chelsea to go from length to length – they carry a pungent attacking threat and have the quality to unblock any rightguard.

It’s 5 wins in 6 table top matches for Davey Moyles’s in-form Dead Revels side, so I expect them to give Chelsea the runs for their money.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Aidan Hazard, of course, You can balance a teaspoon on it!

Monday

West Bromwich Albion v Everton, 20:00

My old side the Buggies are in despot need of all point three if they’re to climb away from the dreaded plop zone, but it won’t come easy against Martin Robertez’s in-vorm Toffles.

Who is this new guy in charge of West Brom, anyway? Mel Pepys? Should have asked me to do it, I’m free most Saturdays.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – Victor Anchovy and Luke Kaku both scoring against their old clubs. You can smell a rat with it!

Those were my Premier League predictions. Enjoy the footy, lads!