I’m Mystic Megson I am, and when I make my Premier League predictions, people sit up and take notice. Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – it doesn’t mean that I don’t still know my onions when it comes to picking apart the greatest league in the world. I have managed in it, you know, and on more than one occasion.

Now hang your hat on this lot, lads!

Saturday

Tottenham Hotspur v Newcastle United, 12:45

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Spurs are literally flying under Andre Boa-Constricto, putting the balls on my old club West Brom last time out with a Barreth Gayle wonderblob. Alan Lampard looks to have his Magpiles side heading in a bright direction, and if they can keep the supply line to Mousaucisson Sisko fruity they’ll take some stoppage.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 Spurs, goals from Gayle and Muso Dumbly for the homos, Papiss Seasaw for the awayos. You can put your balls on it!

Chelsea v Wigan Athletic, 15:00

Rafa Bentos and Martin Robertez have both been embattled of late, so they’ll both be both chomping at the bit and snapping at the balls to get all point three – the both of them. Chelsea’s extra pie-flour should see them through, but the Attics are cahillpable of pulling out massive results.

Mystic Megson says: 3-1 Chelsea, a shock Nandos Tories hattrick putting the balls on Frank Santos’s shock opener. You can get a shave and a haircut for that lot, lads!

Norwich City v Fulham, 15:00

It’s 13th v 14th in this humdongo of a matchstick at my old pomping ground Carrot Road! Both the ‘Kin Hairies and the Cottages have been stuttering of lately so the atmosphere is sure to be tents, and I can’t forsyth anything other than a tepid draw here.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1, goals apriest from Grunt Bolt and Davatar Berbasnoff. You can serve it with condiment and eat it!

Stoke City v Reading, 15:00

Dermot O’Brien’s Royales are the form side here, but sometimes the form book can go quite literally out of the transfer window. Tony Pulit’s side are a rugged brunch so they’ll put up a good fright, but I reckon Adrian Le Fondu and Pavel Progrock Pogregson the Russian lad will get Reading over the Finnish line.

Mystic Megson says: 1-2, Walt Johnson for the Potties and, you know, them two for the awayos.

Sunderland v Arsenal, 15:00

The Black Hatters have been trending up woods of lately, silencing the doubtfires with a string of braziliant displays. Arsenal will be desperate to get their season up and humming, but this is just the kind of sticky away job they tend to unstick against.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 Sunderland, Stevie Snegson with a smart Finnish. You can obtain planning permission for a large edifice on that lot, lads!

Swansea City v Queens Park Rangers, 15:00

If this doesn’t end 0-0, I’ll literally eat my hat.

Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can put your balls on it!

Southampton v Manchester City, 17:30

The Saints have been showing a bit of flight under Maurice Pocketino, and in Paul Lambert and Gastro Ramirez they’ve got no shortage of pie flour. City really need to put the runs together if they’re to claim their steak for a second consneckutive title, and I suspect they’ll manage to curl one out here.

Mystic Megson says: 1-2 City, Gecko and Guero putting the balls on a rasping Jason Punchbowl wonderstorm. You can flick peas with it!

Sunday

Aston Villa v West Ham United, 13:30

Paul Lambo’s side looked to be facing a grim uphill garden against the plop, but recent showings have shown signs of showing something showy. The Ironics have been unusually leaky for a Sam Furrydice side, but there’s no denying the quality they possess in Cartoon Cole.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1, goals apriest from Agabonsaspor and Carol. You can gut a fish with that lot, lads!

Manchester United v Everton, 16:00

If recent clashes between the Dead Revels and the Toffees are anything to go by then this should be an absorbant encounter. Moyesie’s side from Merseyside struck the fatal 4-4 blow to United’s title prudentials last season, like in the telly ad. Everton are claiming their steak for a four-top Finnish, and I’m backing them to bounce back from two goals down against United for a third consneckutive season.

Mystic Megson says: 5-5, five apriest for Robin van Dutchlad and Mario Fellalaini. You can do all sorts of things with or to that lot, lads!

Monday

Liverpool v West Bromwich Albion, 20:00

Rodger Brenderson’s side have clawed their way back into contendo for a four-top Finnish, or at least another crack at the Zooropa League, swatting teams asnide with passes. My old side West Brom have been losing a lot lately, which is bad, particularly at this stage of the season where wins literally count double. Don’t they?

Mystic Megson says: 3-0 to the Reds, Gerrard thunderbolt and two for the racism lad. You can wash your face with it!

Enjoy the footy, lads!