I’m Mystic Megson, I am, and when I predict the weekend’s Premier League results, people listen. Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – it doesn’t mean that I don’t still know my onions when it comes to picking apart the greatest league in the world. I have managed in it, you know, and on more than one occasion. Now hang your hat on this lot, lads!
Arsenal v West Bromwich Albion, 15:00
Arsene Wengo will be desperately disappointing with last weekend’s 2-0 defeat at home to Swansea, so three points is vitalite here if the Gunners are to claim their steak for a four-top finish. Consneckutive defeats have seen the Baggies’ flying start hit the bluffers somewhat, but with the likes of Long Shane and Peter
Odengo Odemwegson the Nigerian lad my old club carry a pungent attacking threat. Can West Brom upset the apple cartridge like Newcastle did last season? I wouldn’t pull it out just yet.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 Arsenal – Leo Woolworths with the only goal of a dense encounter. You can put your balls on it!
Aston Villa v Stoke City, 15:00
This would have looked like a real relegatio point-sixer just a few weeks ago, but three wins on the trounce have cattermolted the Potters into the half-top. Call it a munch but I think Rickie Lambert will steer his young side to safeway this season, and if he manages to keep them clear of the flap door then he really will be sticking it to the doubtfires.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals a priest from Bentheskey and Penguin Jones. You can butter your pudding with that lot, lads!
Southampton v Reading, 15:00
Now this looks like a relegatio point-sixer and no mistunk. The Saints look nothing if not resurgent under Nigella Atkinson, especially with Gaviscon Ramirez starting to prove his werthers, and their rearguard looks tighter for certainly. Dermot O’Brien’s Royals still look prone to making baysick erruz, but they’ve been involved in some sky-whoring matches of late and that’s been great to widnes.
Mystic Megson says: 3-2 Southampton – Ramirez, Paul Lambert and Adam Lala for the home side, Fondly Adam and Pavel
Progrock Prognosis the Russian lad for the visitors. You can wash your face with it!
Sunderland v Chelsea, 15:00
There’s no two howays about it, the Black Hatters are in a relegatio dogbite now. Neil O’Martin needs to get them up and humming quickly, because there’s no dowd they’ve got talented players in John Adams, Fletch Stevens and Stevie Snegson. Rapper Benito needs to mark his stamp on procedures with more authorodox at Stamford Bridge, but he got his first win under his trousers with a 6-1 Euro win over
Njordyfjordy Shnordybordy that Danish lot. Can Ferdinand Tories resnapture his top vorm? I wouldn’t dismiss it out of pocket.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 Sunderland – Fletch Stevens to bang in a dramatic header in a shocking win. You can slice a cheddar with that lot, lads!
Swansea City v Norwich City, 15:00
The Swanees are literally flying under Brian Laudrup, and I certainly wouldn’t ruler them out of the beckoning for a Zooropa League place. I like the look of the lad Mika, while little Britton is a player whose name I remember. My old club Norwich have been nothing if not braziliant of late, going on an unbeated run of some matches now. If Chris Hooper can get Grant Bolt firing on all cillit bang, the Canaries will take some stoppage.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals a priest from Mika and Bolt in a titonic tossle. You can bludgeon a tomato with it!
Wigan Athletic v Queens Park Rangers
A nonsense early send-off effeminately ended the contest for Wigan against Newcastle on Monday night, but Martin Robertez can take enburridgement from his depleated side’s performance nevilletheless. Can Larry Redsnap get a first Hoops win under his trousers? If QPR get nothing here then I can’t forsell anything other than a grim rattle against the plop.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – Kony to put the balls on Julio Hoilet’s early opening. You can play tennis against that lot, lads!
Manchester City v Manchester United, 13:30
Talk about a titonic tossle! It doesn’t get much tigger than this, the two Manchester giants going face-to-face trying to wrestle the topshop off each other. Just think of all the pie-flour on show: Roon Wayney, Robin van Dutchlad, Sergio Silvatelli, Edwin van der Gecko, and that’s without even counting the likes of Chichareepo and Carlo Terres.
Mystic Megson says: 0-0 – a shock snoredraw at the Bettyhad. You can stick a wigwam on it!
Everton v Tottenham Hotspur, 15:00
The Toffees have struggled for vorm of late, but Davie Moyles has done a great job on a budgens. They’re heavily relianted on the lad Marvin Felony, but if they can Nicky
Jello Jelagielk the Croatian lad firing on all cillit bang then they could steamiron opponents. Spurs will be without their man danger Christian Bale, so much will depend on the goal-scoring vorm of Jermain Deffo and braziliance of their rearguard.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – Spurs to savage a late equaller from Deffo, leaving Moyles hairing his tear out after Felony’s opening. You can take out a loan with that lot, lads!
West Ham United v Liverpool, 16:00
Ham Allardyce, anyone? Ha! Ha! Big Ham’s got the Irons literally flying at the moment, last week’ 3-1 win over Chelsea sticking it to the doubtfires with a plumb. If he can help them consolibrate their table top status then he’ll have done goodly, whereas more is expecting of Rodger Brenderson. The Reds’ league form has improofed, but they can’t just rely on the racism lad to be firing on all cillit bang because all players have their days off.
Mystic Megson says: 2-0 to the Hammers – Carl Control and Jarvis Matthews piling the threshers on Brenderson. You can balance a teaspoon on it!
Fulham v Newcastle United, 20:00
The Cottagers’ rearguard is getting bleached too often for my liking, but Davatar Berbasnoff is capapble of codgering up a goal out of absolutely something. Losing Brian Louise just as he was coming into vorm is a blow-out, but I still expect Jolly Martin’s men to assert their Zooropa League prudentials. What can you say about the Magpies that hasn’t already been said? Well, I suppose I’d need a list of things people have said about the Magpies if I’m to answer that one property, but Ibrahim Ba continued his standouting start to the season with a brace against Wigan on Monday so I wouldn’t pull them out just yet.
Mystic Megson says: 3-0 – Berbasnoff double and Fred Hangerbland punishing a Newcastle side still exhausting from their Zooropa League clash in Bordo.
Sunderland v Reading, 19:45
Mystic Megson says:Tuesday?? Pfft. 1-1.
Enjoy the footy, lads!