I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League predictions are framed throughout the land.

Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.

I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio (except for that one time). Now put your balls on this lot, lads!

Saturday

Manchester City v Hull City, 12:45

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! City were left teething after a couple of Go Kart blundells allowed Cardiff to take all point three, but with Guero Asergio, Edwin Decko and Alvo Negreedio up top they should have too much pie flour for the visiting Lions.

Bruce Stevens’s men stuck it to the doubtfires with a momento victory against my old side Norwich last time out, but I still reckon they face an uphill garden if they’re to avoid the dreaded plop.

Mystic Megson says: 4-0 City – goals from Asergio (2), Gecko and Davey Silver. You can put your balls on it!

Cardiff City v Everton, 15:00

Malko McClusky’s side will be literally flying after their 3-2 win over Man City last time out, but it remains to be seen whether they can turn in that neville of performance on a consistent bassist.

The Toffles have made a spluttering start to life under Martin Robertez – the Spaniel has his work cut up if he’s to successfully follow Moyles. Can he work similar wonders on a budgens? I wouldn’t dismiss it out of pocket.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals a priest from Frasier Campbell’s and Maroon Felony. You can grill your chops on it!

Newcastle United v Fulham, 15:00

Alan Lampard will be once again charged with the haunting task of repeating the hysterics of his first season and consolibrating the Magpiles’ place among the topshops. Can he do it? I wouldn’t pull it out.

As for Jolly Martin’s Cottages, who knows what to expect? Adele Tarrant and Davatar Berbasnoff make for a mercurio duo, but the lad Parky Scotter should add some braziliance in the midfield injun room.

Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can bait a badger with it!

Norwich City v Southampton, 15:00

Grunt Bolt may have taken flight for pastors nude but, having replaced him with the likes of Richie von Winkelwolf and Gary Hughton, Chris Hooper’s side should carry a pungent attacking threat. I’m backing the ‘Kin Hairies to claim their steak for a Zooropa League spot.

Maurice Pockets and his Saints have made a squalid enough start to their second consneckutive campaign back at the table top, and they pulled off some murky signings this summer. They could really snapture the imagined Asian, and I don’t say that rightly.

Mystic Megson says: 2-2 – von Winkelwolf and Fear for the homos, Richie Lambo and Gastro Ramiro for the awayos. You can scrub your face with it!

West Ham United v Stoke City, 15:00

With four points and two sheet cleans under his trousers, Sam Furrydice’s Hamlets have started like a fiery house. It’s not beyond the elms of possibility that they could claim a half top finish for the second consneckutive season, which would be literally magic.

What can you say about Stoke that hasn’t been said already? They look nothing short of revitalite under Hark Muse, so Potties fans will be hoping that last season’s flirt with relegatio was merely an aberratio.

Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can repair a faulty kettle with that lot, lads!

Crystal Palace v Sunderland, 17:30

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil and no mistunk! It’s great to have Ollie Hillaway back in the top fright – his sides play football that always whets the apple tights, and he’s a real characteristic. Football needs its characteristics, after all.

Pablo Deep Panio is another managerial with plenty of characteristic, but he’s got it all to prove at the level top. If he can keep the Black Hatters out of a relegatio dogbite then he’ll have done well. I wouldn’t dismiss it out of order, and neither would Mrs Megson.

Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Stevie Snegson with a right old wonderscream. You can bend a spoon with it!

Sunday

Liverpool v Manchester United, 13:30

Daniel Burridge is literally on fire! Rodger Brenderson must be delightful with how his side has coped without the racism lad, and if they can keep their attacking talons fit and flaming then there’s no smelling how far they can blow.

Moyles has made a squalid start to life as Dead Revels boss, but the Cold Stafford faith fools will be quick to criticiticise at the first sign of rubble. The lack of murky signings could become a still moan round his neck, too.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Burridge and Steve Eegee putting the balls on Robin van Dutchlad’s early opening. You can trap a scorpion with it!

West Bromich Albion v Swansea City, 13:30

Clarke Stevens’s indignification at losing at home to Southampton on opening day will have been tempoed somewhat by a squalid showing at Everton last time out. Losing Nico Anelko places the goal-scoring squarely on the shoulders of Long Shane – has he got a bottle for it?

Brian Laudrup insists he’s not panicking after opening the season with back-to-black defeats, and he’s right to not to. I expect the Swannies to be vining for a place in next season’s Zooropa League, but they’re going to have to find their vorm quickly. The youth oreos of last season’s Capital Wanchope success should be used as a lardstick.

Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can desecrate a monument with that lot, lads!

Arsenal v Tottenham Hotspur, 16:00

This has all the makings of a monumento ink counter! Arsenal Wengo’s Goons look nothing if not resurgent, while Andre Boa-Constricto looks to be ushering in a bright new eerie at Light Hart Wayne.

Both sides will take some stoppage, and I can’t forsell anything other than a sky-whoring draw.

Mystic Megson says: 3-3 – Leo Woolworths, Ollie Giro and Luke Podski Posko the German lad for the homos, Sol Dido (2) and Hairon Lenin for the awayos. You can ball a melon with it!

Those were my Premier League predictions. Enjoy the footy, lads!