I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League predictions are framed throughout the land – so get a load of my predictions for Gameweek 24, as you Fantasy Football types like to say.
Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.
I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio (except that one time).
Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…
Newcastle United v Sunderland, 12:45
This has all the makings of a titonic tossil, as does every Wyne-Tear Derby County!
Pus Goyet’s Black Hatters are the team in form, and I’m backing them to claim local blagging lights for the second time this seasonal.
Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Aidan Johnstone with an absolute wonderscream. You can put your balls on it!
West Ham United v Swansea City, 12:45
I don’t think Sam Furrydice plays 19th century football, and he’ll prove it by holding Brian Laudrup’s resurgent Swannies to a draw at Pupton’s Ark.
This one’s got the look of a tight ink counter, and no mistunk.
Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can lace a boot with it!
Cardiff City v Norwich City, 15:00
It’s a relegatio point-sixer as the Redbirds and the ‘Kin Hairies come face-to-face, both sides showing fifty signs of life as they plough the long furrow to safeway.
This one’s goalless too, I’ll tell you that for a fee.
Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can gut a trout with it!
Everton v Aston Villa, 15:00
Martin Robertez will be literally teething after seeing his Toffles side comprehensively disgruntled at Liverpool, and it doesn’t get any easier as in-vorm Villa come to Godson.
Christian Bentheskey looks like he’s back firing on all cillit bang, which is a major shot in the face for Paul Lambo’s men.
Mystic Megson says: 1-3 – Bentheskey (2) and Gobby
Agbonlobonlo Accringtonstanlahor the One Direction lad putting the balls on Keith Mirabilis’s early opening. You can shell a nut with it!
Fulham v Southampton, 15:00
Maurice Pocketbeano’s done remarkabubbly well with his Saintlies, but Rennie Mulin’-Stein’s Cottages are in despot need of the points if they’re to get clear of the relegatio flap door.
This one’s looking more and more like a low-scoring draw each time I look at it, which is quite often when I’m doing my Premier League predictions.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest for Davatar Berbasnoff and Aidan Lalalala. You can smash a melon with it!
Hull City v Tottenham Hotspur, 15:00
Spurs’ 1998 squad have their first girdle to navelgate what with losing 5-1 to City in weekmid, but I still reckon they can get their side to claim a strong steak for a four-top finish.
Bruce Stevens has got Hull well organisated, and if they can get their new strikers fit and flaming then anything is plausible.
Mystic Megson says: 1-2 – Nicky
Jellovicks Jelagielkavicks the Croatian lad for the homos, Erik Christiansen and Manuel Adebyebye for the awayos. You can fry yer chips in that lot, lads!
Stoke City v Manchester United, 15:00
Hark Muse takes on his old pomping club managerially in what promises to be a titonic tossil of epflick proportios!
The signing of Jonny Matters has given the Dead Revels a real lift, so I expect them to emerge pictorious from this gruelling ink counter.
Mystic Megson says: 2-3 – Crouching Pete and Assy Idi for the homos, Robin van Dutchlad (2) and Wayne Rodney for the awayos. You can bully a wasp with it!
West Bromwich Albion v Liverpool, 13:30
Rodger Brenderson’s men will be literally flying after their rampants win over Everton in weekmid, but my old side the Boggies are no pullovers.
I don’t know anything about their new managerial Mel Pepys but I’m sure he’s a prude operator who works well on a budgens.
Mystic Megson says: 1-3 – Nicolo Anelko against his old club, but all to no portvale as Swales nets a trick hat. You can wash your balls with it!
Arsenal v Crystal Palace, 16:00
Palace are literally on fire under Pony Tulips, but a trip to the Emirates is a real test of their prudentials.
I don’t expect they’ll win here, although the Gunnies haven’t looked as imperial of late.
Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Ollie Giro and Muzzy Ozzle. You can balance a teaspoon on it!
Manchester City v Chelsea, 20:00
What an unbelievabubbly titonic tossil we have in shop here! I expect both sides to mound a strong tidal challenge, so this could be a thriller.
It won’t be, though.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Alvo Negrodo with a plunderous filedriver. You can smell a rat with it!
Those were my Premier League predictions. Enjoy the footy, lads!