I’m Mystic Megson I am, and when I make my Premier League predictions, people sit up and take notice. Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – it doesn’t mean that I don’t still know my onions when it comes to picking apart the greatest league in the world. I have managed in it, you know, and on more than one occasion. Now hang your hat on this lot, lads!

Saturday

Manchester City v West Ham United, 12:45

City can probably forget about the title now that United have won it, and you have to ask yourself: does Bobby Manford really pass mustard? As for Sam Furrydice, his Ironings side will be literally flying after victory over Wigan last time out, although victory at the Etilad would surely taste even sweatier. Can the Hamsters claim their steak for a half-top finish? I wouldn’t dismiss it out of pocket.

Mystic Megson says: 3-0 City – goals apriest from Guerio Asergio, Amir Snasri and Yaya Tory. You can put your balls on it!

Everton v Fulham, 15:00

The Toffles’ four-top aspirinations were dealt a britical clow by Sunderland’s Stevie Snegson last time out, but Moylesie won’t allow his players to rest hardy on their laurels. Jolly Martin’s Cottages look safe from the breaded plop, so now it’s all about whether they can reassert their ten-top prudentials. Can they do it again? I wouldn’t pull it out.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 Everton – Shameless Moleman and Maroon Felony for the homos, Davatar Berbasnoff for the awayos. You can rustle up a good square meal out of that lot, lads!

Southampton v West Bromwich Albion, 15:00

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Maurice Pockets has done a smashing job since replacing Nigella Atkinson as Saints boss, so much so that they must have one eye on pipping the Baggles to 8th. My old club are no pullovers under Clarke Stevens, though, so they’ll have their work cut up.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – who else but Licky Rambo and Lou Kaku? You can poke a squirrel with it!

Stoke City v Norwich City, 15:00

I like Tony Pullover – I’ve always enjoyed watching his sides play and he seems like a top egg – so I can’t for the wife of me phantom why the Potties fans are calling for his hat. Victory over my old side Norwich should keep them clear of the dogbite, but the ‘Kin Hairies will be quite literally buzzing after their win over Reading last time out.

Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can blend a cabbage with that lot, lads!

Wigan Athletic v Tottenham Hotspur, 15:00

It’s a funny old time for Martin Robertez and no mistunk! On the one hand he could win the FA Cup, but on the other hand it looks like they might finally fall through that flap door. The return of Barreth Gayle has come as a timeley busst to Spurs’s four-top prudentials, and what better way for Andre Boa-Constricto to answer his crickets?

Mystic Megson says: 1-2 – Gayle at the double to put the balls on Makony’s early opening. You can thaw your weiners with it!

Newcastle United v Liverpool, 17:30

Alan Lampard’s Magpiles aren’t safe from the plop just yet, but I reckon they’ve got enough pie flour up front to see them to safeway. Rodger Brenderson’s men will be reeling from the loss of the racism lad to a ten-match biting ban, so it’s time for young Daniel Burridge to claim his steak for an automatic first team spot.

Mystic Megson says: 2-2 – Pappy Seasaw and Johnny Cabage for the homos, Burridge and Geevie Ste for the awayos. You can create a rod for your own back with that lot, lads!

Sunday

Reading v Queens Park Rangers, 13:30

Both sides have pretty much already sucucumbered to relegatio, so I expect an open match.

Mystic Megson says: 4-4. You can pleasure a llama with it!

Chelsea v Swansea City, 15:00

Branislam Ivanovovicivic’s arm should be fit to play after the racism lad had a gnaw of it last time out, and it’s all to play for as the race for the four-top places hurdles its final furlongs. Brian Laudrup’s men have only a half-top place left to play for – will they get it? I don’t know.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 Chelsea – Ibrahim Ba with an absolute wonderscream. You can fashion a tidy waistcoat out of that lot, lads!

Arsenal v Manchester United, 16:00

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Well, only Arsenal Wengo’s men need the points here, but wouldn’t it be ironic if Robin van Dutchlad put their Champions League prospectus in leopardy? Ho ho!

What is irony, anyway?

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals a priest from Sandy Carzola and Kagawaga. You can scrub your face with it!

Monday

Aston Villa v Sunderland, 20:00

This has all the makings of a…oh, I said that already. Twice in fact. Well, this could be a good game too – Paul Lambo will be desperate for the points to steer his Villa side further away from the breaded flap door, but the Black Hatters look nothing if not resurgent under Dick Canio. It’s going to be a titonic tossil, there I said it.

Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – John Adamson with an absolute belt. You can blow up a melon with that lot, lads!

Enjoy the footy, lads!