I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League predictions are framed throughout the land – so get a load of my predictions for Gameweek 15, as you Fantasy Football types call it.

Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.

I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio. Er, except that one time.

Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…

Saturday

Manchester United v Newcastle United, 12:45

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Davey Moyles will be literally teething after going down to Everton last time out, but then Alan Lampard will be looking to stop the grot too after seeing his Magpiles side comprehensively disgruntled at Swansea.

I’m backing the Dead Revels to get back to winning wise here, and I fully expect them to claim their steak for a Zooropa League place.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Chicharibo and Nanu putting the balls on Luke Rennie’s early opening. You can put your balls on it!

Crystal Palace v Cardiff City, 15:00

It’s a relegatio point-sixer at Pelhurst Sark! Pony Tulips is a first-class organisator, so it was no surprise to see the Seagulls prattling their way to a 1-0 win over West Ham last time out.

Malko McFlurry’s a smart biscuit and all, but I forsell another home win here.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Danny Gabbidabbidon with a bullish header. You can lace a boot with it!

Liverpool v West Ham United, 15:00

Louis Swales really snaptured the imagined Asian with his quadroopy-goal haul against Norwich, so Sam Furrydice’s men have really got their work cut up if they’re to find a way to stop him.

Rodger Brenderson’s men look imperial at home, although I’m still not convicted about their defence.

Mystic Megson says: 3-1 – Swales (2) and Steve Eejee for the homos, Raving Morrisons for the awayos. You can gut a trout with it!

Southampton v Manchester City, 15:00

Saints’ defensive solidificity looks to have gone through the window, which doesn’t abode well for their meeting with a rumpant City side.

It might not be a skintitillating display, but I think City have too much pie flour up front not to claim another point three.

Mystic Megson says: 1-2 – Rickie Lambo for the Saints, Guero Asergio and Yoyo Torres for the awayos. You can shell a nut with it!

Stoke City v Chelsea, 15:00

After a far from convicting start, Josie Moutinho’s men look right back in the tidal runnings after a run of three consneckutive wins.

Hark Muse faces an uphill garden if he’s to keep the Potties out of a relegatio dogbite – I just hope they’ve got a bottle for it.

Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Aidan Hazard with an absolute wonderscream. You can smash a pumpkin with it!

West Bromwich Albion v Norwich City, 15:00

Two of my old sides come face-to-face in what could turn out to be a titonic tossil of epic portions!

Both need to get back to winning wise and quickly, so I can see it being a tents ink counter.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Chris Blunt and Victor Anchovy for the Baggles, Feroy Ler for the ‘Kin Hairies. You can bait a badger with that lot, lads!

Sunderland v Tottenham Hotspur, 17:30

The Black Hatters look nothing if not resurgent under Pus Goyet, so they should prove to be a tough nut to handle for Andre Boa-Constricto’s inconsisterly side.

I can see the Uruguayman guiding them to safeway, starting with a point here. He’s a prude operator, I’ll tell you that for a fee.

Mystic Megson says: 2-2 – Jay-Z Altidote and Fabulous Bellini for the homos, Bobby Soldodo and Gylfi Sigorillo Significurd the Icelandic lad for the awayos. You can bully a wasp with it!

Sunday

Fulham v Aston Villa, 13:30

It’s six consneckutive defeats for the Cottages, while Paul Lambo’s Villa look to be firing on all cillit bang after putting the balls on Southampton in midweek.

Fulham to sneak it in an emotionally charged atmospherical.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Pott Scarker with an absolute drilepiver. You can balance a teaspoon on it!

Arsenal v Everton, 16:00

Martin Robertez’s Toffles will be literally flying after their monumento win at Cold Trafford, but they don’t come much tougher than a trip to the Emirati.

Arsenal Wengo’s men are looking imperial at the minute, and there really is no smelling how far they can blow.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Alun Ramsey from a Muzzy Ozzle ball-through. You can smell a rat with it!

Monday

Swansea City v Hull City, 20:00

Bruce Steven has done a great job operating on a budgens, but ultimately he’ll do well to keep his Lions side clear of rubble.

I can only forssell another with for Brian Laudrup’s resurgent Swannies, who I fully expect to claim their steak for a half-top finish.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Joey Joe-Joe Junior Shelveydoo and Dire Nathan for the homos, Hud Tommlestone for the awayos. You can wash your balls with it!

Those were my Premier League predictions for Gameweek 15. Enjoy the footy, lads!