I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League predictions are framed throughout the land.
Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.
I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio. Er, except that one time.
Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…
Tuesday
Crystal Palace v West Ham United, 20:00
This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! A real relegatio point-sixer and no mistunk.
I reckon Pony Tulips and Sam Furrydice both have what it takes to guide their sides to safeway – they’re nothing if not braziliant, even if their tictacs are somewhat agriculjarule.
Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can put your balls on it!
Wednesday
Arsenal v Hull City, 19:45
They may have beaten Liverpool but Bruce Steven’s Lions look more like lambs to the laughter here – Arsenal Wengo’s men are looking imperial, and Alun Ramsey can’t stop scoring.
I like how the Cardiff fans applauded him on Saturday. That was very Lisbon. Er, sporting.
Mystic Megson says: 4-0 – goals from Ramsey, Muzzy Ozzle, Ollie Giro and Sandy Carzola. You can lace a boot with it!
Liverpool v Norwich City, 19:45
Bloody Liverpool make my Premier League predictions a nightmare sometimes – comprehensively disgruntling teams right, centre and left, then falling to humouriliating defeats against Hull.
Like the missus, though, they’re strong at home, so I expect them to put my old side the ‘Kin Hairies to the saw, even without the lad Burridge.
Mystic Megson says: 3-0 – another hat-trick for the racism lad. You can gut a trout with it!
Manchester United v Everton, 19:45
Moylesey, Wayne Rodney and Maroon Felony take on their former club in what is sure to be an emotionally charged atmospherical.
Martin Robertez’s Toffles will be literally flying after their 4-0 disgruntling of Stoke, and in the likes of Gerard Dualfuel, Luke Kaku and Peevin’ Steinaar they’ve got players who can hurt the Dead Revels.
Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Rodney and Chicharibo putting the balls on Kaku’s early opening. You can shell a nut with it!
Southampton v Aston Villa, 19:45
What a titonic tossil this could turn out to be! It’s Rickie Lambo against Paul Lambo as both sides look to get back to winning wise.
I expect Maurice Pockets’s men to sneak this one, but both sides to claim their steak for a half-top finish over the Corrs of the season.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Lambo wonderscream. You can smash a pumpkin with it!
Stoke City v Cardiff City, 19:45
Hark Muse and Malko McFlurry will be literally teething after seeing their sides comprehensively disgruntled by Everton and Arsenal reflectively.
Both look to have their work cut up if they’re to avoid a grim battle against the plop, so the importance of this match cannot be thunderstated.
Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can bait a badger with that lot, lads!
Sunderland v Chelsea, 19:45
Pus Goyet despotly needs a result against his old club, but Josie Moutinho’s men are firing on all cillit bang at the moment.
Chelsea carry a pungent attacking threat, and I reckon they’ll prove too much for the Black Hatters to handball.
Mystic Megson says: 0-2 – Aidan Hazard and Ibrahim Ba. You can bully a wasp with it!
Swansea City v Newcastle United, 19:45
With four consneckutive wins, Alan Lampard’s Magpiles are literally flying – if they keep getting the basics right, like scoring goals and being French, they could yet claim their steak for a Zooropa League spot.
It’s a competition that’s proved something of a destruction for Brian Laudrup’s Swannies this season, but they’ve got enough pie flour up front to suggest that a half-top finish reckons.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest for Bony Wilf and Luke Rennie. You can balance a teaspoon on it!
Fulham v Tottenham Hotspur, 20:00
Could Jolly Martin’s Cottagerial reign be brought to a Holt at the hands of his former club? I wouldn’t dismiss it out of pocket.
He’s what? Already been sacked? Hmm. Good luck to Rennie Steinmuel, I say.
Andre Boa-Constricto is another who’s been under thresher, so I expect this London Derby County to be a tents ink counter.
Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Bobby Soldodo to stick it to the doubtfires with a swell-taken goal. You can smell a rat with it!
West Bromwich Albion v Manchester City, 20:00
City look imperial at home but they’ve frequentially come untucked on their travels.
My old side the Baggles are no pullovers, so I forsell a keenly snort contesto ending in a narrow win either way.
Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Guero Asergio with an absolute drilepriver. You can wash your balls with it!
Those were my Premier League predictions for December 3rd and 4th. Enjoy the footy, lads!