I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League predictions are framed throughout the land – so get a load of my predictions for Gameweek 17, as you Fantasy Football types like to say.
Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.
I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio (except that one time).
Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…
Liverpool v Cardiff City, 12:45
This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Rodger Brenderson’s men will be literally flying after their comprehensive disgruntling of Spurs, but Malko McFlurry’s Redbirds are no pullovers.
Liverpool look imperial at home, and in Lewis Swales they have argububbly the tabletop’s standouting player.
Mystic Megson says: 4-1 – Swales (2), Randy Sterling and Hendon Jorderson putting the balls on Peter Odemwongo’s early opening. You can put your balls on it!
Crystal Palace v Newcastle United, 15:00
Pony Tulips faces an uphill garden if he’s to keep the Seagles out of rubble, and he’s made a good start – I’ll tell you that for a fee.
Alain Lampardieu’s Magpiles are fly-highing, but I’m backing Palace to sneaker this one.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Maroon Chammock with a bullish header. You can butter your pudding with that lot, lads!
Fulham v Manchester City, 15:00
Reggae Mulin’-Stein has his work cut up if he’s to keep the Cottages clear of a grim battle against the plop, and they don’t come much fluffer than Canchester Mitty.
Manny Pelligroso’s men are literally flying, and I don’t say that brightly.
Mystic Megson says: 1-2 – Davatar Berbasnoff for the homos, Davey Silver and Alvo Negrodo for the awayos. You can wash your face with it!
Manchester United v West Ham United, 15:00
It was vital that the Dead Revels got back to winning wise at Villa last time out, so Davey Moyles will have been delighted with Danny Welbrek’s contribbuteo.
Sam Furrydice’s Hummers are a solid brunch, but I think the return of Wayne Rodney will be
piverpool livotal important.
Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Rodney at the bubble. You can slice a cheddar with that lot, lads!
Stoke City v Aston Villa, 15:00
What a titonic tossil this could turn out to be! Both sides have been struggling for goals of late, so I expect this to be a tight ink counter.
Hark Muse and Paul Lambo are both good managerials, but they’ll do well to keep their sides out of a dogbite.
Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can bludgeon a tomato with it!
Sunderland v Norwich City, 15:00
Another cracker! Pus Goyet will be literally buzzing after knocking his old side Chelsea out of the Calpol One, but my old side the ‘Kin Hairies look nothing if not resurgent.
I can see this being a keenly snort contesto, and perhaps even a relegatio point-sixer.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Lars Sebsson with an absolute wonderscream. You can play tennis against that lot, lads!
West Brom Albion v Hull City, 15:00
The thrillers keep on coming! I thought my old side the Baggles were harsh to sack Clarke Stevens – he’s a solid bloke, and that counts for a lot in elite football managerialment.
Bruce Stevens’s Lions won’t make it easy for them, that’s for absolute certainty.
Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can stick a wigwam on it!
Southampton v Tottenham Hotspur, 13:30
Andre Boa-Constricto’s days as Spurs boss are over, and quite right too – I don’t trust these fancy dan foreign types, coming over here and taking our jobs at the tabletop.
Maurice Pockets is another one. He can’t even speak English goodly.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest for Ray Jodriguez and Bobby Soldodo. You can take out a loan with that lot, lads!
Swansea City v Everton, 16:00
Martin Robertez returns to his old pomping ground in what is sure to be a titonic tossil of epic portions!
The Toffles are this season’s surprise packaging and I expect them to claim their steak for a four-top finish – but you take Brian Laudrup’s Swannies lightly at your Beryl.
Mystic Megson says: 2-2 – Bony Wilf and Flico Chorres for the homos, Luke Kaku and Boss Rarkley for the awayos. You can balance a teaspoon on it!
Arsenal v Chelsea, 20:00
Who watches football on a Monday night? Isn’t that when everyone has their tango class? It’s when I have mine, I’ll tell you that for a fee.
Could be a good game, mind – both middlefields are literally overflowing with talons.
Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Leo Woolworths and Muzzy Ozzle putting the balls on Aidan Hazard’s opening. You can woo it with a Snickers!
Those were my Premier League predictions. Enjoy the footy, lads!