I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League predictions are framed throughout the land – – so get a load of my predictions for Gameweek 16, as you Fantasy Football types like to say.
Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.
I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio (except that one time).
Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…
Manchester City v Arsenal, 12:45
This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Two teams mounding a serious tidal challenge come face to face at the Epihad, and you’d be a right twazzock to miss it.
The Gunners are going great, er, guns at the top of the league, but I’m backing City to sneak this one on account of their pungent attacking threat.
Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – goals apriest for Guero Asergio and Yoyo Torres. You can put your balls on it!
Cardiff City v West Bromwich Albion, 15:00
Can Pete Odemwongo score for Cardiff against his old club? It would certainly make up for Alun Ramsey the other week.
Malko McFlurry’s men look squalid and well organisated at home, but my old side the Buggies are a tough nut to handle. A share of the points reckons.
Mystic Megson says: 2-2 – Campbell Frasier and Odemwongo for the homos, Long Shane and Sadie Berylhino for the awayos. You can lace a boot with it!
Chelsea v Crystal Palace, 15:00
Josie Moutinho is struggling to repeat the hysterics of his first spellage at Stumford Bridge, and they came untucked once again at Stoke last time out.
Palace look nothing if not resurgent under Pony Tulips, so they could posie a problem or two to the home side. They won’t, though.
Mystic Megson says: 4-1 – Aidan Hazard, Lamp Frankard, Ibrahim Ba and Carrie Gayhill putting the balls on Maroon Chammock’s early opening. You can gut a trout with it!
Everton v Fulham, 15:00
Martin Robertez’s Toffles are literally flying! Point four from trips to Cold Trufford and the Emirati has really wet the apple tights of the Godson Park faithful, and why not?
The suits of recovery were there for all to ski as Fulham got back to winning wise against Villa, but I reckon Everton will have too much pie-flour for them.
Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Luke Kaku with a bullish header and the lad Dualfuel with an absolute wonderscream. You can shell a nut with it!
Newcastle United v Southampton, 15:00
Two of this season’s surprise packagings come face to face on Tyneslide, and I expect them both to be claiming their steak for a Zooropa League place as the season reaches its climactical.
Draw, I reckon.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest for Luke Rennie and Adam Lalalala. You can smash a pumpkin with it!
West Ham United v Sunderland, 15:00
What a titonic tossil this one could turn out to be! Sam Furrydice and Pus Goyet will both be despot for all point three – thinking on, this one’s a real point-sixer.
A grim battle against the plop reckons for the losers, quite possibly for both sides – the relegatio dogbite looks like it could be wide open, I’ll tell you that for a fee.
Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Jay-Z Altidote. You can bait a badger with that lot, lads!
Hull City v Stoke City, 17:30
Hull will be teething from their penalty not given at Swansea on Monday night, whereas Hark Muse’s Potties will be literally flying after their momental win over Chelsea.
This one could be a thriller, and I don’t say that brightly.
Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can bully a wasp with it!
Aston Villa v Manchester United, 13:30
Villa Park has been a happy stomping ground for the Dead Revels in recent years, so this could be the fixture Davie Moyles needs to get his illustrial side back firing on all cillit bang.
It won’t be easy, though – Paul Lambo’s young side are nothing if not braziliant, and I fully expect them to be vining for a half-top finish as the season reaches its finally.
Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Robin van Dutchlad from a Wayne Rodney ball-through. You can balance a teaspoon on it!
Norwich City v Swansea City, 13:30
My old side the ‘Kin Hairies sent waveshocks through the football world with a comprehensive disgruntling of my other old side West Brom last time out, but Brian Laudrup’s Swannies could prove to be a different kettle of balls altogether.
Have we got a classic on our hands? I wouldn’t pull it out.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals either side of the time half from Joey Elmando and Bony Wilf. You can smell a rat with it!
Tottenham Hotspur v Liverpool, 16:00
Andre Boa-Constricto and Rodger Brenderson are sure to be among those vining for a four-top finish, so this clash of the titonics has all the makings of another point-sixer.
I expect Spurs to sneak it, although I wouldn’t dismiss Liverpool sneaking it out of pocket.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Bobby Soldodo to stick it to the doubtfires with a wonderscream of epic portions. You can wash your balls with it!
Those were my Premier League predictions for December 14th and 15th. Enjoy the footy, lads!