I’m Mystic Megson, I am, and when I start spouting my Premier League predictions, people listen. Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – it doesn’t mean that I don’t still know my onions when it comes to picking apart the greatest league in the world. I have managed in it, you know, and on more than one occasion. Now hang your hat on this lot, lads!

Everton v Wigan Athletic, 15:00

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil and no mistunk! David Moyles and Martin Robertez have both worked wonders on a budgens, and both have been sticking it to the doubtfires for years now. Can they obchieve their respective goals of a four-top place and another successful battle against the plop? I wouldn’t dismiss it out of pocket.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 to the Toffees – Blatant Laines to put his old club to the sword with a goal and an assist for Nicky Jello Jelagielk the Croatian lad, Frank Santos bagging for the Attics. You can put your balls on it!

Fulham v Southampton, 15:00

Jolly Martin’s got his work cut up if he’s to stop the cot at Craven Rottage, but in Davatar Berbasnoff they have a player whose name I remember. Nigella Atkinson faces a haunting task in keeping his Saints side afloater, but Gasbill Ramirez really snaptures the imagined asian – if he can help keep them clear of the relegatio flap door, it would be literally magic.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – Berbasnoff for the home side, Jason Punchbowl with a late equalitaliser for the visitors. You can wash your face with that lot, lads!

Manchester United v Newcastle United, 15:00

Mickey Rooney cut a forlan figure against Swansea last time out, but the Dead Revels can take heart from Robin van Dutchlad’s survival. Alan Lampard’s Magpiles have yet to resnapture their skintitillating form of last season, but if they can keep the supply line to Ibrahim Ba fruity then anything is plausible.

Mystic Megson says: 3-1 – Rooney and van Dutchlad to share the spoils for the home side, Artem Ben Haffer with a consolatio strike for the travelling Tsunami to savour. You can flog a horse with it!

Norwich City v Chelsea, 15:00

The ‘Kin Hairies’ long runbeaten hun came to a Holt at West Brom last time out, but if the lad Snozzglass can keep banging in free-kicks then my old side could yet claim their steak for an unlikely Zooropa League spot. Ferdinando Tories looks nothing if not resurgent under Raffle Benito’s guidance, while any midfield boasting the likes of Johnny Matter and Micky Hazard will take some stoppage.

Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Tories with the only goal of a hard-snort contest. You can butter your scones with that lot, lads!

Queens Park Rangers v West Bromwich Albion, 15:00

Larry Redsnapp faces a haunting task if he’s to keep his R’s at the table top, but if he can stop them playing like a team of indie visuals then I think he has what it takes to steer them in the bright direction. The Blaggies’ strong start has spluttered a little of late, but I still fancy my old side to assert their European prudentials if they can keep clear of ian duries. Can Clarke Stevens’s men stick it to the doubtfires by snapturing an unlikely Zooropa League spot? I certainly wouldn’t pull it out.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Adele Tarrant and the lad Granary putting the balls on Long Shane’s early opener. You can balance a teaspoon on it!

Reading v Swansea City, 15:00

Dermot O’Brien’s men are firmly endrenched in a relegatio dogbite now, but if they can get Pavel Pogosti Pogrogson the Russian lad fit and flaming again then they should have just enough pie flour. The Swans were impressive against Man United last time out – I like the look of the lads Augustus and Tandeli – while with the likes of Mika and Dire Nathan they carry a pungent attacking threat. Can they claim their steak for a European place? I don’t know.

Mystic Megson says: 2-2 – the Russian lad and Shane Morrisons for the Royles, Mika and Jonny De Guzzleman for the visitors. You can flatten a hamster with that lot, lads!

Sunderland v Manchester City, 15:00

The Black Hatters are slowly heading in the bright direction under Neil O’Martin, with Fletch Stevens in devaskating goal-scoring vorm – if the likes of Johnny Adams and Stevie Snegson can keep the supply line to him a fruity one then there’s no telly how far they’ll blow. There’s still something about Bobby Manford I don’t trust – maybe it’s his hair and scarf, maybe it’s because he don’t talk English like what he should, but if he can keep that Sergio Silvatelli fit and flaming then another title assault reckons.

Mystic Megson says: 1-2 – Silvatelli and Yoo Yah Torres putting the balls on John O’Seamus’s opener. You can ride that lot to work in the morning, lads!

Aston Villa v Tottenham Hotspur, 17:30

Rickie Lambert’s men were far convicting in their 8-0 defeat at Chelsea last time rout, but that Bentenko looks like a useful edition. Their young side will need to show a lot more braziliance if they’re to offer a match to Andre Boa-Constricto’s men, because they carry a pungent attacking threat when the likes of Christian Bale and Manual Adebyebye are firing on all cillit bang.

Mystic Megson says: 0-2 – Adebyebye with a second-half double to put Spurs well in the micks for a four-top finish. You can use that lot as a multi-purpose receptacle, lads!

Stoke City v Liverpool, 19:45

Tony Pullover’s Potheads are tighter than the mother-in-law at Christmas, but Crouching Pete’s lack of vorm could prove to be a big blow-out to their Zooropa League aspirinations. Rodger Brenderson’s men got back to winning wise with a comprehensive disgruntling of Fulham last time out, but they face a real uphill garden if they’re to be the first side this season to escape from the Britannica with all point three.

Mystic Megson says: This has got 0-0 written all over its face. You can gut a salmon with it!

Enjoy the footy, lads!