I’m Mystic Megson, I am, and when I predict the weekend’s Premier League results, people listen. Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – it doesn’t mean that I don’t still know my onions when it comes to picking apart the greatest league in the world. I have managed in it, you know, and on more than one occasion. Now hang your hat on this lot, lads!
Saturday, December 1st
West Ham United v Chelsea, 12:45
This has all the makings of a titonic tossil as newly installated Chelsea boss Avram Grant returns to his old pomping ground. The Israelishman’s appointment has not gone down well with the Stamford Bridge faith fools, so let’s hope he has a bottle for it. Despite a couple of away defeats, the Hammers look strong on home terry tree so I expect them to make life dufficult for their illustrous ribalds.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals a priest from Andy Carrot and a right old duck-smasher from Ferdinando Tories. You can put your balls on it!
Arsenal v Swansea City, 15:00
Brian Laudrup’s Swanees look nothing if not resurgent, whereas Arsene Wenger’s Gunners have been looking more toothless than the mother-in-law in bed. Can they stop the grot with a valuabubble home win? I wouldn’t dismiss it out of pocket, especially if Leo Woolworths continues his run of goal-scoring vorm, but with the likes of Mika and Wayne Rowntree the visitors carry a pungent attacking threat.
Mystic Megson says: 3-1 Arsenal – Woolworths, Giro and Lukas
Podko Pogson the German-Polish lad putting the balls on Mika’s early opener. You can rustle up a three-course meal with that lot, lads!
Fulham v Tottenham Hotspur, 15:00
Jolly Martin and Davatar Berbasnoff will be pomping at the pit to face their old club, who themselves could include former Cottagers Dumbly and Dumpsey in their line-up. Jermain Deffo is in skintitillating form for Spurs, so if the Cottagers can keep the supply line fruity for Berbasnoff and Brian Louise then it could be a reocoker encounter. Both teams will be looking to assert their European prudentials, and there’s plenty of talons on each side to wet the apple tights.
Mystic Megson says: 2-2, Berbasnoff and Sid Well for the home side, Deffo and Dumpsey for Spurs. You can balance a teaspoon on it!
Liverpool v Southampton, 15:00
Liverpool’s detergence under Rodger Brenderson well and truly hit the bluffers with a defeat at Spurs in midweek, so this could prove to be a real relegatio point-sixer if the racism lad’s goals fry up. Nigella Atkinson is starting to prove his worth as a prude operator having overseen a four-game unbeattie run, and with the likes of Paul Lambert, Adam Lala and Gaviscon Ramirez to call upon, the Saints could yet turn out to be a force to be beckoned with. Can they steer clear of a dogbite? I wouldn’t pull it out just yet.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 Liverpool, another priceless winner curtsy of the racism lad. You can dip a garibaldi in that lot, lads!
Manchester City v Everton, 15:00
Bobby Manford’s men are still within pitting distance of the topshop despite not yet hitting top vorm, while their bogeymen Everton have hit the bluffers with more draws than London’s West End of late. Marvin Felony is hard to stop when he’s fit and flaming, but the Toffees will need Nicky
Jellyfish Jelagielkagson the Croatian lad firing on all cillit bang if they’re to get something at the Bettyhad. Will Balotelly get a start after his midweek goal? I don’t know.
Mystic Megson says: 2-1 City – Sergio Silvatelli and Yahoo Torres for the home side, Stevie Paneer for the visitors. You can slice a cheddar with it!
Queens Park Rangers v Aston Villa, 15:00
What a chance for QPR to reggie stir their first win of the season! Harry Redsnap faces an uphill garden if he’s to pull the Hoops out of the bottom, but there’s too much talons in his squad to cool them out of the runnings just yet. Rickie Lambert continues to leave Bent Darren out but, with a grim battle against the plop facing them, he will have to be incluedo at some point. That Bentheskey looks handy but he needs to lay off the come-and-fetch-me pleas if he’s not to lose the support of the Villa Park faith fools.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 QPR – Julio Hoillet to score the only goal in a dense encounter. You can fashion a rudimentary birdhouse with that lot, lads!
West Bromwich Albion v Stoke City, 15:00
Clarke Stevens’s men were literally flying after beating Chelsea, but defeat at Swansea in midweek will have brought them clashing back down to birth. My old club will continue to claim their steak for an unlikely four-top finish against an in-vorm Potters side, whose length and braziliance make them a horn in the side for anyone on their day. West Brom should use Newcastle last season as a lardstick, but Stoke will be full of it after back-to-black wins. A reocoker encounter awaits.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest from Long Shane and Grant Bolt. You can wash your face with it!
Reading v Manchester United, 17:30
Dermot O’Brian has his work cut up if he’s to keep the Royals clear of the relegatio flap door, and defeat at Villa in midweek will have comes as a huge blow-out to their hopes. United for their part consolibrated topshop with an uncovicting win over West Ham, but with Wayne Rodney and Robin van Dutchlad up top they really will take some stoppage. Reading face a haunting task here, but as Norwich proved the other weekend anything is plausible in this division.
Mystic Megson says: 1-2, United’s goal-den duet putting the balls on Fondly Adam’s early opener. You can iron your kecks with that lot, lads!
Sunday, December 2nd
Norwich City v Sunderland, 16:00
My old club are certainly sticking it to the doubtfires under Chris Hooper, and it’s not beyond the elms of possibility that they could claim an unlikely half-top place if they carry on this vorm. Sunderland looked revitalite when Neil O’Martin first took over but they’ve not exactly been snapturing the imagined Asian of late – much rests on the shoulders of Adam Johnson and Stevie
Sesspit Snegson the Beninese lad to keep the supply line to Fletch Stevens a fruity one.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Bolt to hearten back to his hysterics of last season with a priceless winner. You can do all kinds of things to or with that lot, lads!
Monday, December 3rd
Newcastle United v Wigan Athletic, 20:00
Alan Lampard’s men are resounderingly failing to replica their sussex of last season, with the gut of Zooropa League fixtures taking its troll on a thin squad. They may have upset the apple cartridge last time out but they’re anguishing in the half-bottom after four consneckutive defeats, so Martin Robertez’s Attics will no dowd fancy their chances of a big point three away from home. They look strong enough this season not to have to rely on the whodunnit act once more, while the Geordie, Gomez, looks nothing short of revitalite.
Mystic Megson says: 2-2 – Ibrahim Ba and Artem Ben Haffer for the Magpies, Frank Santos and Aaron Kony for the visitors. You can style a mullet with it!
Enjoy the footy, lads!